The Truth About Stay-At-Home Parents
It appears that I live the life of a social gay philanthropist, at least to some people. When I tell people “I am a stay at home parent” – let me quote you the Family Feud number one response .. “It must be nice!”
I really believe people think I sit home on a purple colored settée, sipping on cool sweet tea and planning my next soirée.
See, I think the term stay-at- home-parent is all wrong. We don’t run a household, we run a freakin’ business. Like if the Mafia had a hotel, we’d be in charge of it. So to help those who still don’t understand, I have a job posting sheet for our house. I separated the jobs into several positions — even though it only requires 1 person. Apply within:
Pay: None, but your hands will always smell fresh or like Desitin.
Work: Do 12-15 loads of laundry per week. Remove all poop stains from kids underwear by scrubbing it with Oxyclean. Run this cycle on sanitize which takes twice as long making your day even longer.
Pick up all legos and other foreign objects stuck to your dry-crackling feet from walking about the house at 5am in your daze to get coffee.
Make all beds and disassemble all forts made by your kids into a recognizable living room, again.
Work: Make 21 meals per week. Be prepared for the “tip” jar to be empty but the complaint box to always be full. If you expect gratitude, don’t, unless you are serving peanut butter and jelly in front of the television with ice cream. This is a thankless job and pays virtually nothing.
Pay: Free Pain Meds
Work: Determine which 7 year old hit the other 7 year old and mete out punishment on an hourly basis. Overtime is expected.
Glorified Taxi Driver:
Pay: Free Gas
Work: Plan on driving 100-200 miles per day with 2 passengers who only listen to KIDZ BOP songs (11 year old versions of today’s hits) and who love to scream out all the words using all the musical notes at once. You must be prepared to constantly turn around to “look” at something important while driving 80 miles per hour while keeping your eyes on the road.
ALL JOBS REQUIRE A MASTER’S DEGREE IN SANITY AND PATIENCE.
Apply within. I’ll be waiting for you in the living room, on my purple settée.