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Ask Rene: My Boyfriend Always Sides With His Mother Over Me!

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Ask Rene:
My Boyfriend Always Sides With His Mother Over Me!


I am 31-years-old and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been dating for 2 1/2 years and lived together for 1 1/2, 6 months of which was with his parents while we saved up money for our own place. Although I love his mother very much, while living with her she would make certain remarks that showed her disapproval of our relationship, things like “people should marry their own” (my boyfriend and I are of different races). These remarks were only said to me. To her son she speaks of how nice I am and how much she likes me, but that is false. What’s troubling to me is that she somehow has managed to manipulate his other family members, and now they are different with me.

Her words don’t bother me as much as how much my boyfriend is quick to defend her and take her word, but never mine. He says the problem is between his mother and me and he doesn’t want to be a part of it. Because of constant fighting and arguments, we decided to take time off. It happened to be a time when I was moving out of state to go to school. So now we are living in different states, which makes it harder to work things out.

I love him so much, but it hurts that he would never believe me. I feel him more and more distant every time we speak. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Signed,

Not sure and hurting.

Dear Not Sure:

Okay let me start this by saying you are doing the right thing. You need time away from your boyfriend to clear your head. While you are away I want you to listen to what your heart is telling you too. You’re a smart cookie; I can tell you’re listening already. Here’s how I see it.

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YOUR BOYFRIEND’S MOTHER HAS ISSUES

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And they are as numerous as the day is long. See, I am the mother of a son who loves me very much. But I know there will be a time when another woman comes into his life. Soon, the special place in his heart for the one woman he’s loved his whole life will be taken over by another. That does not mean he’ll love me any less, but I will take on a less prominent role in his life. And you know what? That’s as it should be. Your boyfriend’s mother either doesn’t know that or is gripping on to that place for dear life. Those snide remarks are shots across your bow in an effort to get you to loosen your grip on his heart. And she’s sneaky too because, like a sniper, she’s doing it behind his back. Ewww.. Not good at all.

Read more:  Ask Rene: Do I Have To Cut Ties With My Ex-Boyfriend’s Family?

YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS ISSUES

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The fact that he won’t stand up for you to his mother or take your word over hers tells you every single thing you need to know about their relationship and your place in it. And in this troika you already know where you stand. He’s not ready to be a full partner because his heart belongs to mama. And it’s laughable for him to say this is an issue between you and his mother, he is the one thing the two of you have in common. He really needs to man up and get involved because, by virtue of his relationship with the two of you, he already is.

Read more: Ask Rene: My Wife Gave Her Brother Money Without Telling Me! Now What?

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN

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You are still young and I can tell by your letter you are smart. So cut him loose, girl. Marriage is hard freaking work and that’s without the distraction of family dysfunction. If you marry into this madness you will resent it. You will resent your boyfriend’s mother and you will grow to resent him too. How do I know that? Because even now you can’t bring yourself to be truthful about how you really feel about this woman. You say you love her but do you really? Or you say you love her because that’s what your boyfriend wants? You know what? Life is too short, love is too precious to be wasting it on people who clearly don’t feel the same way about you, no matter what they say or do in front of their son.

Read more: Single Mom Slice Of Life: The 5 Ways I Won Some Of Parenting’s Biggest Battles!
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Now I know this is hard because you love him but I’m giving you a strategy for getting over him. You’re lucky now, you’re in another state so you won’t accidentally bump into him while picking up a pizza. Tell him it’s over and that you deserve better. Tell him the man you settle down with is going to be one who puts you (and his mother) in the proper places in his life. Then unfriend him on Facebook, don’t text him and for God’s sake, no drunk dialing. The first few days will be hell but after a few weeks, you’ll feel better. About all of this.

Run far. Run fast and don’t stop until you reach the border.

Good luck!

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More from GEM:

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[Editor’s note: This Ask Rene originally ran on 3/6/12]

 

 

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7 Comments

  1. Alicia

    March 6, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Rene’s advice is dead on. The situation will only get worse, and it will doom a marriage.

  2. Adrianne Thompson

    March 6, 2012 at 9:52 am

    I know it hurts like the dickens now, but it will hurt even more when you are still treated like an outsider 20 years later. (the voice of experience) You deserve better.

  3. Tiffany T

    March 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    My thoughts exactly! I’m thinking that maybe Not Sure just wanted verification on something she already knew, but didn’t necessarily want to be true, and Rene just gave that to her.

    You deserve better.

  4. MamasBoyNotMyBoyfriend

    October 3, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    My boyfriend told me today “damn straight” he values his moms opinion over mine and promptly broke up with me. Guess I know where his heart really is. I like his mother but she is overbearing. I wish my ex had enough confidence to value both of our opinions enough to tell his mother, you know, let me get back to you on that. Instead of just shoving my opinion completely out of the way. Doesnt matter anymore, I guess. I will look out for this in the next guy, early on, instead of wasting time with someone who is still attached at the umbilicial cord. I want a man not a baby.

  5. Lisa

    February 11, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    This woman sounds like a raging narcissisist. As long as your boyfriend and the people around her buy into her worldview, you will never win. Count your blessings that you are not married and cut and run NOW!!!! Otherwise you will be in for a world of pain and manipulation and you do not deserve that at all. Be the strong woman that you are and stand your ground. Good luck!

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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