Dear Rene:
I’m in a situation that I’m not quite sure how to get out of. I just turned 22-years-old and am engaged to my boyfriend of four years. I love Tom very much as he saved me from an abusive situation with my stepfather. So what’s the problem? I think I’m in love with my best friend Leslie.
Leslie and I have known each other and been close since the second grade. About three weeks ago after a night of partying, she and I ended up in my dorm room and before we knew what was happening, we were making out! We stopped before it got too heated and neither she nor I have brought it up since then.
The question is what to do now? I have deep feelings for Tom but think I’m in love with Leslie. I’m not sure what I should do. Should I marry Tom and hope what I feel for Leslie will go away? And am I straight or gay? HELP!
Sign me,
Lots of questions and no good answers
Dear Questions:
Yep, those ARE some big questions. In reading this, there are a couple of things that come to mind. So here’s what I would do if I were you, first of which is not to panic. Read on..
HUMAN SEXUALITY IS COMPLEX: Not everyone will agree with me on this but personally I believe that human sexuality is more shades of gray than black and white. And because you’re young, you’re still working through what you feel. I’m not sure it’s necessary for you to label yourself one way or the other right now; ultimately you will figure out whether you are more comfortable with men or women and you can build your life from there.
DON’T GET MARRIED! I say this for a couple of reasons, only part of it having to do with your feelings for Leslie. 22-years-old is very young to be getting married. That’s not to say people don’t do it, obviously they do, but you still have a whole lot of living to do. Once you get married you can’t be selfish anymore (and putting yourself first is not a bad thing) and all your decisions will be made with someone else in mind. Can you say you are truly ready for that? If you can’t, then don’t do it.
EXAMINE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR TOM: Time for some soul-searching. Do you really love Tom or is what you feel more an extreme sense of gratitude for him saving you from an abusive situation? Gratitude is nice and it is important and all but it is a poor foundation for a marriage. Make sure you’re clear on that before you say, “I do”.
You have quite a bit to think about here but you don’t have to make a decision by tomorrow. Take your time to sort it out in your head and heart.
Good luck to you!
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