…AND WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?
Hi Will:
Everyone says you can find good men in blue-collar jobs. Well, I say, it doesn’t matter the profession, all men are dogs! I’ve tried rich men, middle-class men, bus drivers, heck even my garbage man. I’ve even dated a few I didn’t even consider attractive because love comes in all shapes and sizes. I’m always receptive to any and all invitations, but as soon as we exchange numbers, they are trying to convince me that they are husband material and perfect for me. NO! They can’t be because as soon as the initial date is over I don’t hear from half of them and the other half only call me to complain about their baby momma drama or momma drama or lost job/car or whatever drama which, coincidentally is why he can’t see me again anytime soon.
I’m a 38-year-old, confident, self-made woman. I don’t have any children. I live in an apartment that rivals most and pay all my own bills. I’m not looking for a walking check; I’m looking for my soul mate. My friends’ mates all seem to have one or two quirks, but I see the love they have for their women and that’s all I want for me. Are there good men left out there or am I just doomed?
Mission Impossible
Hey M.I.,
Wow. Where shall I begin? For starters, if all the men you’re dating are dogs, then either you’re acting like a piece of meat or shopping at a dog pound. There are seven BILLION people on the planet and roughly half of them are men so until you’ve dated all of them, you can’t say that “…all men…” are anything. Secondly, if this is your mind set while you’re looking for a man, I’m not surprised you can’t find one. Trust me; not only are there still some good ones out there; there are some GREAT ones. But what you need to do first is one of the easiest to say and hardest to do: change how you think. Let’s get started:
In your letter, I count at least a dozen examples of WRONG thinking when it comes to finding a man, keeping a man, and making a relationship work. You’d need to read a whole book that I don’t have time to write! A few examples:
“All men are dogs”…(We’ve discussed that one.)
“…good men in blue-collar jobs”… This sounds degrading. The color of a man’s collar is as insignificant as the color of his skin when it comes to relationships. A good man would pop his blue collar as he walked away from you.
“…heck, even a garbage man…” I’ve got an uncle who’s a garbage man who’s a better man than most, makes close to six figures, and has been happily married for more than 20 years.
“…I’ve even dated a few I didn’t consider attractive…” Why in the hell would you date someone you weren’t attracted to? In the early stages of a relationship, the attraction is what makes us think the other person’s faults are cute. That’s the whole meaning behind the saying “love is blind!” Who wants to be with a person they think is ugly for a long time?
“…Receptive to any and all invitations…” How are you gonna see the right guy if the wrong guys are always in your way? Be picky; ’til death do us part is a long time.
“…As soon as we exchange numbers they are trying to convince me that they are husband material…” And how do they know you’re shopping for a husband within ten minutes of talking to you? Because any club hound worth his player card can smell a “shopping woman” a mile away, and of course he’ll try to sell her what he thinks she’s shopping for.
Okay, I think you get my point. So how do we fix it? Simple. There is nothing impossible about your mission, but just like any mission, you need a goal, you need a map and you need a strategy.
*THE GOAL: Sit down with a pen and paper and design the man you need. Notice that I did not say the man you want: big difference. You may want a rich man, but you may need a man who’s frugal and can help you curb your shopping and reach your goals. You may want a body like Arnold with a Denzel face, but you may need a man who’s attractive but doesn’t spend more time in the gym and in the mirror than you do. So what do you need in a man? Be realistic but detailed. How tall is he? What color are his eyes? Are his hands rough or smooth, and why? What does he do for fun? What makes him happy? Be as thorough as you can… remember; you’re creating your soul mate.
*THE MAP: If you followed the directions above, you should have a pretty good picture of the man you need in your life (your goal), and if you were as meticulous as you should have been, it is probably pretty clear where to find him. Seriously. If he looks like he spends a lot of time in the gym, guess where he probably is? If he wears a suit and tie or other high end clothing, where does he buy them? Does he work with his hands, does he hunt or fish, is he very spiritual, is he an avid reader? And by this thinking, the only reason a woman would look for a husband in a night club is if she wanted a man who likes to stay out late, party all night, and try to pick up women. I’m just saying..
*THE STRATEGY: Listen closely: you are not shopping for a man; you’re hunting for your man. Shopping means going out, looking around aimlessly, bouncing from place to place, picking up this and that, and coming home with something you don’t want and will want to exchange tomorrow. Hunting means deciding what you really want and then going to the place where that thing is with the tools and the mindset to bring it home. If you’re hunting for a deer, don’t bring home a rabbit just because he asked to go home with you. If you’re looking for a tiger, don’t waste you’re time listening to squirrels talk about their baby’s mommas. Clear the riff-raff out of your life, decide that the man you want IS NOT a dog, and don’t settle for less than what you bring to the table. You deserve to be happy, but it’s up to you to make yourself that way.
I know there’s a lot here to take in all at once and if I could get it past my editor, I’d write a lot more. I hate to see good women with bad attitudes because they’ve dated what I call “almost men”. Don’t make the good ones pay for the nonsense the bad ones get away with. There are hard-working, intelligent, honest, loyal, guys out there who are looking for good women to appreciate them. Trust me, once you drop the bad habits, change the negative attitude, kick the knuckleheads to the curb, and start hunting for yours, you’ll find and you’ll love him, quirks and all. Write me back when you do; I love to hear when I’m right!
William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.
