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Ask The Good Enough Guy: My Husband Likes My Friend’s Breasts…

Will, thanks for reading this.  I feel so high school about it, but I know I’m not making this up.  I’ve spoken to my husband about this and he usually just brushes me off and tells me I am over reacting.  The problem is that I have a very small chest and my best friend has a lot more than I do.  I’ve caught my husband staring at her chest, and once at a party, he and his friends were making comments about the women and she, of course, was a HUGE part the subject matter.  I’ve known this woman forever, and I love her dearly, but I’m starting to resent her.  What should I do?  How can I keep this woman away from my husband?  Should that be a concern?  And shouldn’t my husband care a little more about how this makes me feel?

Feeling Small

Hey FS,

I’ve got four sisters (two younger and two older) and they all had a gaggle of friends, none of whom ever paid any attention as to whether or not I was listening to their conversations. Well, I was, and this is the one that I heard more than any other. I suppose just about every girl at one time or another is waiting on their particular visit from the Breast Fairy. Guys have it easy on this one although, now that I’m over forty, I have to try and make sure the breast fairy doesn’t visit me. In any case, how much she “blessed” you or your friend with is not the issue here: it’s just a red herring hiding the real problem.

MAN RULE = MEN WANT TO SEE BREASTS: Ask an anthropologist and it was how cavemen determined the best mates for procreation.  Ask a psychiatrist and it’s probably something to do with us being breast fed too much or not enough.  Ask my grandmother and it’s because boys are just nasty.  I guess, to some degree, their all right; somehow it’s just part of our makeup.

But that fact, in and of itself, doesn’t make it alright for men to objectify women. Yes, as young boys with raging hormones, we forgot ourselves and stared awkwardly, but eventually we matured into men (at least most of us did), and understood that it was not okay to stare at a woman’s chest or any other part of her body until and unless she gave us the right to do so, and that is where you find your REAL problem. The fact that you feel that your breasts are small, or that you feel that your friend’s are large, has NOTHING to do with issue at hand. You have done nothing wrong and neither has she. The REAL problem is that your husband is jackass (my wife says to call him “immature”, but I think I have to stick with jackass). He is showing a complete lack of respect for you AND for your friend. As a grown man and even more so as a husband, he should know that ogling your friend or any other woman is a no-no.

THE BRA STRAP CUTS BOTH WAYS: As I mentioned, I have four sisters, and every time the Breast Fairy did show up, she brought an abundance of blessings… and problems. She brought clothes that fit the waist but not the chest or vice-versa. She brought games and sports that could no longer be played, at least not comfortably. She brought attention that a lot of girls think they want; only to find out that once it’s on, it can’t be turned off. And, at least in my family, she brought eventual back pain and cut shoulders and thoughts of getting reductions just to be rid of the very things they been waiting for as girls. I guess that’s very little solace when a young girl is trying to build self esteem or when a woman is feeling insecure about her body, but don’t blame your friend for it either. It doesn’t sound to me like she is after your husband; it just sounds like she’s just the object of your issue, and it’s no fairer for you to objectify her than it is for your husband and his friends. You don’t mention here that she’s ever done anything but be a friend to you, so put your insecurity and your cup size aside and be one back.

HOW TO SADDLE A JACKASS (or an “immature husband”):  As I said, men want to see breasts, and most may slip up and glance from time to time. When we do, we will usually catch ourselves before (or just after) we get ourselves into trouble. If this was all that your husband was doing, I would probably ask for leniency or at least tell him to plead temporary insanity. On the other hand, if he’s a repeat offender, a serial peeper, or just plain gawking at your friend like she’s the bottom line of an eye-test chart, it’s time to set him straight. And if he’s doing all of this even after you’ve told him that it bothers you, it’s time for some a serious talk. Idle threats to leave him or trying to get even by checking out his best friend’s butt may seem like a good idea, but they can backfire and leave a couple trying to one-up each other right into a divorce. Instead tell him that what he’s doing is disrespectful to you and your friend and that it hurts you that he would treat you that way. Tell him that respect runs both ways and that if his disrespect continues, eventually you he’ll make you choose to either love him or respect yourself, and he’ll lose you. As I said before, threats are a bad idea, but this isn’t a threat: it happens to couples every day. As I said before, a man may slip and make an honest mistake once in a while, but no one deserves to be constantly disrespected by someone who’s suppose to love them. Tell him to get his act together and keep his eyes to himself.  And mean it.

I hope he gets it together, and I’ll say a prayer for you!

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William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.

5 Comments

  1. karen rosenberg

    April 28, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Is he talking about wanting you to have bigger breasts? Is he touching hers? Having a secret affair with them? Stalking them? Talking in his sleep about them? If not, forget about it. We are more than our boob size. Don’t resent her for hers.

  2. m.e. johnson

    April 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Why do couples do this to each other? Openly admire in others what their mate is lacking? Hair, breasts, legs, butt, dainty feet, height, weight, you name it.
    In the talk that you suggest I would probably ask, “If ______ means so much to you, why did you marry me?” If he started stammering all my lovable qualities, my next words would be, “Then shut the hell up about it! I feel like you’re making fun of me and 1) I don’t like being made fun of and 2) others are making fun of you for marrying someone you think so little of. So knock it off!” (Re: “so little of”, I don’t think about correct English when I’m on a roll.)
    Sorry folks, but for me, after a while niceness wears thin.

  3. Will Jones

    April 30, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Karen-I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to forget about it just because his actions wouldn’t bother you. What ever he’s doing is bothering her or she wouldn’t have brought it up. I do agree she shouldn’t be upset with the friend, but she has e very right to be upset with the husband.

    M.E. I totally agree. And even if she had double-D’s, her husband should still control himself around her friends. I teach my young men that being a real man means learning the three R’s: Respect, Responsibility, and Restraint. Can you guess which one that guy needs to learn? 😉

  4. m.e. johnson

    April 30, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Will, I always get a little thrill when you give me a thumbs up. Re-reading her letter I want to add words that make you raise one eyebrow:

    > “I was just kidding.”
    > “Can’t you take a joke?”
    > “You’re too sensitive.”
    > “Don’t take it personally.”

  5. Will Jones

    April 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    M.E. Those are good! LOL. If I said them, my wife would raise her eyebrow and then punch me in mine!

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