Ask Rene: Why Won't My Mom Support Me?

Ask Rene:
Why Won’t My Mom Support Me?

My mom gets angry very easily. When I get bad grades and do other bad things, all I know is that she is ready to get angry. I’ve tried steering around this by lying, and it works, but I don’t feel this is a healthy relationship. Instead of encouraging me to do things, she gets mad at me for doing them wrong.

And she often doesn’t listen to my ideas. I have been turned down on outfits I want to wear because “the colors clash” and other silly things. I just want to be myself.

Why won’t my mom support me?

Signed,

Troubled Teen (but not in that way)

Hey TT:

Oh bummer, I hate to hear this but maybe I can help, since I’ve been in both your shoes and her shoes. Let me start by telling you what I think might be going on. When we become mothers, the doctor hands us this little, helpless baby and something happens; we become fiercely protective and the love we thought we knew increases exponentially. In other words, our hearts expand larger than we ever thought possible. But once we get past that ooey-gooey feeling of love, we immediately think,

“OMG MY BABY COULD GET HURT OUT THERE!”

And that’s when the protective side kicks in; but sometimes it manifests itself in ways that doesn’t look like protection and instead, just looks mean or irrational. So let me see if I can clear things up. Here’s what I would do if I were you.

TALK TO YOUR MOM

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The next time you are wearing an outfit that your mom objects to, ask her why. Now listen to me: I do NOT mean in that snotty, “BUT WHY!!?” *insert huffing, puffing and non-stop eye-rolling here*. I mean in a respectful way, ask her why she doesn’t like it. She may explain it to you or she may just say, “Because I said so.” Accept her answer, even if it’s the one you don’t want to hear. Here’s a tip: if she says no, instead of asking WHY? right there, revisit the question later, after everyone’s had a moment to think about it. She might see your side if not in the immediate heat of the moment.

SHOW HER
YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE

Creative Commons/Toca Boca

One of the biggest things we as parents want to know is that our kids are learning because if they are learning that means they’re going to be able to take care of themselves and our jobs are done. Show her that you are capable of making good decisions. Start with little ones, like keeping your room clean and other chores around the house. Once she sees you can handle those things, she’ll probably be more prone to give you a little more responsibility, like decisions about your wardrobe. Oh, and one more thing? NO MORE LYING! You want your mom to trust you? Then stop this right now.

COMPROMISE

You don’t mention how old you are, but clearly you’re pretty savvy. So why not take this opportunity to show your mom how much you’ve grown by handling this the way adults do. That means compromising. She might not let you wear the really short shorts but maybe you can agree on a pair that are cute and stylish but also cover you enough for her to be comfortable.

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I think it will help if you remember this: your mom is not doing this to put the kibosh on yoru fun or individuality; she’s trying to protect you. She needs to know that you are mature enough to make good decisions. So show her that by the way you handle this.

Good luck!

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