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Ask Rene: How Can We Get The Marriage Magic Back?

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Ask Rene:
How Can We Get The
Marriage Magic Back?

I’ve been married for 27 years to John, a wonderful man. We have 4 children, and the last one just left home for college. Needless to say, it’s very quiet around the house! Now that all the kids are gone, John and I don’t have anything to talk about. It was never obvious to me that for 25 years, most of our activities revolved around the family. Even on our date nights, the conversations are about the kids.

I love John and I know he loves me. We are both committed to our marriage, so this isn’t an issue of separation or divorce. However, I want the rest of our lives together to be fulfilling. I don’t want to grow apart. After all this time, what can I do to bring back the magic?

Longing in Lafayette 

 

Dear LiL:

Can I just say, I totally get ya? I feel your pain! The intensity of raising kids can, if you’re not careful, suck the life right on out of you.. and your marriage. I know that clergy and counselors talk about not letting that happen but the reality is that it is really hard to do. Really, REALLY hard. I think the really great part of about your letter is that the two of you are committed to each other, committed to finding the way back. So to that end, here’s what I would (and will) do if I were you.

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 FIND YOUR
NEW NORMAL

Portrait of attractive middle aged woman embracing her happy husband

This is probably easier said than done, especially if it’s been a few years since it’s been just the two of you. But (in my amateur opinion), the first step to moving back together is recognizing that what you had before is not what you’re going to have now. That’s not bad, it’s just different. So where mornings used to be crazy and hectic, they may be more laid back and low-key. There might be some times where conversation is lacking or you might not even feel like being around one another. Hang in there, accept that things are different and that it may take some time to get into a comfortable groove again.

Read more: Tales From A Twin Mom: Twice The Love! 4 Ways To Make Life Easier With Newborn Twins

LOOK TO
THE PAST

memories

You’re going to need to take a walk down memory lane for this one. Break out some old albums, look at pictures, maybe love letters (or emails.. whatever). Maybe you have some gifts that you gave one another early in your courtship, whatever the items, find and display them prominently. Hopefully those things will remind you about what drew you together in the first place.

Read more: Single Mom Slice Of Life: Teaching The Good Choice Of ‘Good Enough’

REDISCOVER
THE FUN!

father and daughter are riding with their white horses on the beach

I’ve had a number of friends who sent kids off to college this year; some became empty-nesters as a result. As I was tabbing through their photos on Facebook, some of them looked positively giddy to be with one another again. From wine tours in Napa to horseback riding to hiking the hills of Northern California, find something that you can enjoy together. Get out of the mundane routine and have some fun. Oh, and have sex too.

Read more: The GEM Debate: Bullying: Should You Make Your Kid The Target?

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In addition to the things listed here, you might also enlist the help of a professional. He or she might be able to help you, in tangible ways, rekindle the relationship.

The really good news in this is that, even after all these years, you still have a genuine love for your partner and want to be together. That sounds like the first step to me; the trick now is finding the path back.

Good luck to you… I think you can do it!

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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