MOMMY CLASSIFIEDS: Buy/sell! Wanted. For Rent. Services Rendered. Lost & Found. 

FOR RENT: DROOLY BABY. Sports flaky scalp and stinky bottom. Prone to projectile spit-up, explosive diapers and episodes of discontent. Comes with toys and overindulgent grandmother. Reduced rates for Friday and Saturday evenings.

MISSING – SANITY! Lost mind somewhere between school pickup, ballet class, karate, dentist appointment and supermarket. Very valuable and much missed. If found please return promptly. Reward!

FINELY TUNED HAULER NEEDED for detailed crumb clean-up, Cheerio dust removal.

FOR SALE: ONE HUSBAND, SLIGHTLY USED. Changes light bulbs, takes out trash, kills large bugs. Clueless about packing diaper bag and buying flowers or jewelry. Comes with well-worn sneakers and season Yankee tickets.

SEEKING ELECTRONICS SPECIALIST for peanut butter and jelly sandwich removal from DVD player.

FOUND: MUFFIN TOP around my middle. Where did this come from? Please claim if yours; I do not have room to keep it.

TRANSLATOR NEEDED for baby and toddler. Interpret difference between “Wah!” and “Wahhhh!” Also decipher 2 year-old speak “mor chee plees”. Experienced only apply.

WANTED: WIFE. Busy mom seeks another for mutual division of To-Do list. Self-starter needed for payless, thankless position. Patience and positive attitude a must.

BONBONS FOR BARTER. Miscalculated purchase.

FREE! NURSING BRAS IN SIZE DDD. Massive shrinkage since weaning. Can’t believe I ever fit this size. Laughable.

PART-TIME WORK! Additional mom friends needed for support, laughter, venting sessions. Share stories, advice, tears and coffee. Limitless opportunity, multiple slots available!

More from GEM:

On Aisle 9: Three Things My Special Needs Son Can Teach You About Life

Life Lessons: Fadra Nally

Single Mom Slice of Life: Welcome Back, Boys; I Hardly Knew Ye

Valerie Gordon has been navigating the wilds of central Connecticut since relocating to suburbia from New York City four years ago. The 40-year-old mother of two is also a Coordinating Producer at ESPN where she oversees feature production. This means she often has to choose what to watch on evening TV: the big game or anything on Bravo?