Hi Will:

Hope you can help me. My husband, David and I have been married for almost 20 years. Our marriage is like most, some good days, some not so good but on the whole I’d say it’s pretty sound and I honestly can’t imagine living without him.

So what’s the problem? We don’t have sex anymore. At first it was because our bedroom door didn’t have a lock on it and the kids were always roaming about the house. Now it’s just that I’m not interested in him anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still want to have sex, just not with him.

 Will, what should I do? What should WE do together to reignite a spark that’s been long gone?

I appreciate any advice you can offer.

 Sign me: Not interested

Hey Not Interested:

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Because this is a very grown-up question, it requires a very grown up answer. If you are easily offended, you should probably stop reading at this point and move to a more “PG” area of goodenoughmother.com. Now, if you have the courage to continue, read on…

Oh, no! Holy silent bed springs, Batman! The spark is gone! There was a time when just a wink from him would have sent your panties flying across the room, but now you’d rather do your nails than your husband. What happened? Where did the fire go? Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What now?

First off, don’t panic. It’s a lot more common and a lot easier to fix than you think. I think you’ve fallen into the pattern of what I call, “Microwave Sex”. Hang with me for a second. Do you know what’s great about compact cars? They get great gas mileage. They don’t take up much room. They’re easy to parallel park; efficiency at its finest. But do you know what sucks about them? They’re boring as hell to drive. There are no frills and thrills; there’s no excitement. Yeah, they’ll get you from point A to point B, but it’s no fun getting there, and pretty soon, you just don’t want to drive anymore. It’s not long before you’re wondering what it would feel like to take your neighbor’s Mustang around the block a few times. See, when you and David changed from playing a full eighteen holes to sneaking in a round of putt-putt between knocks at the door, you fell into the “microwave sex” routine: get things as hot as you can, as fast as you can, and hope everything’s done before the bell goes off. And how long can you eat microwave food before you’d just rather not eat at all? So what can you do?

BACK TO BASICS: Dressing like bad cops and naughty nurses won’t help if you’re doing the same old two-step once the uniforms come off. The biggest problems in the bedroom are lack of communication and fear of exploration. Are you sure David knows the details of what really smokes your shorts? Are you sure YOU know? If you don’t know, find out. If he doesn’t know, you can’t be too shy to tell him. Being timid will cost you a lot of really good orgasms. So COMMUNICATE!

FOREPLAY: This is the one of the most important parts of sex but is usually the first thing to go when things get “efficient”. It shouldn’t be starting once the bedroom door is locked (you did finally put a lock on your bedroom door, right?). Foreplay is that X-rated message you leave on his cell phone or that unexpected touch he gives you in that place you love to have touched when no one’s looking and it should be going on for HOURS before the main event starts. So actually TELL him. “Do you remember what used to happen when you’d nibble on the back of my neck?” I’ll stop here but use your imagination.

HEAD TO THE TOY STORE: Vibrators: if they ever invent one that can take out the trash, men would cease to exist. If you haven’t already, it’s time to discover electricity and teach David how to drive. Some guys may be a bit reluctant to use toys at first, but once he sees your head spinning like Linda Blair, he’ll come around. And since this pretty much guarantees you’ll have an orgasm, David can be a little freer in his explorations without the worry of leaving you frustrated. Now if you’ve never used one, take it for a spin a couple of times solo, but remember the goal is to get David back to the plate, not bring in a pinch hitter.  Caution: if you buy one that takes 10 D-cell batteries and can jump-start a car, David will be intimidated and will probably just leave you two alone.

THE ORAL EXAM: If David’s not cutting the mustard, he better learn to lick the jar. But this game is ALL about communication because every woman has a different combination that opens her lock. Teach David nine or ten of the BEST things he can do with his mouth, tongue, lips, fingers, and new electric toys, and then let him practice, practice, practice!

THE MAIN EVENT: Okay, you two obviously have the “how” part down, because you have kids running around. But the “when, where, for how long, and in what positions” parts are your big variables here, and they make ALL of the difference. Remember that board game “Clue” where you had to figure out who done it? Think of it like that. It was Mr. Plum in the kitchen, with a lead pipe. It was the dirty cop, on the dining room table, with a pair of handcuffs. Hell, I just read where a couple did it while SKYDIVING, so if you’re still counting ceiling tiles and wondering who’s going to win Dancing With the Stars, you aren’t trying very hard. Tell David what you’re five favorite positions are and why. Tell him that you want more screwdriver and less hammer or vice versa. Put David in the car, drive him to a spot you found, park, and tell him you have nothing on under your dress and watch what happens.

OK, so this should cover the VERY basic of the basics. I’m leaving out a million things, but you get the idea. Exploration keeps it interesting, communication is the key, and variety is the spice of life. Once you aren’t sure what little thing David will do next (or when or where) you’ll start to wonder what he’s thinking and why he’s smiling. And once his smile is making you think about sex, my job is done. Have fun!

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.