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Ask Rene: Do I Have To Cut Ties With My Ex-Boyfriend’s Family?

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Ask Rene:
Do I Have To Cut Ties With My
Ex-Boyfriend’s Family? 

Hi Rene:

I had a six-year relationship with a guy named Kyle. It was a “first love” type relationship and like many first loves, we just didn’t work out. However, we talk like friends every once in awhile and I keep in close touch with his family. His family has known me eight years, since I was barely 14. I’m like the daughter they never had; I adore them and we are like best friends as well as a family. Add to that I don’t have the greatest home life and I think that has drawn me closer to Kyle’s family. They have remained my safety net and support system for years.

But here is my problem; I am now in a two-year-relationship and we’ve have talked about getting engaged. My current boyfriend, Christian, knows about Kyle’s family and that I’m stil close to them. However, since we have become more serious, he now hates the fact that they’re still a part of my life. He says that it hurts him and feels like Kyle’s family is a crutch, keeping me from forming a relationship with his family and my own.

I don’t want to hurt Christian, and I don’t want to lose him but I find it terrifying and heart breaking to picture my life with out my ex- boyfriend’s family. I’m not entirely sure what to do because I don’t fully understand my own emotions. I don’t understand why I deny the problem, I don’t know why I continue to do something that hurts the man I love, and why I have a love for my ex- boyfriend’s family in the first place. Am I just scared and dependent on this family or do I really have a genuine love?

Help!

Sign me

Split in two

 

Dear Split:

Thanks for writing in. I read your letter at least three times, finding something new, and frankly, alarming each time. Given what you’ve written here, I’m not sure your current relationship, no matter how much Christian says he loves you, is on solid ground. So here’s how I see it and what I would do if I were you.

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CUTTING OFF KYLE’S
FAMILY WILL HURT THEMphotodune-318067-senior-woman-with-thoughtful-expression-xs

You say you are the daughter they never had and you’ve been a part of their life since you were 14. That’s a long time. I’m sure they made a lot of sacrifices for you, stuck their necks out, maybe even endured some financial hardships to help you out. Those are not things that were easy or done without some thought. There may have been people who told them not to do that but they did it anyway because they love you. Cutting them out of your life is kind of a crappy way to repay that kindness.

Read more: Ask Rene: Why Can’t My Neighbor Keep Her Kids QUIET? 


CUTTING OFF KYLE’S FAMILY
WILL HURT YOUPretty girl with sad expression

You and Kyle’s family have history. Cutting them out of your life for no reason other than it makes the new person in your life uncomfortable, seems a little unfair. Now, take this tip from someone married for almost two decades; your life partner will be important but it will also be necessary for you to have other people in your life.  Your mate will not be able to be all things to you and the fact that Christian either wants that or thinks he can be that, shows a lack of understanding and maturity.

Read more: Monday Morning Motivation: Confusion Or Delusion

WHERE DO CHRISTIAN’S
DEMANDS STOP?Love on Demand Escort Services Abstract Art

This is truly one of the more troubling aspects of your letter. The idea that the man who loves and cherishes you, would want to separate you from people who were (and are) such a large part of your life is just not right. And where do Christian’s demands stop? What if you have a girlfriend from work that he doesn’t like and wants you to stop seeing, will you do that? What if he decides you look terrible in blue? Will you stop wearing it? See where I’m going with this? It’s a VERY slippery slope.

Read more: Monday Morning Motivation: The Best Is Yet To Come! 

WHAT DOES YOUR
GUT TELL YOU?insecure, secure road sign illustration design over a white background

This decision ultimately has to come from you. If Christian makes you choose, trust me, you will grow to resent him ultimately. His insecurity can only be fixed by him; you trying to anticipate every point in his life that  might have him off-balance is going result in a lifetime, losing battle for you.  Ask yourself: is this the kind of marriage you want?

Read more: The GEM Experiment: Could You Work With Your Spouse?

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Christian’s argument about your relationship with Kyle’s family hindering you from forming one with his own presupposes that love is serial; in other words, that it is impossible to love more than one person at a time. We know that patently untrue; ask a mother with more than one child. What this is really about is Christian’s insecurity, something he’s going to have to work through on his own.

And one more thing: by my, albeit shaky math, you might be somewhere in your early 20’s. There’s nothing wrong with slowing things down a bit and maybe waiting a few more years before you get serious with Christian, or anyone for that matter. If he truly loves you, he’ll wait.

Good luck!

Do you have a question for Rene? She has an answer. Click here and fire away. And don’t forget to follow the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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