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Ask Rene: My Husband Won’t Kiss Me During Sex!


Hey Rene, ever had a question like this? Having sex with my man is very good. We connect on almost every level, but I have one major problem. He won’t kiss me during sex. I have asked him why and he tells me that he just isn’t “that kind of guy,” but one of the things that intrigued me the most about him when we met was this great passionate kiss we had that lasted for hours. What can I do to get him to understand I really need the kissing, too?

Sign me,

Needing more

Dear Needing More:

Oh man, if there was ever a question that had Good Enough Guy written all over it, it would be this one. I might be able to help you explain to him why it’s important to you but I’m going to leave the WHY it’s happening to Will and the rest of the Good Enough Mother man-panel.

I’ve only been married once but I have learned a thing or two in that nearly two decades and one of them very recently. Sometimes it takes a minute to get Buff’s attention. He’s so busy and now working hard to get his own business off the ground, I almost have to prance naked in front of the big screen with sparklers in both hands to do that. It doesn’t mean that he’s not interested; what it means is that he is not in the “zone”. Okay so here’s what I would do if I were you.

TALK, TALK, TALK: I know I’ve said this before but I do it because it’s so important. You need to chat with him about what you want, no NEED during those intimate times. If he wasn’t “doin’ it right” you’d tell him. He loves you, wants to please and make you feel good so tell him what that’s gonna take.

LESS PERFUNCTORY SEX: Look, sometimes you want a steak dinner but only have time for Burger King. In other words, the long, drawn-out love-making that you used to relish on Friday night or Saturday morning, or both, has given way to the more, how shall I say, “functional” sex. Nothing wrong with it but it shouldn’t all be like ordering a la carte from the menu at The Brooklyn Diner. Time to switch it up a bit.

GET OUT OF THE ROUTINE: Yep. Pack a bag. Get a sitter. Head to the casino at the border. Have a great meal, throw away some money, toss back a few drinks along with your hair, flirt with your husband then go upstairs and have sex like a couple of teenagers. Get it? Change the environment, relax and have fun. Get away from the kids and out of mommy-mode; you might surprise yourself and him, with what you get.

So that’s it from MY perspective. Of course, I will defer to Good Enough Guy and the rest of the GEM man panel for the male point of view. In the meantime, good luck, mommy!

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  1. Andy

    January 13, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Don’t know if this is your guy’s issue, but I know sometimes it’s difficult to kiss during sex because a) it can change the angle of your bodies, b) if you’re working hard, you’re often breathing out your mouth!

  2. Will Jones

    January 13, 2012 at 8:18 am

    There are sooooo many possibilities here, and the question doesn’t give much to go on. Did he used to kiss during sex and now he doesn’t? Do you kiss regularly but just not during sex? How long have you been together? What positions are you in when you’re trying to kiss?

    Here are a few things that it MIGHT be:

    -He’s not a multi-tasker. When he’s making out, he’s making out. When he’s having sex, he’s having sex, etc.

    -Kissing isn’t really his thing. He may be good at it, but just not care for it. Everyone isn’t in to it.

    -Kissing is TOO MUCH of his thing. If he’s trying to pace himself, kissing may make him sprint to an early finish.

    -Positioning. If his face is over your face, he may worry about sweating, grunting, drooling, or any of a plethora of un-sexy things that he doesn’t want you to witness from that close up.

    -Other oral things. Depending on where his mouth may have been or your mouth may have been, the “second round” kissing may make him uncomfortable.

    -The kissing itself. Ok, he’s great at it, at the risk of offending… maybe YOU aren’t. Maybe you kiss too hard, maybe your kisses are too wet, too dry, too passionate, too etc, etc.

    All of these can be improved with communication, practice, and flavored body gels (yes, seriously). Men like food! Anything that tastes good will make a man want another taste.

    Try this: start with you on top and him in a sitting position, propped up against the head board, or in a chair or on a weight bench, or a tree in a private back yard… where ever. Make kissing first act, as in neither mouth has been anywhere else. Try just a touch of the flavored body gel on your lower lip; too much can be overwhelming. And keep the kisses short and sweet, literally. You’ll want more, but be patient; let them build until he wants more too.

    Men love to please, so if he sees that kissing gets a strong reaction from you, I’m betting he’ll come around.

  3. Cody Williams

    January 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I wish I could post this response anonymously.

    But some of us are like that. Especially if they are not used to long passionate kissing. They tend to want to jump straight to the good stuff. All guys just are not into oral foreplay.

    But, if you catch him at the right moment, just before his climax, and lock your tongue around his and his lips with yours, both of you will get, as Sade sings, The Kiss That’s Life.

    Work that into your regular love making and soon he may lose his puckering inhibitions.

    I know did.

  4. Juli

    January 13, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    * applause meter is off the chart. I think everyone answered this question great and I learned a few things.
    Rene, I loved the “perfunctory” point. Thanks GEM and Gentlemen.

  5. Catelynn

    November 23, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    I know this is an old post but, I hope I can get some answers. I married the love of my life less than a year ago. In the beginning of our marriage we were inseparable, lip locked all the time. Now.. I don’t know what to think.. We don’t kiss passionately anymore.. or even just a peck. After some time of no physical contact at all, I became desperate to know why. I checked his phone and found so much porn. Now I’m lucky to even have him join me in bed to sleep. He’s became so distant from me. I just want to know what to do! I’ve talked to him about it but he just changes the subject.
    A desperate wife

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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