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Ask The Good Enough Guy: We Don’t Have Sex Anymore!

Hi Will:

Hope you can help me. My husband, David and I have been married for almost 20 years. Our marriage is like most, some good days, some not so good but on the whole I’d say it’s pretty sound and I honestly can’t imagine living without him.

So what’s the problem? We don’t have sex anymore. At first it was because our bedroom door didn’t have a lock on it and the kids were always roaming about the house. Now it’s just that I’m not interested in him anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still want to have sex, just not with him.

 Will, what should I do? What should WE do together to reignite a spark that’s been long gone?

I appreciate any advice you can offer.

 Sign me: Not interested

Hey Not Interested:

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Because this is a very grown-up question, it requires a very grown up answer. If you are easily offended, you should probably stop reading at this point and move to a more “PG” area of goodenoughmother.com. Now, if you have the courage to continue, read on…

Oh, no! Holy silent bed springs, Batman! The spark is gone! There was a time when just a wink from him would have sent your panties flying across the room, but now you’d rather do your nails than your husband. What happened? Where did the fire go? Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What now?

First off, don’t panic. It’s a lot more common and a lot easier to fix than you think. I think you’ve fallen into the pattern of what I call, “Microwave Sex”. Hang with me for a second. Do you know what’s great about compact cars? They get great gas mileage. They don’t take up much room. They’re easy to parallel park; efficiency at its finest. But do you know what sucks about them? They’re boring as hell to drive. There are no frills and thrills; there’s no excitement. Yeah, they’ll get you from point A to point B, but it’s no fun getting there, and pretty soon, you just don’t want to drive anymore. It’s not long before you’re wondering what it would feel like to take your neighbor’s Mustang around the block a few times. See, when you and David changed from playing a full eighteen holes to sneaking in a round of putt-putt between knocks at the door, you fell into the “microwave sex” routine: get things as hot as you can, as fast as you can, and hope everything’s done before the bell goes off. And how long can you eat microwave food before you’d just rather not eat at all? So what can you do?

BACK TO BASICS: Dressing like bad cops and naughty nurses won’t help if you’re doing the same old two-step once the uniforms come off. The biggest problems in the bedroom are lack of communication and fear of exploration. Are you sure David knows the details of what really smokes your shorts? Are you sure YOU know? If you don’t know, find out. If he doesn’t know, you can’t be too shy to tell him. Being timid will cost you a lot of really good orgasms. So COMMUNICATE!

FOREPLAY: This is the one of the most important parts of sex but is usually the first thing to go when things get “efficient”. It shouldn’t be starting once the bedroom door is locked (you did finally put a lock on your bedroom door, right?). Foreplay is that X-rated message you leave on his cell phone or that unexpected touch he gives you in that place you love to have touched when no one’s looking and it should be going on for HOURS before the main event starts. So actually TELL him. “Do you remember what used to happen when you’d nibble on the back of my neck?” I’ll stop here but use your imagination.

HEAD TO THE TOY STORE: Vibrators: if they ever invent one that can take out the trash, men would cease to exist. If you haven’t already, it’s time to discover electricity and teach David how to drive. Some guys may be a bit reluctant to use toys at first, but once he sees your head spinning like Linda Blair, he’ll come around. And since this pretty much guarantees you’ll have an orgasm, David can be a little freer in his explorations without the worry of leaving you frustrated. Now if you’ve never used one, take it for a spin a couple of times solo, but remember the goal is to get David back to the plate, not bring in a pinch hitter.  Caution: if you buy one that takes 10 D-cell batteries and can jump-start a car, David will be intimidated and will probably just leave you two alone.

THE ORAL EXAM: If David’s not cutting the mustard, he better learn to lick the jar. But this game is ALL about communication because every woman has a different combination that opens her lock. Teach David nine or ten of the BEST things he can do with his mouth, tongue, lips, fingers, and new electric toys, and then let him practice, practice, practice!

THE MAIN EVENT: Okay, you two obviously have the “how” part down, because you have kids running around. But the “when, where, for how long, and in what positions” parts are your big variables here, and they make ALL of the difference. Remember that board game “Clue” where you had to figure out who done it? Think of it like that. It was Mr. Plum in the kitchen, with a lead pipe. It was the dirty cop, on the dining room table, with a pair of handcuffs. Hell, I just read where a couple did it while SKYDIVING, so if you’re still counting ceiling tiles and wondering who’s going to win Dancing With the Stars, you aren’t trying very hard. Tell David what you’re five favorite positions are and why. Tell him that you want more screwdriver and less hammer or vice versa. Put David in the car, drive him to a spot you found, park, and tell him you have nothing on under your dress and watch what happens.

OK, so this should cover the VERY basic of the basics. I’m leaving out a million things, but you get the idea. Exploration keeps it interesting, communication is the key, and variety is the spice of life. Once you aren’t sure what little thing David will do next (or when or where) you’ll start to wonder what he’s thinking and why he’s smiling. And once his smile is making you think about sex, my job is done. Have fun!

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.

 

31 Comments

  1. Diana

    October 15, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I think the response to this said it all.. and has helped me out.. i haven’t been married 20 years, but with kids running around, it seems to remove the excitement of anything sexual… the microwave metaphor basically hits the nail on the head.

  2. Ella

    October 15, 2011 at 11:59 am

    One of my “friends” (it’s always the friend, right?) made a sexy video for her hubby once with her vibrator. I thought that was such a great idea! She was away on business. I think it gave her the freedom to really do what she wanted and gave him a chance to see her in action on her own. Maybe “not interested” should do things like that to show her hubby and herself she’s still sexy and maybe to get her motor preheated so when sex does happen she’s ready.

  3. m.e. johnson

    October 15, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Well, you did the best you could Will, without writing a book (which I bet you could). Which leads me to ask why she doesn’t read a book about it. There must be hundreds out there.

    Why oh why are so many parents reluctant to put a lock or latch on their bedrom door? And children CAN be taught to respect your private time behind said door.

  4. Dee

    October 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Wow! This hit really close to home, but I do believe the bell has already went off in my marriage. I honestly feel like I’m not interested and will never be again. He begs and ask what can he do but I see nothing for us. So what can I now do?

  5. Will Jones

    October 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Diana- It’s an easy trap to fall into and just about everyone does at one time or another(I know I have). Knowing what to watch for and what to do when you see it will keep it from going too far.

    Ella- That’s a great idea! Lot’s of folks have a bit of voyeurist/exhibitionist in them and that’s a pretty safe way to enjoy both… and long as the video stays under lock and key!

    M.E.- She probably didn’t read a book because she may not have even known this was the problem. Some people think as long as they’re having sex, then they are fine, but sex is just like eating and sleeping: if your not getting enough, and not getting the right kind, sooner or later they’ll be a problem.
    …And if I tried to write a book, the wife would KILL me! I Barely got away with writing this answer!
    🙂

  6. Nana`

    October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Two things not mentioned here: 1) consider a date night sans kids, sans bills (except the tab for the night) and then flirt shamelessly and 2) go to the doctor to make sure the subdued libido isn’t chemically or hormonally induced. Sometimes it’s not about the sex act, it’s the lack of desire to act sexy.

  7. Cody Williams

    October 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Will, you know I’m your boi, right? But could you have tossed in anymore trite metaphors?

    Microwaves, Mustangs and parallel parking? Really?

    You should have just been honest and told her if she’s not willing to make love to her husband it’s guaranteed that there is someone else out there who is more than ready, willing and able.

    And they will find him and she’ll have no one to blame but herself. A man has to do what a man has to do.

    It ain’t about how she feels. It’s about how much she values her marriage and their family.

    Secondly, if need be fantasize to get over the hump.

    In the words of Steppenwolf, “fantasy will set you free.”

    She sounds awfully immature and silly.

    It may be time for her to learn one of life’s uglier lessons.

    One monkey don’t stop no show.

  8. Cody Williams

    October 15, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    “Don’t get me wrong I still want to have sex, just not with him.”

    It seems all of the replies missed this very important tidbit.

  9. Rene Syler

    October 15, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    @Cody: Okay , easy chief.. I loved what Will said.. thought it was more clever than trite. Re: all the replies missing the important tidbit, certain things sick out to people more than others. I think there was something of an “Important triage” going in here, in that there was enough important stuff to go around.

  10. Ms. Miss Sex

    October 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Good information Cody…i am in a sexless relationship only because my husband had prostate issues. I have not had sex in four years!!. I am young, sexy and ready. He has no interest in anything. I have toys and more toys and he won’t even try them, oral nope. So I play with myself. I have not sought the company of another man. I would like to feel wanted again. Right now…..I can only remember.

  11. Cody Williams

    October 15, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Hey, sorry about that. Just channeling one of my old writing mentors. She was hard on me like that.

  12. Will Jones

    October 15, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    Cody,

    I use metaphors, trite and otherwise, because they get my point across without making me sound like an obnoxious blowhard. If I start talking in terms of declining libido, fluctuating levels of testosterone, or female sexual dysfunction, most readers would be asleep by the second paragraph.

    And I wasn’t trying to offer examples of my literary prowess to impress you or your former mentor; I was trying to offer this wife some help to save her marriage.

    Pretty words are useless if the advice they carry is ridiculous.

    “…A man has to do what a man has to do…”- So you’re saying it’s OK if he cheats?

    “…And they will find him and she’ll have no one to blame but herself…”- So you’re saying it’s her fault if he cheats?

    “…It ain’t about how she feels…”- So you’re saying her feelings and her happiness don’t matter, she should just suck it up and deal with it to keep her husband happy?

    “…She sounds immature and silly…”- So you’re saying that asking for help to save a 20 year marriage is the “immature” thing to do.

    “…fantasize to get over the hump…”- So you’re saying you think a husband would rather his wife think of another man while she’s making love to him… instead of his wife telling him how to keep her sexually satisfied?

    Really?

  13. Will Jones

    October 15, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Ms. Miss Sex,

    Sadly, you’re in completely different situation than the wife above. You’d still love to perform for your husband, but his physical problems are probably making him feel like less than a man, so he’s may have shut down towards sex completely. The situation isn’t fair to him or you, but it’s happened and you have some really tough decisions to make. With some therapy, he may come around… or he may not. It may come down to you choosing either the sex or your husband… and choosing one may mean losing the other. Again, it’s not fair, but it’s real. I’m sorry.

  14. Will Jones

    October 15, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    Nana,

    I didn’t mention the subdued libido because she said that she still wanted to have sex, just not with her husband… but the date night idea is another GREAT one! Sometimes we forget how good a date felt way back when didn’t have to worry about mortgages, report cards, or PTA meetings. There was a span of about seven years when my wife and I didn’t go to a single movie that wasn’t made by Disney or Pixar. This one was actually on the list of the million things I couldn’t fit into my answer. Thanks for bringing it up!

  15. m.e. johnson

    October 16, 2011 at 12:35 am

    Thanx for responding to Cody, Will. He was probably wanting one from me, which would have been smokin’. He’s a troll.

  16. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 1:09 am

    M.E.- LOL. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to get a rise out of someone; no one’s can get it that wrong unless it’s on purpose.

  17. Cody Williams

    October 16, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Will, Will, Will;

    No I did not want this to be another tit for tat between the two of us. We all have different writing styles. But I’m not a woman in a dysfunctional sexless marriage either. So this ain’t about me.

    The dilemma this woman presented is not that she’s sexually impotent, which you addressed, it was that she was not interested in having sex with the man she’s married to.

    How can we overlook that?

    Any marriage counselor would tell a couple that if one of them refuses to have sex with the other that it opens the door for infidelity. That’s not me talking. That’s just common sense.

    And I never said fantasize about another man. You’re reading words I did not write. If she was once turned on by this guy enough to make babies with him, then just maybe her fantasy can take her back to where they once were, before the kids, before the big bellies and stretch marks and house full of kids. To the place they met or first made love. To younger better each others.

    I didn’t say asking for help to save a marriage is immature. Again, man, reading for comprehension is a gift. I said that last sentence, “…just not with him,” is immature.

    She’s the one that sounds like a troll. In my humble opinion.

    Personally I found all those metaphors nauseating. Maybe I should have just stopped reading and moved on. Next time I will.

  18. Cody Williams

    October 16, 2011 at 9:52 am

    I really should think more before I hit the Post Comment button. Feel free to delete my contributions to this discussion.

  19. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Cody,

    You absolutely right, Cody. This was not about you. It was a conversation between a person who wanted help and the person whom they thought might be able to offer some.

    She asked for my opinion on how to add the spark back into her bedroom. Her question was not about infidelity. It was not about whether or not she should get a divorce. And it was not about whether or not she should just continue to have sex with a husband that she was no longer attracted to. She did not ask for my opinion of her (or yours, for that matter); she asked for my opinion on how she could fix her problem. And in MY opinion, the sex itself could very well be that problem.

    And where in your comprehensive reading of her question did it say that she had refused to have sex with him?

    Another thing: in the post where you called her immature, you made absolutely no reference to her last sentence of “just not with him.” You may want to go back and read you own post more comprehensively. But I can completely understand how you’d get your own posts confused since you manage to speak so often and yet say so little.

    Of course, you’re calling her a troll will help. I’ve noticed in a lot of your posts that you seem to harbor a lot of resentment towards women: name calling, finger pointing, judgmental accusations. Why?

    That’s something you may want to talk to someone about… maybe a counselor. I’d offer to talk to you about it, but I wouldn’t want to nauseate you any further. At the risk of losing all of your positive and oh-so-helpful input, please feel free to stop reading and move on at anytime.

  20. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    …And I’m don’t know if I’d go as far as to call them “contributions”, but I’d very much like to see all of Cody’s comments left here just as they are.

    Otherwise, I’ll look like I’m having a heated discussion all by myself… and where’s the fun in that?
    😉

  21. Cody Williams

    October 16, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Dude, Dude, Dude;

    You consistently take the low blow when given the chance. Clearly we don’t appreciate each other’s point of view.

    No, I don’t kiss up to all women. I ain’t got nothing to prove. Maybe you do. Hey, prove your manhood any which way you can. Do your thang, boi. Get your bills paid.

    This woman is no longer sexually attracted to the man she married. The reality is, he probably ain’t sexually attracted to her either. I’m sure you’ve been there.

  22. Cody Williams

    October 16, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/d-a-wolf/do-we-owe-our-spouses-sex_b_927484.html

    This woman says everything I tried to, just with more sensitivity.

    “…sex as a fundamental element of loving, and being loved. When in a committed relationship, . . . I believe it’s a matter of being caring — and smart — if we want to keep our relationships intact.”

  23. Rene Syler

    October 16, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    @Cody and @Will: You both make valid points. Very valid. Look, I take great pride in my blog but come on, War and Peace it ain’t. With regard to the quote above: this author said ” I believe it’s a matter of being caring-and smart-… ” She BELIEVES.. In other words she is speaking from her own opinion and point of view, as do we all. A woman wrote in, and in what I can only imagine took a great deal of courage, admitted she was having trouble being sexually attracted to her husband. I actually thought what Will said was on point; we get busy and sometimes we don’t give each other the time and effort that it takes. Who among us, in our busy lives, hasn’t let that happen from time to time? Now.. deep breath and everyone holster your weapons.

  24. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Cody,

    You use word like” trite” and” nauseatin ” to describe my writing, and then accuse me of taking low blows. Did you really expect me not to fire back? You’ve read my stuff long enough to know me better than that.

    I try to stay positive, and when asked for help, I try to be helpful. I’ve been asked some questions that made me want to call people names and tell them stop being ridiculous, but if a person is asking for help, judging them is the last thing they need from me.

    I felt like some of the comments you made had nothing to with the question at hand and that you were attacking me personally, and i’m a jarhead: I don’t take kindly to attacks. If you weren’t then I misspoke.

  25. Elizabeth Betrand

    October 16, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    I respect everyone’s point of view here. However, you’re on point, Will!

    “Now it’s just that I’m not interested in him anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still want to have sex, just not with him. “ – There’s nothing immature about that. She was clear, direct and in tuned to how she currently feels. I think this is a common problem in marriages. There are times when your partner may want sex more than you do or not at all.

    I want to first commend this woman in acknowledging the problem and reaching out for help.

    Normally, in cases like this, the problem is deeper than the lack of sex or just not having the desire to make love to your significant offer. In a lot of cases, emotional needs are not being fulfilled. As Will mentioned, communication is key. If you don’t express what’s on your mind to your partner, he or she will not understand your frustration.

    Based on what you shared, ‘Not Interested Anymore,’ we really don’t know where the problem areas lie to pinpoint the root cause of your issue. Naturally, people’s feelings should be taken into consideration to sustain a healthy and intimate relationship. Now, what exactly does intimacy mean? I think intimacy begins with communication: trusting to share each other’s needs and desires openly and honestly. If strong communication channels are lacking, the actual sexual act will not be desired and fulfilling. As we know, intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean the sexual act, because you can have sex with a person and feel farther away from that person than you did before you had sex. …From the time a couple’s day begin; flirting, touching and words of endearment should be exchanged. If you’re away a lot from your spouse due to work, calls, text messages and letters should be written to keep the spark alive – even if you’re not present, strive to model presence in your absence.

    So to Not Interested Anymore, the same way you and your husband caught each other’s attention before you got married is the similar way you should go about reigniting the spark.

    Marriage requires work and it appears you’re willing to make the effort, because you wouldn’t be reaching out for advice.

    Good luck to you! I think you know what to do. Twenty years of marriage is nothing to sneeze about. I’m sure you both can counsel some folks who are struggling in surviving their first five years of marriage. 🙂

    Always try to remember what brought you two together in the first place and appreciate what you have accomplished and learn from each other over the years, this will hopefully help you handle whatever it is currently missing in your relationship.

    All the best.

  26. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Rene,

    At the risk of sounding five… “He started it!!!”

    Lololol… 🙂

  27. Cody Williams

    October 16, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Will,

    That gave me the biggest chuckle I’ve had all week.

    I hear that “he started it!!!” so much . . .

    Peace and love. 🙂

  28. Will Jones

    October 16, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Dude, I get it all the time too. What the he’ll is wrong with us? LOL

    😀

  29. Ande Lyons

    October 17, 2011 at 7:48 am

    La la LOVE all your points William – especially the reminder to put a good lock on the bedroom door. I confess to adding a chair under the handle – just in case someone figures out how to pick a lock! It’s all about peace of mind and creating the right atmosphere for ‘letting go.’ Your oral exam and toy comments are spot on and had me laughing out loud. And yes, foreplay begins in the morning, whether it’s showcasing a new lingerie outfit or sending a sexy text message about what’s going to happen later that night. I recently posted a blog called May I Have a Menu Please? It’s not always easy for women to know what they want for sensual pleasure. Many have only been exposed to what the see or read over their guy’s shoulder when he’s reviewing online porn. That’s why I highly recommend reading quality romantic erotic literature. The authors have done their homework and provide fabulous ideas for couples to try at home – or fantasies from which they can use their wild imaginations. I also suggest scheduling intimate moments – busy, child rearing, double income households need to create the space where they can devote time to sensual pleasure without being disturbed or distracted. Thank you for helping couples stay intimate – and if your readers need more suggestions, please send them on over to http://www.bringbackdesire.com where we have everything a gal needs to get out of her head and back into bed. Cheers! Ande

  30. ViHo

    October 17, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    WOW! intense discussion!!!! I LOVE IT!!! maybe if Mrs. Not interested’s husband had as much intense passion as these comments do she wouldn’t have this “lack of desire problem” towards him. you guys get it in, don’tcha? lol 😀

    ok… the one and only problem she has is that she doesn’t want to have sex with HER husband. sex itself isn’t the issue. i don’t see how her sending him sexy texts is going to make her want him more. overall i think both will & cody have some valid points. but, it sounds like he just aint doin it right…. across the board. i dunno, maybe he put on some weight over the years(let himself go a lil bit) or he’s lost his swag and fell victim to being in “daddy mode” ALL the time, wearing corny clothes and cracking corny jokes. kinda the equivalent to what a lot of mommies go through.

    i agree with what will said about her needing to communicate to him what she needs. he needs to know what HE’S doing wrong OR isn’t doing right.

    honestly, it sounds he’s about to lose his wife if HE doesn’t make some major changes. i don’t think there’s much she can do if she doesn’t want him(outside of communicating what she wants/needs). now, there are some really unconventional things that can be done. but, this definitely isn’t the forum for me to even THINK about bringing up those options(some stuff to really get ur blood rushing). this is a much “nicer, wholesome” forum… and that’s GOOD. i would never knock that. but sometimes you have to do unconventional things to get extreme results….

    bottom line, she wants some new new…. period. i’m jus sayin.
    -victor

  31. Will Jones

    October 17, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Elizabeth- Those are some GREAT points! Especially about couples remembering what brought them together in the first place. It’s so easy to fall into the “…oh, we’ve been together for 20 years…” routine, like it’s the glue that will keep you together for the next 20. IT’S NOT! What will keep you together is doing everything you can to keep things as hot as they were the first 20 months. Thanks for the reminder.

    Ande- That’s EXACTLY it! I think the fear of exploration and fear of communication keep more women (especially house wives) locked in unsatisfying sexual relationships than any other factors. Some women are so afraid of being labeled “dirty” or “nasty”, or so scared that someone might find out that they like to get a little kinky, that they don’t ask for the things that REALLY get them going. And I think maybe a lot of other women, especially those who’ve only been with one or two sexual partners, haven’t experimented enough to know what floats they’re boat. Reading exotic books is a FANTASTIC idea to gain some new information! If a woman is reading a scene and it makes her hands start shaking, it’s probably something she should put into her bedroom playbook, at least for a good test drive. By the way, I did swing over and take a look at your site… and the wife and I will be taking a look at it again this evening! Some of that stuff looks like it might be good playtime reading for both of us when we get snowed in this winter!!! 😉

    ViHo- LOL, yeah Cody and I can both get a bit “heated” but it’s mostly just swelled chests and egos (mostly!)
    Yeah, it’s quite possible that this marriage is in a bad spot, but I’m not ready to tell her to throw in the towel just yet. I really do think a lot of it is just not communicating, in the bedroom or otherwise. I don’t think him putting on a pound or two or dressing like Urkle will slow things up in the bedroom… at least not very much. Think of it this way: if the wifey puts on a few pounds, starts dressing like a school teacher, and starts talking in baby talk, it’s not really that big of a deal… as long as, once the bedroom door locks, she’s still curling your toes and straightening your fro. On the other hand, she can look like Halle Berry, but if she’s just lying there like a CPR dummy, eventually things are going to get bad unless she steps her game up. Good sex does WONDERS for making people want to work out other problems. BUT her husband probably isn’t going to read my article, so I can’t tell him to get it together; all I can do is try to tell her what to try to tell him.
    …Oh, by the way, my original article DID get a bit too hot for the this site. Luckily, the editors here keep me in check! LOL

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