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Ask Rene: Could My Husband Be Cheating?

Dear Rene:

I’ve been married for five years to a hard-working man. But recently his behavior has got worse. Mike’s been going out with mates every week and coming home late at night or very early in the morning. He’s even said things like he was going to check on his car in the middle of the night then leaves, not coming home until three in the morning. When I call Mike, he never answers his mobile phones (he has two), if he does he makes excuses like, his car broke down or he lost his phone.

And our sex life, oh boy. He won’t make love to me for months and I’ve even tried tempting him with sexy lingerie. Instead, he watches porn on his laptop (he hides it but I caught him). But that’s not all he’s lied about; a friend spilled the beans a few weeks ago, telling me Mike wasn’t where he said he was and to make matters worse, last year he gave me a sexually transmitted disease then pretended like it didn’t happen. I feel like picking up our children and leaving him. I feel like I can’t trust him.

 Please help.

 Desperate Down Under


Dear DDU:

Listen to me. The question really is not whether your husband, the hard working man, is having an affair; based on what you’ve written to me, it’s pretty obvious and I think you know it too. The real question is what are you going to do about it? You got some stuff to sort out and you’d better do it STAT! Here’s how I see it.

YES, MIKE IS CHEATING: Sweet, baby Jesus, the man gave you an STD. STD! That’s short for Sexually Transmitted Disease, which means he got it in the transmission of a sex act. How much more evidence do you need as proof of his lack of fidelity? Why didn’t you confront him then? The fact that you didn’t and that he never addressed it means, there’s a serious communication problem in your relationship and that’s a bad place from which to grow a relationship. And don’t even get me started on the fact that he put you at risk. That speaks volumes about what he thinks of you. And your kids.

HIS “DISAPPEARING ACTS” SAY IT ALL: I remember years ago, my mother telling me nothing good happens on the streets after midnight. Now obviously that was a generalization, meant to scare a college age kid into abiding by a reasonable curfew. But I do believe there’s some truth to it. What on earth could your husband possibly be doing from eight in the evening until 3 in the morning? I’m pretty sure he’s not at Home Depot pricing out weed-whackers. There’s some hot, stinky mess goin’ on. You need to ask him about that as well, but if you can’t ask him how he ended up with a sexually transmitted disease that he passed on to you, how can you talk about issues like this? You have a right to ask questions of your partner and he has a responsibility to answer them.

WHY.ARE.YOU.STILL.THERE? Oohh, honey, this is where you gotta step up. Why in the hell would you still be in a relationship where a) your man is not interested in having sex with you b) he keeps mysterious hours and c) he gave you “the clap”? You can’t even say the sex is that great because it’s not happening. So what gives? Are you financially unable to be on your own? Then find a friend or family to help out (yes, I know that’s no small feat). Are you worried about being a single mom? There are plenty of those and though not easy, people do it all the time. Is your self-esteem so low that you think this is the best you deserve? Snap out of it; nothing could be further from the truth. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.

Now, you have some tough choices ahead of you. I think it’s pretty clear your husband is playing around so you have to decide what’s next so if I were you, I’d start planning my escape. Talk to friends, family, a counselor, a woman’s shelter, a legal aide group and gather as much information as you can. Get all your ducks in a row then get the hell out of there. Consider yourself lucky if the STD he gave you could be cleared with a strong antibiotic. But take it from Good Enough Mother, don’t stick around for the next infection.

Good luck mommy!

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  1. Christian Iles

    November 2, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Oh my goodness! I hope that this lady understands that her husband is probably a sex addict and having unprotected sex with strangers. She needs to drop the mallet down and tell him to come straight with her. They may be able to get outside help to save their marriage. But from what I read in her letter, he does not value the health and livelihood with his wife nor his family. She may also want to confront him whether he has a drug problem. Take care, ~ The Beauty Architect

  2. David Freeman

    November 2, 2011 at 8:36 am

    How you can deduce sex addict and drug addict from this is amazing. but I certainly see evidence that he’s cheating and that the marriage lacks communication on virtually any level. An STD would not mean “things go on as usual” in my home. I’d be out in the car to sleep, and rightly so. Not only do you need to get out /get him out and hire a barrister if you can afford one and start getting this all down on paper, but you need to then get some counseling to understand why you think so little of yourself AFTER you take care of the first two things.
    Rene is right. Nobody deserves to be treated with such disrespect, nor to treat themselves with such disrespect. The only “Car” he checking is “under her hood”.

  3. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    November 2, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Sound like she’s not the only one he’s “Down Under” ~ Don’t walk. Run.

  4. Nana

    November 2, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Wow. Junior leaves in the middle of the night but he’s not cheating? You’re sleeping single in a double bed and he’s not cheating? You’re suffering from something you can’t get by yourself and you’ve been by yourself but he’s not cheating? He doesn’t have to cheat. You’re giving him permission by blinding yourself to the signs this loser needs to pick up his belongings off the lawn when he comes home after one of his late night jaunts. And you’re willing to catch something from this fool and endanger your children’s future with their mother? Pull up your big girl pants and run from this fool…

  5. Cody Williams

    November 2, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Get out. I usually go above and beyond to see the guy’s point of view. But this dude is a loser. And you should lose him.

    This marriage is only 5 years old and he’s doing this stuff? Don’t sound like much of a foundation.

    My sense is, just because you’re writing this note, that you are a sweet and trusting person. You didn’t expect anything like this. And he has taken advantage of your innocence.

    If you don’t have the money to leave, get a lawyer. Get him out of the house and make him support you.

    And I’m going to throw this out there: Because dude has little sexual interest in you, there is the possibility he has little sexual interest in women. His affairs could be with other men. (or sheep, or goats) Which exposes you and your family to entirely different issues.

    We don’t know.

    My guess is even if you asked him for the truth, any truth, he’s so used to cheating and hiding that he couldn’t be honest with you.

    Just thought I throw some things out there. Rene is 100% on this one.


  6. TechyDad

    November 3, 2011 at 11:38 am

    If this marriage can be saved (and that’s a big if), there are years of counseling ahead and it’ll need to involve a serious effort by him. Something tells me he’s not up to that sort of commitment, though. Therefore, I’d echo everyone else’s thoughts: Leave. Now!

    Actually, my first reaction would be “don’t leave… kick HIM out!” Of course, that could get messy. He could refuse to leave, get violent and you could be forced to flee when not prepared (or worse). So get a suitcase, toss in some clothes, valuables, etc. Pack similar bags for your kids and go to a friend/family member’s house. Then, contact a divorce attorney ASAP. He/she will know better than I what you should do next.

  7. Pingback: Here’s Why Men Cheat Their Girlfriend/Wife | Crazzy Dazzy

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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