Connect
To Top

Ask The Good Enough Guy: Is My Boyfriend Addicted To Porn?

Sex tapes

Hi Will:

I just started reading your answers a short time ago. I’m 28-years-old and I have a six-month-old son. My boyfriend (who is the father) and I live together. We plan to be married…someday.

I’m writing to get some advice before I make a rash decision. We’ve had some issues, major ones but we managed to get past them. He has clinical depression, and needless to say, it has been a roller coaster being in this relationship. My reason for reaching out for help (before I lose my mind) is his recent habit.

After the baby, our sex life never really got back to normal and now I think he has become addicted to porn. He takes every opportunity to watch it and masturbate. I have talked to him in the past and a couple of times, we had it out, but nothing has changed. The times I have caught him masturbating (too many to count), I get so angry I don’t even know what to do. And since they say anger is a secondary emotion, I guess my real emotion is hurt. I’ve never turned him down for sex, ever, but now he doesn’t even pursue me. 

I realize this may be very awkward and straight out of left field, but something about talking to a complete stranger makes me feel better.

Hanging by a Cobweb

 

Hey Hanging,

There are a lot of times to tell jokes about guys masturbating. This isn’t one of them. I’m going to be very real and very honest with you. You have a difficult decision to make and there is no easy way out; one solution is tough, the other is tougher. You’re going to have to weigh the possibility that things may never really change against the hope that they will. Here’s what I think:

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG: Clinical depression takes a person to a terrible place. I’m not a doctor, but let’s just say I feel like I can speak on this. I’ve always loved being me, except for about a one-year span, a few years back, when being me wasn’t quite so good. I couldn’t get more than two or three hours sleep. I’d wake up in the middle of the night worrying over nothing. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I was forgetful. I was angry and frustrated. I was anxious one minute and exhausted the next. It felt like everything I did was wrong. The simplest things, like just getting out of bed in the morning, become a monumental undertaking. Most of your friends and family only see a little change, but just below the surface, you can feel like every minute is a struggle. Pretty soon it gets bad enough that all you want to do is escape. You want something to take you away, for a few minutes, or an hour… or forever. You start looking for anything that helps you cope. Writing saved me, but not everyone writes.

Usually masturbation is no big deal. All men (with very few exceptions) do it. Porn is no big deal. Most men look at it, on occasion. Having a drink once in a while is no big deal… do you see where I’m going with this?

Your boyfriend is looking for an escape, and any that he finds, he’ll likely dive into head first. Porn/masturbation offers immediate gratification and immediate fantasy (distraction) in a stress-free environment, a trifecta for a depressed person. There is no one to please but himself and no one to be disappointed with his performance. He’s not thinking about how you feel because he can’t; right now he’s only thinking about his own pain. Just remember, it isn’t you he’s trying to escape from. It’s himself.

WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE:  You can’t fix him. A doctor may or may not be able to, and you may or may not be able to help but in the mean time, you’re going to suffer along with him. And because you love him, it’s going to be as hard as if you were the sick one. It could take years, if he gets better at all. The depression, the porn addiction, none of it is your fault, but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel the effects. You’ll feel lonely, hurt, angry, frustrated, and helpless; in short, you’ll probably feel all the symptoms of his depression and for as long as he has it. Depression is the cancer of happiness. It eats away at everything that’s good in a person, and then starts to suck the life out of his or her family. As heartless as it may sound, you have your own health and happiness, and that of your son, to worry about. And leaving doesn’t mean not being there if he needs you, it just means getting on with your own life while you try to help him get better. Maybe one day, he’ll get himself together and, if you’re both willing, you can try again. But if he never does, you won’t have wasted the next however many years hoping for something that doesn’t happen. Some may say you were wrong to leave him, others will say you’re a fool to stay, but the sure thing is you only get one life, and nobody can give you a single one of these days back.  How long are you willing to suffer in the hopes of being happy later on?

WHY YOU SHOULD STAY: I was in a bad place for a while; now I‘m not. It was not anyone’s fault. My wife and I had been together for nearly 15 years when I went there. If she had left me, I would have been hurt, even angry, but I would have understood. Luckily, by then I’d already gotten her to sign on to the “in sickness and in health” thing and she stuck it out with me. And my kids were a little older so I just explained to them how I was feeling and they understood (yeah, they’re pretty great). I owe them all big time.

So, if you are going stay, you might as well get proactive. Do what ever it takes to help him as much as you can. Along with the writing, exercise helped me; I about rode the wheels off of my bike. In his case, cancel the X-rated cable channels; put a porn-blocker on your computer (they’re easy to find on line and come with passwords so only you can take them off.) Tell his doctor about the issue and see what he or she suggests. Help him find another escape; something that gets him up and moving. And go to a couple’s counselor. They’ll help you sort through your feelings and it may help your boyfriend understand how you feel.  If you’re willing to stick it out, and things turn out for the best, you’ll have your boyfriend back, your son will have his dad, and you can put the whole thing behind you.

I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go but I can tell you to think it through and then give yourself permission to do the best thing for you, your boyfriend, and your son. Good luck to all of you, and I’ll pray for you.

More from Will

I Want My Boyfriend To Lose His Tattoo

Where Is The Love

Why Do Guys Always Cheat On Me?

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing. Follow him on Twitter @goodenoughguy1

5 Comments

  1. m.e. johnson

    February 26, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    Might there be any legal issues here? For instance, my job has a morals/ethics clause in the contract. Porn found on a computer in my home would be cause for dismissal, and no unemployment money. Porn with a child in the home? Could she lose her baby for allowing it? Will, do you know?

  2. Will Jones

    February 27, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I guess specific jobs might have specific rules that a person might agree to, but but in the good old USA, regular run of the mill x-rated content isn’t illegal to purchase or view, be it in a theater, and adult book store, or in the privacy on one’s own home. There are of course laws against viewing child pornography and various other deviations, and it is illegal to sell or show any x-rated material to minors, but I think the rest is more immoral than illigal. Sadly, morality has more to do with responsibilities than rights, so no one really fights for it.

    That’s a good question though.

  3. m.e. johnson

    February 27, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Thank you, Will. I’m still learning something new every day. I hope Dude hasn’t progressed to kiddie porn yet.

  4. Ella Rucker

    February 28, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Ut-oh. I wonder what the GEM morality code is. LOL “I ain’t signing no stinking papers!”

  5. Will Jones

    February 28, 2012 at 7:39 am

    M.E.- Men like naked (naked ladies, naked pictures, naked movies, etc). That’s by design. It always has been that way, and it always will be. On the other hand, any adults who enjoy child pornography have a sickness. That’s a whole different very serious issue. Hopefully, he’s nowhere near that far gone.

    Ella- ROTFLMAO!!! I wonder if I can get them to believe that only read Playboy for the articles!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More in Ask The Good Enough Guy

Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

Copyright © 2017 Good Enough Mother® Designed By ABlackWebDesign