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Ask Rene: My Husband HATES My Hair!

Hi Rene:

Wow I’m not sure where to start except to say I’m stunned. My husband of three years is threatening to leave me. Why? Because he hates my hair. Let me explain.

I’ve been growing my locs for several years. I always got compliments and I loved them. But as they got longer, they got heavier and became more work than I wanted to invest. So I cut them off. Now I have a TWA (Teenie, Weenie Afro). The problem is my husband HATES it! He says he feels like he’s looking at a teenage boy all the time. Our sex life, which had been fairly robust, has come to a screeching halt.

This doesn’t feel fair at all. I never said anything when he gained 25 pounds; I love him as much now as I did then.

I’m reaching out to you because I know you must have gone through something similar when you went natural. What do I do now? I thought he loved me. Doesn’t love see past the superficial and into the soul? I guess in my case, it did not. 

What now, Rene? Is hair really that big a deal to men?

Loc-less and Loveless in LA

Dear LLLA:

Oh man, I am so sorry to hear this and I truly wish I could say this is the first I’m hearing of it. Alas I cannot. I frequent several hair boards and this is a common topic for discussion.  I’m going to give you my take on what’s happening but then I want to open it up to the guys I call my “Man Panel”, Victor Hogan, Cody Williams and I’m sure you know Will Jones, aka Good Enough Guy.  I’m sure they’d be more than happy to lend insight as to what is going through the male mind on this one. But from my perspective, here we go.

MEN ARE ALL ABOUT THE VISUAL:  You’ve been married long enough to know that men are visual creatures. They can’t help it; they’re hard-wired that way. It’s almost the polar opposite for us, even when we date less than attractive men, the more we get to know them the more attractive they become. In your husband’s mind, he’s the victim of a “Bait and Switch”. He married someone with a ton of hair, now he’s waking up next to someone else. I’ll bet if you got him good and drunk he’d even say he feels a bit betrayed by the whole thing. I think you need to start with good old-fashioned conversation. Ask him what he’s thinking and make sure he knows the reasons you did what you did.

GIVE HIM TIME:  I know that when I first went natural, it took a second for my husband to get used to it. Hell, it took a second for ME to get used to it! But eventually I did (and Buff did too) and the person staring back from the mirror was not a complete stranger. But I need to make an important point. Buff supported me because he knew it was important TO me to follow this journey toward authenticity. That’s the foundation of a strong marriage, when you want your partner to be happy, even if it means a minor inconvenience for you. I didn’t love me with short hair, not sure what Buff thought of it either All I know is he bit his tongue and made me feel beautiful even when I felt like a 12-year-old boy.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO REASSESS THE RELATIONSHIP: I know we all want to believe we married for better or for worse.  But in some cases, the things we thought were rock solid are anything but. Your husband didn’t marry your hair; he married the woman underneath it. But if he can’t see that, then I suspect he’s not the guy for you. Because if he can be sidetracked by something as minor as hair, what’s he gonna do when the real problems hit?

Okay, that’s my take, from the strictly female perspective. I need to hear from Victor, Cody, Will and any of my other male GEMs about what the heck is going on here.

And for the rest of you, if you have a question for Rene, she has answer. Click here and fire away. And don’t forget to join the conversation over on her Facebook page and follow her on Twitter.




  1. pattyrowland

    November 4, 2011 at 6:11 am

    if your husband is threatening to leave you because he hates your hair he doesn’t love you the way a husband should love you.

  2. Demond Lee

    November 4, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Wow..really? This man, obviously, has underlying issues. I pray he didn’t just fall in love with your hair. If he is so fickle to sabotage your bond in marriage over a hairstyle, then he is not fit for matrimony in the 1st place. Instead of rejecting your form of self-expression, he should nurture it. Today its your hair. What will be the excuse for the future? Your nail polish? You dresses? Your cooking? A communicated resolution is in dire need, milady.

  3. happy2bnappy

    November 4, 2011 at 7:20 am

    I agree with Rene that u should give him some time to get used to it but in the meantime I think if u add some funky accessories to ur wardrobe that may help. Earrings always make me feel better about my look. Also keep ur lip gloss popping as much as possible when ur around him. If none of these things help him to adjust to ur new look as it grows out and he still threatens to leave u might want to consider letting him. Good luck

  4. Cee

    November 4, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Lord knows what hubby would think if you’d lost all your hair. Most guys I know (and strangers on the street) love the way their women look with short hair. I can testify that it’s a freeing experience to not worry too much about the upkeep, and I think that’s a turn-on for a lot of men. Methinks your hair is not the real problem with the hubs.

  5. LaTonya

    November 4, 2011 at 8:46 am

    I agree Rene, she’s no longer what he married, and there should be a conversation. From my experience and 21 years of marriage, change is difficult for men, unless they’re doing the changing. What I’ve also learned is they want to be considered in the change, big and small.

    Not that she should have asked, “can I cut my hair?” But there should have been a conversation… “I’m considering cutting my hair, because… and what do you think?”

    Men want to feel like they’re included in the decision making. Although this time it’s about her hair, she’s made other important decisions without talking to him about it. And now, he’s displaying how upset he is about it.

  6. TechyDad

    November 4, 2011 at 9:06 am

    The threats of divorce are over the top, of course, but I might be able to see the reason for the husband’s reaction.

    “He says he feels like he’s looking at a teenage boy all the time.”

    If he really feels like this, it might weird him out. I know most guys wouldn’t like sleeping with teenage boys. It’s pretty ingrained in us that that is a BAD THING! (Somehow all caps still doesn’t seem strong enough.) So if he’s seeing her looking (in his mind) like a teenage boy, he might be struggling. On one hand, he’s still attracted to her because she is still his wife. On the other hand, part of his brain is screaming “TEENAGE BOY! Do NOT feel any attraction towards this person!”

    I think a calm conversation is definitely called for. Let him vent his feelings about the new hairdo without judging him. See if you can find a compromise. Perhaps a slightly different hairstyle would allow for your desire to go natural with your hair while also reducing the “teenage boy look” in his mind.

  7. ViHo

    November 4, 2011 at 9:14 am

    geez!!! that’s a rough one!!!! i think that you hit the nail on the head, rene.

    LLLA, did you discuss cutting off all your hair with your husband before you did it? if not, the shock alone would cause a drastic reaction from him. i’m not justifying wanting to divorce you b/c of this. that is really extreme!!! however, i am saying that when you’re married your spouse has a say in what you do to your physical appearance. that’s a two way street. if you made this drastic decision without discussing it with him first, that’s not fair to him. his reaction, though extreme, should be expected. if one of the things that attracted him to you was your beautiful long locs, i’m sure that when you came home with ALL of your hair gone he was probably floored(justifiably so)!

    ok, that being said. i think your husband is an asshole for EVEN suggesting divorce just b/c you cut off your hair. i can understand the initial (((SHOCK))) (O_O)…. but D@YUM!!! DIVORCE??? REALLY??? he sounds very shallow and he lacks substance! if he truly loved you for you, cutting off your hair wouldn’t push him to the boundaries of DIVORCE!! …AND not having sex??? yeah, there’s definitely other underlying issues here. I LOVE hair. i love kinky fros, long flowing locs, short sexy locs, curly natural long flowing hair, sexy low cut hair, etc… I LOVE my locs. but, if i say i love you, i’m not gonna divorce you just b/c u changed your hairstyle. hair can ALWAYS grow back. apparently your husband’s love can’t. if he loved your locs that much, put him where you put them and release yourself of 2 heavy burdens.


  8. ViHo

    November 4, 2011 at 9:20 am

    i can think of plenty of REAL reasons that are grounds for divorce. THIS certainly isn’t one of them!! still shaking my head at this one.
    **thinking, there MUST be another reason that wasn’t stated.***

  9. Smarty P. Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 10:04 am

    My brother and I had this conversation about his wife who often wears wigs and who ties up her hair at night to go to bed. He insists that he wants to keep what he married.

    He then shared that men get married to the woman they love thinking the thinking, hoping really, that she won’t change. It’s crazy because I, and my friends, thought that the purpose of marriage was to grow and change with your spouse. Weird.

    Add to that the love/hate relationship that black women have always and will always have with their hair. They don’t care about the process just the end result. As a person who often hears a lot of these arguments whenever my friends decide to cut, color or otherwise change their hair, this is something they probably need to seek counseling for if they intend on saving the relationship. Sounds crazy but some of this stuff runs deep.

    She may have shattered the trust he had for her when she cut her hair, especially if they didn’t discuss it.

    I went through this with my ex- when I lost my first 30 pounds. Men are crazy. LoL!

  10. Sandy Seale

    November 4, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I agree with all the above. The heart of marriage is unconditional love, vows that say for better or worse, sickness/health, etc. I wonder what would happen if you had cancer, etc. & lost your hair?? Hopefully, he wouldn’t be so superficial then. All that being said men (most anyway) equate sexuality with long hair. However, true love excepts changes & thats what happens in a marriage. We grow as we go along; change is inevitable; sometimes good, sometimes not so much. But that occurs with both people. Like you said he has gained some weight; some men bald, they snore, any number of things that change in both sexes over the years. It is important that we listen & care what the other feels; but its also equally important that we care about whats important to the other whether it be changing hair, jobs, interests, etc. Kids change the relationship. All these things are the reason a good marriage needs good communication so that we can get these changes & feelings out in the open & recognize them & the way it effects the relationship. I’m thinking in this case if he’s talking divorce that this may only be the tip of the iceberg & he’s just fixating on this one aspect or using it for the excuse. I can’t imagine anyone who loves someone being so shallow about superficial things. And as was mentioned the fact that he sees you as a boy, well that can be helped like one said above. Maybe try to be a little sexier with makeup, earrings, clothes or just your actions so he still sees you’re the same sexy person. I know it shouldn’t be your job to lead him but we should always try to continue to be the best person (both parties) we can for those at home as we have in the past or would do for the rest of the world. But true love is also excepting us with all our warts. A good heart-to-heart is called for here & get to the root of his real feelings which I’m feeling go deeper than the hair.

  11. YoLee

    November 4, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Wow, I’m speechless. Um I did the BC a year ago after having a fro for almost 8yrs. I did it for the same reason Loc-less and Loveless in LA did it. I was tired of hair, and I truly wanted to be free from it all. My husband didn’t care for it at first, but he grew to like it just like he grew to like my natural fro. He knows I like to be different, and in turn, he likes that I don’t follow people, or feel that I have to wear weave or a wig to feel sexy. I’m not shocked however, a lot of men and women for that matter have been brain washed in to thinking that a women can’t wear a short do or a TWA. He should be happy that she doesn’t have to worry about her hair, when they make love, or that he can drive with the windows down, or that she can do things she felt she couldn’t do because her hair was so long and heavy. He need’s to get off his high horse.. As matter of fact I would love to talk to the both of them for my documentary that I’m doing. Wow…

  12. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Wow, good thing you didn’t lose your hair to chemo.

    I’m agreeing with almost all that’s been said here, so I’ll try not to repeat anything.

    Because you were wearing locks to begin with that suggest you and your husband presented an identity that made certain social/political/cultural statements.

    Losing your locks to him may represent more than just a change of hair style. It could be lack of a statement.

    Although, to me, your willingness to sport a short fro also makes that same kind of statement, he just may not recognize it as doing so. That and your doing it without his input rendered him powerless. His ego is bruised.

    The brother to me sounds like a dimwit, not the brightest bulb in the lamp. So a little manipulation on your part may be acceptable.

    Granted, you should have started earlier by including him in the process from decision to execution. But it’s too late for that. You have some catching up to do.

    Renee is right. We men are visually stimulated. Our brains are just turned on by what we see. You should drop visuals, (pics, magazines and other images) of sexy women with short hairdos for him to see. Halle Barry, Amber Rose and others. Ask him what he thinks. Surely they don’t look like teenage boys.

    Also, dimwit men, like old dogs, can be taught new tricks. Seduce him. I mean really, really lay it on him. Give dude some of the best loving he has ever had. You have to be consistent here. Do this at least eight times, bringing him to full arousal and orgasm.

    Soon his bad addled brain will associate your new look with pleasurable positive stimuli and he’ll be the better for it.

    You married this bum. Sometimes saving a marriage requires some heavy lifting.

    While you’re at it, enjoy yourself too.

  13. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

    First, let me put your fears to rest; this doofus isn’t going anywhere.

    “I’m going to divorce you for this” is the adult male equivalent of “I’m gonna run away from home because you’re mean!” LOL

    If this guy was your two-year-old son instead of your “grown-up” husband, you would have easily recognized this as a temper tantrum. He liked your hair. You took it away without asking and you can’t give it back. His saying you look like a boy and that he’s no longer attracted to you is his way of trying to hurt your feelings because you hurt his.

    It’s called pouting.

    BUT, just like with a kid, if you tell him, “I don’t care how you feel”, you’ll force his hand and he may do something drastic that you’ll both regret later.

    You really should have talked to him first. Cutting off your hair is a drastic change and:
    MAN RULE#1=Men hate change.

    For a woman, this is re-invention, for a man it’s a deviation from normal; big difference.

    Pretty simple fix though. This guy needs two things.

    1.He needs to see how TERRIBLY upset you are that he might leave. Fake it if you have to, throw in a tear or two if necessary, and tell him you’re sorry you did this without talking to him and ask how you can fix it. (It may sound childish, but you’re dealing with a guy who threw a tantrum and threatened to run away, so it fits the bill.)
    2.He needs you to give in and give him some control. Tell him you’ll let it grow back. Ask him what you can do in the mean time until it does. Buy a wig (even though it kind of defeats your purpose) and see how he reacts. He may say that it’s not the same, but as everyone above has already said, don’t underestimate the visual effect on men (fake breasts, fakes butts, fake hair, still the same real results! LOL).

    He’ll pout for awhile, but in the end, he still loves you and still wants to be with you. He just wants to have some say-so. We men are a fickle bunch!

  14. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Will, my good friend, ace, boi, broski:

    Promise to grow it back? Wear a wig?


    Isn’t that kind of self defeating. Should she not be comfortable just so he can be content?

    I’m not attacking your opinion here.

    I’m just asking.

    Your answer could very well be yes.

  15. Auntie Lisa

    November 4, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Agree that his threatening divorce is out of bounds.

    To go forward from here, I would suggest you ask yourself if there is anything you can do (aside from growing the hair back) that would counteract the looking like a “teenage boy”. Maybe if you just made sure to always have on a little lip color, earrings and dress yourself with some feminine touches, it would go a long way to meeting him halfway. Show off your legs, your shoulders or whatever body part will remind him you are 100% female! (i.e., if you go around in sweats and no makeup or jewelry with very short hair, of course you’ll look like a teenage boy!) I’ve always noticed that women with short hair look great if they do these things. (One of the reasons I’ve never wanted to have short hair! The hair may be less work, but everything else is MORE.)

  16. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 12:49 pm


    As the song hays, Bruh, “It’s all in the game.”

    It’s not the fact that she’ll grow the hair back or wear the wig; it’s the idea that she’s willing to try and do something to make him feel better. It amounts to the same thing as kissing a child’s scraped elbow. it doesn’t take away the pain, but it makes the child feel better knowing that someone knows they’re hurting and wants to do something to make it better.

    In a marriage, you learn that you don’t put winning an agrument ahead of staying together. You learn that you don’t put yourself above your spouse or put your spouse above you; you’re put your marriage first, before both of you. It’s not man against wife; it’s man and wife against problem.

    He’s uncomfortable with her surprize hair cut, she’s uncomfortable with the thought of him leaving. Her trying to sex him back into comfort may backfire if he tells her that he doesn’t want to touch her and doesn’t find her attractive . She’ll feal silly for trying, her feeling will be hurt, and then she’ll be as mad at him as he is at her. That’s a dangerous road.

    She needs to the bruised ego that she caused, and sex won’t fix that. Sex will more than likely make him feel like he’s giving in, which he won’t want to do while he’s still pouting.

    When guys screw up, we know it’s time to kiss a little butt and play nice-nice to get out of the dog house. No man likes to do it, but almost every man is pretty good at it!

    We put on the sad face, we apologize, and we ask what we can do to make it better. We buy gifts that our wives don’t really want or need, but they understand WHY we buy them. Her buying a wig will amount to the same as a man buying roses… in a month, both the wig and the roses would be in the garbage and long forgotten, but the effort will have made a difference. Soon after, things will be back to normal, or at least new normal.

  17. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Sorry about spelling. Damn phone!

  18. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 1:55 pm


    Dang, you typed all of that using a phone. Impressive.

    I disagree with you on the sex thing. It’s not that simple.

    It’s Classical Conditioning, man. Pavlov’s dog from Psych 101.

    Once his reward has been firmly established his brain will take him back to the source over and over again. Without his thinking about it.

    That’s how to train a four legged and a two legged dog.

    Don’t simply look at it as her sexing him. Think higher. It’s how the brain works, from alcoholism and candy to beauty and love. We are hardwired to from certain stimuli to seek pleasurable rewards and avoid unpleasant punishment.

    Yes, it about as manipulative as Hitler’s SS, but not as dishonest as promising to wear a wig, or growing the hair back and intentionally not doing it. That’s deceit . It should not take deceit to maintain a marriage.

    Now, to your point, I agree, for marriage and love to work there should be sacrifice.

  19. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm


    If you follow Pavlov’s dog past psych 101, you’ll find that the simple reward conditioning and response that caused the drool reflex changed quite a bit when pleasure conditioning was mixed with pain conditioning. And, in this situation, while she is trying to use pleasure-reward to condition the dog, the dog is using negative reinforcement to re-condition her.

    My point is, to even get to the point where he lets her firmly establish sex as his reward, she’ll have to get past the here and now. How is the problem of him not wanted to have sex with her going to be solved by her offering him more sex? He’s intentionally not having sex with her to drive home the point that he is unhappy with what she has done to her appearance and to imply that because of it, he now finds her less desirable. This has far more to do with his unhappiness, lack of control, and bruised ego than it does her missing hair.

    If the reward he was after was sex, they’d be having MORE sex, not less. The reward he is after authority. She took something from him without asking (not the hair; his participation in the choice to do away with it.) She has taken, he now want her to understand that she was wrong and to give back. As I said, it’s how men climb out of the dog house every day.

    And I didn’t say promise to wear a wig; I said to wear one and see how he reacts. This is not deceit; it’s simply showing effort. He may totally dismiss the idea, but it at least gives him the choice to do so. If gives him a way to give in without giving in, so to speak. And when I said promise to grow it back, it was not with an intention of not doing so. It is a situation that they should honesty discuss. Chances are, just her offer to grow it back will be enough to let him feel as if he was part of the decision for her to cut it, but if her not having any hair actually does make him that uncomfortable, she may want to seriously consider growing it back, just as if the 25 pounds he gained is a deal breaker for her, he should seriously consider losing it. For her to decide that the short hair style is more important than her marriage is just as foolish as him deciding it.

    They need a compromise. In marriage, we must all make concessions.

  20. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Will, I don’t think most of the women reading this would ever say she should either grow her hair back for him, or start wearing a wig.

    I’m just saying.

    If put in that situation I wouldn’t do either.

    I may change my appearance to catch a love. But, I would never change my appearance to keep one.

    If they are going to leave you based on how you look, then they are going to leave anyway. Wearing a wig sounds awfully pathetic to me. And growing her hair back to keep him sounds weak.

    But, again, you’re the married guy. I’m not.

  21. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Oh, and…

    …I like how we take these women’s problems that they write to Renee for advice and turn them into arguments between the stable married man and the self avowed single and loving it guy.

  22. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm


    I couldn’t disagree more. Strong beautiful women wear wigs every day for a hundred different reasons, and I doubt any women would agree that a single one of those reasons is pathetic. Sometimes a wig is easier, sometimes it’s sassier, somtimes it’s how she feels or wants to feel on a particular day, sometimes it’s becasue she’s struggling with an illiness and needs strength or needs to show a strong face to those around her… and sometimes it’s becasue she wants to look pretty for someone who likes long hair.

    And as far as her sounding weak; any spouse or parent worth their salt will tell you, strength is not measure by how firm you stand but in how far you bend before you break.

    Married men and women change CONSTANTLY for each other. He starts working out, she starts wearing more dresses. He starts wearing that new cologne she liked, she tries those Spanks to see if he notices. He starts coloring his beard, she starts coloring her hair.

    It’s not done to say “I’m scared you’ll leave me” it’s done to say “I love you enough to want to look better to you and be better for you”. I use to LOVE to shave my head, but my wife LOVES my hair. If I shaved my head, she wouldn’t leave, but she also couldn’t play in it and get all turned on!!! LOL

    If this women chooses to grow her hair back, she wouldn’t be growing her hair back for him; she’d be growing it back for THEM. Big difference. If he loses weight, it’s not for her, it’s for them, for their marriage, for their happiness. If her hair is a bigger deal to her than her marriage or if she feels she has to “win” this one, then so be it… but who wins if they end up spending more time fighting then loving… over a haircut?

  23. Will Jones

    November 4, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Yeah… We do tend to carry on, don’t we? 😀

  24. June Poole

    November 4, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Been there! When my stepson asked my husband, Dad why’d you let June cut off all her hair. Hubby’s response was that’s her hair and I don’t have to wait for her forever in the beauty shop! Long hair, short hair, in my case practically no hair, does not make you any more or less of a woman.

  25. Cody Williams

    November 4, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Will, dude, I really want to drop this, but I can’t leave with you misreading and misrepresenting my words. I never said that any woman who wears a wig is pathetic. Far from that. I said in this situation to go out and buy and wear a wig just to keep a man is pathetic. I can’t believe you found anything other than that in what I wrote.
    And I never said couples shouldn’t change for each other. That’s done all of the time. What I wrote was that a person shouldn’t change in a effort to keep someone. There’s a big difference.

    I’m done. I’m sorry for hijacking LLLA’s discussion.

  26. Camila

    November 4, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    This especially hits close to home for me. I went natural just over 2 years ago and I have encountered much negativity, from my own people nonetheless, that was most hurtful. I expected negativity from non Blacks/non Afro descent ppl, but when ppl just like u who have the same curly hair. Man idk, it just gets to me.
    I went through a period where my father told me he loved me but only if I would change that hair. He openly would tell me how that’s just the way he was raised to believe long and straight was beautiful. When I first cut my hair (a short bob w/all relaxed hair still) he freaked out and told me that it took ALL MY LIFE to grow it to that point and it would never grow back the same (it’s 2 years later and it’s past that short bob that reached just by my chin, now it’s just past my collarbone). I’ve had a couple men be worried about how it would look, I had to consult my brother fiancee (now wife) because I was to be in her wedding, and didnt want to embarrass her or ruin her day. I ended up putting flat twists in the front, with a curly/wavy ponytail extension in the back.
    I know when you get married you are supposed to change and grow with each other. But I also agree with what everyone is saying, I realize the initial shock. I do it too when ppl cut their hair so drastically. My uncle (my aunts second husband) I always knew him with locs, and when he cut them, he didnt seem like the same man anymore. That was not my uncle bryan. But you get used to it. I think you should give him time like everyone said. And yea, where big earrings and show off ur womanly assets, remind him how much of a woman u are. On that note though, I also agree with Victor, there has GOT to be some underlying issues, like he looks at ur head and ignores the breasts and female genitalia that used to drive him wild? I understand the shock and dislike that can happen, but to go far as DIVORCE? That’s a little ridiculous for HAIR.
    And I agree with you Cody Williams, you shouldn’t change just to keep someone unless it’s changing for the better, like u finally decide to change and get over ur fear of commitment or something like that, yes it’s fine. but changing something about who you are (and yes I know it’s like superficial to some but for me, my being natural is very much part of who I am, and no I’m not a hippie lol) But it runs that deep, I’m not going to wear a weave, wig, extensions, or straighten my hair for a man. Not even when hell burns out

  27. Camila

    November 4, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Also I want to share two vids with kind of opposing views,
    The same thing happened with Jay in The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl

    But here’s another video I immediately thought of when reading comments about marriage and the “bait and switch” it’s Cater 2 u by Destiny’s Child there’s that line “I remain the same chick you fell in love with, I keep it tight, I keep my figure right, I’ll keep my hair fixed rockin the hottest outfit”
    As everyone else said I think the catering and sharing should go both ways.

  28. Camila

    November 5, 2011 at 12:32 am

    I should also add that part of the difficulty is girls raised to catch a man and once they do, they dont have to be the “bait” anymore…but although we dont have to get hung up on superficial things, it IS nice to still keep up and reinvent the initial spark from the beginning, ESPECIALLY with being romantic and being sexy, I know some men that are like oh, dating that’s when we were getting to know each other, now it’s no more romance cuz we’re married? And then some ppl fall apart when yes there were things attached to those appearances, like a nice fit body was the guy I was into becuz he was into being healthy n fit and we would do physical activities together like jogging, hiking, rollerskating/blading whatever and then it changes..sometimes change is shocking…and personally I talked to a LOT of people about when I was going natural, it is ultimately my decision but because it was such a big one, I asked questions, I vented about it because it was on my mind.

  29. Cody Williams

    November 5, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Camilia I hear exactly what you are saying.

    To tell you the truth I never felt I had any say in how my woman wore her hair. She did it and if I liked it I would say so. And if I didn’t I would say so. If she cared how I felt she would change it.

    I’ve never consulted a spouse about how I should ware my hair. If it got out of hand she would tell me and I got it hooked up.

    This guy has created drama where there does not need to be.

    On the other hand. I know of a married couple and the woman went out and had her tubes tied without consulting the husband. They already had two children.

    That marriage didn’t last long after that. I can see why.

    If this guy does not like the way his wife looks there are ways to communicate that other than calling her a boy and threatening divorce.

  30. Cody Williams

    November 5, 2011 at 9:48 am


    Thanks for those links. Two points: I want a woman 2 cater 2 me 2. hahaha.

    I Really learned some things here. Some men will not have sex with a woman with short hair because it makes them feel gay. WTF?

    How much sense does that make?

    Does that mean he can have sex with a guy with long flowing silky locks? LOL.

  31. MrsAshB

    November 5, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    This is crazy, I wrote a response to a post on about the same exact situation:

  32. comadrona

    November 6, 2011 at 5:44 am

    I’m sad to hear that Camila EXPECTS negativity about her natural hair from white folks. I’m white, married to a black man who manufactures and sells products for African hair (such as relaxers). I’ve always felt sad that black women feel compelled to put these harsh chemicals in their hair for a white-style straight look when short, shaved and natural looks really good and sexy on so many women! You have the beautiful brown skin and facial features which makes any style look good and I think if you want to go natural, that’s your god-given right. The other thing, as we women get older, is a diminishing interest in taking hours to primp and preen (like we used to do when we were young) because there’s SO much more to life than that and there’s not enough time! I wish men would recognise our worth in something other than our looks -because, sure as anything, we’re all going to age and our beauty HAS to more than skin deep to make us interesting!

  33. will jones

    November 6, 2011 at 7:35 pm


    I TOTALLY agree with you on the gay thing. WTH is that about? Like i said, I think this dude’s problem was not being part of the decision process, and while the decision was of course ulimately hers, I do think she should have talked with him before she shocked him with it.
    But that’s just my opinion.

    My wife has always worn her hair short, and has been natural for about a year now, and she’s the sexiest woman in the world but i Like to think if she was going to do something drastic, she’d at least say something to me about it.

    … And I’ve already been informed that shaving off my beard and moustache is a deal breaker, and if I shave my head I might as well hire a lawyer!

  34. SuperUltraJulie

    February 4, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Rene’s perspective is interesting considering that when a woman asked the good enough man what she should do about NOT being attracted to he BALDING boyfriend, she was told to stop being so shallow.

  35. Rene Syler

    February 5, 2012 at 4:11 am

    @SuperUltraJulie: I don’t see the connection? Are they not both being shallow?

  36. Nisey

    March 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

    My husband is the only one who hates my hair. I have been natural for well over a year but I straightened it. Now that I stopped, he looks at me like I’m no longer attractive. Just the face, not the body. I want him to want the whole package and it saddens me. I think it’s the shock. I tried to warn him. My every day is for him and our son. I had to do something for me and now I feel like I’m being punished for it.

  37. Mrs. P

    March 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Wow. What in the world is wrong with people! What would happen if you had to lose your hair through an illness, God forbid. Would the husband leave then, also? I wear my hair natural and my husband told me to my face that he hates, HATES my hair. I have a 3c curly afro at this time. Yet he is lying there in bed, sick and disabled and I have to take care of him; Whatever, I’m going to please myself.

  38. Erin Moriarty

    October 27, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I think you look amazing!

  39. Sandy

    January 13, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    I can understand a personal preference. I can understand someone not “liking” something. But the threat to divorce, I do not understand.
    It takes time to get adjusted to new things. But I do believe that someone who looks “deeper” would see that “beauty is only skin deep” and that we are “not our hair” nor we are not our body. There is this level called the soul. And it is time to have a soul to soul talk and put everything on the table. There is more going on here.

  40. chloespoodle

    April 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    this dude is looking for excuses, if he wants to leave, drop kick him to the shallow curb he comes from. Better luck next time

  41. Christina

    July 9, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Yes he obviously doesn’t like the way it looks, but I think he is mad because she didn’t consult with him before she did it. What she should have did was nag about how much she hated her hair and how much maintenance it takes, coupled with a few last minute cancellation of plans, “because her hair was just so awful”…keep that routine for a couple months maybe less, and he would have begged her to cut it off, if only to shut her up. It worked for me…I even missed church a couple times during the charades!

  42. Pingback: Hair Despair? 8 Tips To Help Your Hair G-R-O-W!

  43. Cletus

    December 17, 2015 at 4:36 am

    Christina you had to do all that just so your husband would be ok with cutting your hair? Wow. Manipulation galore. Too much work. I just said to my husband one day, “I’m going to cut my hair”. That’s it. No permission needed. And then I did it. If he wants to leave because of that I’d gladly show him the door. Life is too short.

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More in Ask Rene

Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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