Ask Rene: My Daughter Has A Mean Gene!

TALK TO YOUR
DAUGHTER

Talk, talk, and talk some more. And by talk I mean also listen. You need to try to find out what’s going on in your daughter’s head. Talking (and listening) doesn’t mean you’re going to let your daughter run roughshod over you; it merely means that you’re fact-finding, which will give you a better chance at figuring out what’s going on. Now, what to say? I think you need to be honest. You need to tell your daughter how her actions make her look to her friends and how they make you feel. Is she aware of that? Does she care? No guessing whats going on in her head; you need to ask.

TAKE ACTION

Once you have a better handle on what’s going on in her head, you need to figure out what to do about it. Quoting Dr. Phil, “you teach people how to treat you” and that goes for you and your daughter. It may not feel like it but each time you allow her to talk to you in that snotty tone without doing something about it, she learns how far she can push and it takes a little more of your authority. Remember the page before this one about the talking? Well, in that talking you’re also going to lay out a course of action. Tell her you’re not going to tolerate her speaking to you in that way and be prepared to do something about it when she does. I’m serious about this. Don’t wring your hands and wonder what you can do; start taking stuff away. Does she have a cell phone? Next time she pops off and is disrespectful, take it. Does she have a bedroom door? Yep, that can go too. She needs to be clear on the fact that you are not going to stand for her talking and treating you like a servant (or worse).

LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
PLAY OUT

Sometimes this feel counterintuitive to our role as parents but we really need to understand it is not. Failure is a powerful teaching tool. You daughter will see her actions ultimately chasing off her friends (a friendship fail) and she’ll figure it out. Or she’ll be alone. But either way, she will learn more from the fallout from her actions than you telling her what they will be. Pretty soon, she’ll figure it out. It may be enough for her to make changes in her behavior; it may not be. But you need to stand back and let her learn those tough lessons.

The other thing I would caution against is comparing your girls to one another. While that’s only natural (mainly because you’re trying to find a root cause for your kid’s actions), I think that does nothing but lead to heartache, unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

Good luck mom!