Is It Right For My Best Friend To Behave This Way?
Love your common sense approach! I have a girlfriend named Brenda who, until recently, I considered to be one of my best friends. Brenda is one of those girlfriends who’s always there for me as I was for her. However, she has the habit of making cunning remarks, is argumentative and quite frankly I consider her to be very passive/aggressive at times.
Several months ago, I invited Brenda and another one of my closest girlfriends, Melissa out to dinner. This was the first time that the two of them met, though they’d heard about each other through me. They really hit it off and Brenda suggested to Melissa that the two of them should “go out and have lunch one day, without me.” Melissa was surprised by the invitation and to be polite said that they should. I was a little uncomfortable with the situation, but decided to just let it go.
Then several days ago the three of us met up for dinner again (Brenda practically begged for us to all get together again) and she said once again to Melissa that the two of them need to go out to lunch WITHOUT me.
Brenda has done some subtle things to me that I have found questionable but this situation has me really wondering about our friendship. How should I handle this and is it big enough to be a deal breaker or am I being overly sensitive?
Confused in Connecticut
I have just one question for you; why on earth are you still friends with this woman? Friends are people who want the best for you. They value your time, your opinion and your feelings. Yes, while they may be the ones to “check us” from time to time, it’s never done in a mean-spirited way. Look, I don’t know much about your relationship with Brenda, but from where I sit, unless she’s given you a kidney or acted as a surrogate mother, it’s time to cut her and her new BFF Melissa, loose. Here’s why . . .
1. There's Got To Be A Motive
If you haven’t before, it’s time now to question Brenda’s motive and frankly yours too. You mentioned right up at the top of your letter that Brenda "has the habit of making cunning remarks, is argumentative and quite frankly I consider her to be very passive/aggressive at times." I think passive aggression is the worst. I’m no psychologist but it seems to me these are the folks whose emotional growth has been stunted for some reason and they’re incapable of handling situations the way most grown-ups do, which is head-on. So instead, they search for ways tear others down as a way to lift themselves up, all the while with a smile on their face. You know what this sounds like to me? Jealously, plain and simple. But that’s her issue not yours; you’re too busy with your life to try and decipher the shifting rules of the game she plays in her head. Move on.