I know you have answered people’s questions about boyfriends before so I’m hoping you can take on one more.
Recently I started working offshore so I am not at home as much as I used to be and because of that, me and my boyfriend have been having problems opening up to each other. I have told Sam we need to sit down and talk but it never works out that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and though we’ve been living together for almost nine months now, we decided to take a month-long break from each other so he would be able to decide what he wants (whether he wants to be with me or not).
Well, I found out recently that he got drunk and kissed a girl. He told me he didn’t think we were compatible anymore but in the next breath he says he still doesn’t know what he wants and thinks I don’t know either.
I’m 23 and yes I know I’m young and should be having fun but I want to settle down with the right guy (and I hope that is my current boyfriend) but I don’t know how to tackle the situation.
Can you please help?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Yes I have dealt with boyfriend issues, here on the site and in real life, though it was long ago. Because I’ve been where you are, I feel pretty confident in giving you this bit of advice and I hope you listen. As hard as this is to understand and perhaps accept, you need to know this is NOT the guy for you. I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me.
That’s probably not what you wanted to hear but here’s why I think he’s all wrong.
*DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WAITING ON SOMEONE ELSE? Because essentially that’s what Sam is asking you to do. You don’t mention how old he is but if he’s young, he’s probably worried about settling down with one woman. Even if you’re the greatest person in the world, what Sam’s thinking is, “OMG, I’m going to spend the rest of my life having sex with one person! Forever, and ever and EVER!” I’m fairly certain Good Enough Guy will back me up on this one. That does not take anything away from you as much as it speaks to the fact that he is just not ready.
*DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO BLAMES YOU FOR HIS UNCERTAINTY? Because, yes, he’s doing that too. There are two problems with this. First is his refusal to accept responsibility for his life, actions and situation. When he says, “You don’t know what you want,” he’s projecting what he feels onto you. He’s going to look at you as the scapegoat for all the things that are wrong in his life, at least until he grows up a bit. No matter how good you are, how great the meal you cook is, no matter how smokin’ the sex, if he’s not happy, he’s going to blame you. You want to sign up for a lifetime of that?
*YOU DESERVE BETTER: I really don’t know how many times I have said this to people who write in here but the fact is, no one deserves to be treated this way. Truly, you’re better off being alone than with a guy who can’t decide what he wants. As for his claim that he made out with a woman because he was drunk, well that’s just a bunch of hooey. I truly don’t believe alcohol “makes” people do anything as much it relaxes their inhibitions and allows them to do what they had in mind all along. Is that the kind of guy you want to spend your life with?
*WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Let him go, girl. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You still have a chance to find man who will RUN to you; who thinks you hung the moon and can do no wrong, even when you do. You need to find someone who would rather take off his jacket than have you walk in a puddle. The good news is, he’s out there but you have to be open to finding him. The first step in that is letting this current boyfriend go.
A final note: Don’t be surprised if Sam comes running back once you say you’re leaving. You’ll have to decide what to do at that point but if I were you, I’d stick to my guns and wait for someone who knows what they want and what they want is you.
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