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Mediocre Mom Manual: WTH? I Have A Texting Teen!

 

Hey Son, J2LYK, I’m no longer an IBK.

Two major things have happened in our household in the last couple weeks; life changing events—events you remember forever as being “turning points.”

My son started texting girls. And I finally have a phone that requires me to pay for a monthly data package, meaning I can text now too. Of course, I am not one of the girls that my son is texting.

I’m pretty sure that my son was one of the last middle school students to get his own phone (“Mom! It doesn’t even have a camera!”), and while I’m not completely technology challenged, I am probably one of the last adults to own a calling device that does something other than make calls. My old phone did have texting capabilities, but it didn’t have a full keyboard and I didn’t know how to text correctly. By the time I had finished writing something like, “Need milk at store,” or “when are you coming home?” twenty minutes had passed and my brain and thumbs were throbbing. Up until now, I have avoided texting at all costs.

My son, on the other hand, has taught me more about texting in the two weeks following Christmas (when he got his phone) than I had previously known since texting became an everyday vocabulary word. And while I knew he would be using this feature quite a bit, I didn’t quite expect that he’d be texting girls so soon. Not long ago any mention of the opposite gender elicited the response, “Mom, can we please stop talking about this? I’m getting a stomach ache.”

Now that my son is texting and I have the ability to do so (unlimited!), I figured I’d better get myself up to speed on the current acronyms—all the ways people string together capital letters to form a coherent, cohesive, cryptic message. (That’s a new oxymoron to add to your vocabulary.)

So onto the Internet I went, searching for a list of common texting acronyms. I figured I’d find a list of maybe a couple hundred words, since I’m already pretty familiar with LOL and CUL8R, really, how many more can there be?

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled onto the NetLingo website, and discover a comprehensive list of over 2,000 acronyms for texting. WTH? (That’s another one I already knew.) How am I supposed to remember over 2,000 acronyms? I decided to read through the list one time. Just to see how difficult or long they were.

I got to the letter “I” before I started skimming. I skimmed the rest until I got to the letter “M.” After that I just scrolled and glanced. Some acronyms confused me, as they had more than one meaning. The simple one GFY, can stand for “Good For You,” or “Go F#@* Yourself,” which seems a little dangerous if you try to use it in the happy sense and it is received in the negative sense.

(Says 10 year-old in tears) “Mom! After I told Uncle Jack about scoring the final point in the soccer game and winning the state title, he told me to go f#@* myself!”

Other acronyms seem rather stupid, being just as short as the actual word. NE stands for “Any,” but apparently typing the letter A and spelling the whole word is simply too time consuming. The energy saved from not typing the A is then used to type something like, ILICISCOMK which means, “I Laughed, I Cried, I Spat Coffee On My Keyboard.” I’m glad that’s finally an acronym, because I frequently use that line and it’s such a bitch to type. But don’t worry, if you don’t drink coffee, it can also stand for “spilled coke or spat crumbs,” as well. That acronym truly has everyone covered.

And of course, there are the acronyms similar to the one above, that I find hard to believe people use enough to actually require an acronym in the fist place. Like AMRMTYFTS (“All My Roommates Thank You For The Show” which honestly makes me want to forbid my children from attending college), or GSYJDWURMNKH (“Good Seeing You, Just Don’t Wear Your Monkey Hat,” because monkey hats are really popular these days, unless monkey hat refers to some body part I’m not familiar with), or IANAC (“I Am Not A Crook,” but this one may really come in handy, seeing as how the 21st century is pretty ripe with large-scale institutional fraud and pilfering CEO’s.)

I’m thinking that maybe I should have given my son a rotary phone for Christmas instead. The overarching message after reading the acronym list is to be wary and guarded of all texts that begin with the letter F.

What I did notice however, was that this list was written for the younger crowd, say, anyone who is single, childless, and under the age of forty. I’ve compiled a list of a few acronyms for the forty and up crowd, since us OOT parents are now becoming text savvy and may want to communicate with each other without our children knowing what we are talking about. I’m only going to include a few here. I found that once I got started creating acronyms, it was hard to stop. If you are over forty, here you go:

NTIHAH: Not tonight, I have a headache.

NTIHAHA: Not tonight, I have a headache again.

IMG2HAH4EVR: I’m going to have a headache forever.

OIJPAL: Oops, I just peed a little.

JPWC: Just peed while coughing.

JPWS: Just peed while sneezing.

INAM: I need a martini.

WIWI2HTK: Whose idea was it to have these kids?

WITY9: Where is the wine?

IY930: It’s wine-thirty.

MDGOT: Money doesn’t grow on trees.

T2GAJ: Time to get a job.

MLWT2YL: My lawyer will talk to your lawyer.

IWAD: I want a divorce.

NMMBS: Nursing made my boobs sag.

KAAHMSBILTA: Kids are a huge money suck but I love them anyway.

STTMDA: Shit, time to make dinner again.

MTTHKE: My teen thinks he knows everything. (You can easily make this for female teens as well.)

MTIC: My teen is clueless.

IMSBCTNM: I’m surrounded by crap that’s not mine.

MKNPUTS: My kids never pick up their shit. (Or stuff, if you aren’t the swearing variety.)

NOL2ME: No one listens to me.

DUHMISNOL2ME: Did you hear me? I said no one listens to me!

Okay GEM nation! Come up with some of your own acronyms! Are you ROTFL? Or SICS? If you don’t join in now, you’re going to miss out. SSEWBA! (Check these against the list and share some of your own!

 

Rachel Vidoni is a professional writer and blogger and former classroom teacher. She is a mediocre mother to three pretty neat kids. You can follow her humor and family blog at www.eastcoastmusings.blogspot.com. You might not be a better parent after reading her blog, but you will feel like one.

2 Comments

  1. Kristi Marsh

    January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    ShRing On FB! LV it!

  2. Gladys McNamee

    January 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Rachel OMG ITIPMP!

    You are too funny

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