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Happy Birthday Baby Boy…. I Miss You.

1015386_10201314372002337_756757828_oHappy Birthday Baby Boy….
I Miss You. 

 

Today is my son’s 18th birthday.

I say this with a bit of heartache and a few tears however, I will spare all the details because I want to protect his privacy and frankly, it hurts too much to go into it all.

It hasn’t been easy, these last several years.

He knows that. Regular readers of this blog know that. He knows they know.

Related: Good Enough Mother Confession: I’m Ready To Let My Teen Go

Just as I was about to write a long, drawn out thing about what we’ve been through, I hit the delete button.

Instead of rolling around in misunderstanding, pain, frustration and worry, I instead choose to celebrate this day.

18 years ago I was headed to the hospital to give birth to a tornado.

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Pregnant and hula-hooping. Yeah.

I should have known he was headstrong then. From the moment he could talk, his favorite sentence was, “I’ll do it!”

And he has, despite the fact that at times, he has made the path harder for himself.

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One of my favorite pictures of Cole

 

Related: Good Enough Mother Happy Birthday Cole!

Over the past 18 years, I have watched a baby, turn into boy then boy into man.

There was a time we were close; not so much these days and that hurts like hell.

I long for the days we had an easy rapport, sharing the same sense of humor and love of dumb criminal shows.

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Conversation now is short and labored; gone is the easy back and forth.

While I know he doesn’t hate me, I’d be lying if I didn’t say, I wished he’d like me more.

Maybe not more than his friends but perhaps just as much as? Is that asking too much?

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One of many driver’s ed sessions.. 

But that’s normal, right? They grow up, move on, choose friends over parents..

Yes. Normal. Still hurts.

So on this day, I celebrate the boy I gave birth to, hope for the man he is becoming and pray that, as he spreads his wings, he remembers the launchpad and the people who love him dearly. Now and always.

Happy birthday son. I miss you.

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Cole and me on a trip to California.. one I’ll never forget. 

 

 

 

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Carla Fantroy

    June 15, 2016 at 10:46 am

    He loves you and always will. He will be back to you once he has explored and discovered that he can have both–his Mom and his independence. My heart aches for you as a Mom. I pray for your strength and acceptance that Cole will be just fine.

  2. Pam Margolis

    June 15, 2016 at 10:53 am

    i think because sons love their mothers they need more room to separate themselves from us. to find themselves. and to realize that they are stupid morons for treating us so bad and they will eventually come back around.

  3. DawnKA

    June 15, 2016 at 11:14 am

    Parenting is not an easy task. It’s a tough role and it definitely gave me a great appreciation for my parents. As a parent, I’ve had my battles. However, we give it our all and hope for the best.

  4. Jewell

    June 15, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Renee, my pastor always says that the two greatest words you can say to someone is “me too”. It helps to share your testimony with others because you quickly find out you’re not alone .Know that I’m going through the same thing with my youngest son who is now 20. It started when he was 17 and in high school. I can say that it has gotten better with lots of intense conversations, lots of tears and mostly with time. It will get better, I promise, but in the meantime take comfort in the fact that there’s a lot of “me too’s” out here. You’re not alone, your situation is not “strange” or abnormal. I’ve survived this trying time and you will too! God bless!

  5. Sandra Sanders

    June 15, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY “COLE”. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS “GO BACK HOME”. YOU HAVE WONDERFUL PARENTS THAT “LOVE” YOU, AND THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN NOW A DAYS IS CRUEL. BE SAFE, MAKE WISE DECISIONS, AND NEVER BE LED ASTRAY BY THE ACTS OF OTHERS. PRAYING FOR GOD TO BUILD A HEDGE OF PROTECTION AROUND YOU.

  6. Laurene

    June 15, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    well raise them up with a toolbox and what tools they choose is not up to us. It’s a hard thing for a mother when a son asserts himself in maybe ways we would wish he wouldn’t. My son became addicted to pain medication and still struggles with sobriety. I had to sit and listen to a conversation that took place in a cafe that I could not help but overhear about how addicts are filthy liars and destroy families because of their selfishness and unwillingness to change. I got up and ran out and stood on the sidewalk and my heart was clenched and my gut was tight and I had to cry and breath through it. We have to kick the can down the road because something good might be down that road. Everyday I just take the good moments and hold onto them and say thank you God for this gift today, it’s all we can do…

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