Ask Rene: Could My Husband Be Cheating?

Dear Rene:

I’ve been married for five years to a hard-working man. But recently his behavior has got worse. Mike’s been going out with mates every week and coming home late at night or very early in the morning. He’s even said things like he was going to check on his car in the middle of the night then leaves, not coming home until three in the morning. When I call Mike, he never answers his mobile phones (he has two), if he does he makes excuses like, his car broke down or he lost his phone.

And our sex life, oh boy. He won’t make love to me for months and I’ve even tried tempting him with sexy lingerie. Instead, he watches porn on his laptop (he hides it but I caught him). But that’s not all he’s lied about; a friend spilled the beans a few weeks ago, telling me Mike wasn’t where he said he was and to make matters worse, last year he gave me a sexually transmitted disease then pretended like it didn’t happen. I feel like picking up our children and leaving him. I feel like I can’t trust him.

 Please help.

 Desperate Down Under

 

Dear DDU:

Listen to me. The question really is not whether your husband, the hard working man, is having an affair; based on what you’ve written to me, it’s pretty obvious and I think you know it too. The real question is what are you going to do about it? You got some stuff to sort out and you’d better do it STAT! Here’s how I see it.

YES, MIKE IS CHEATING: Sweet, baby Jesus, the man gave you an STD. STD! That’s short for Sexually Transmitted Disease, which means he got it in the transmission of a sex act. How much more evidence do you need as proof of his lack of fidelity? Why didn’t you confront him then? The fact that you didn’t and that he never addressed it means, there’s a serious communication problem in your relationship and that’s a bad place from which to grow a relationship. And don’t even get me started on the fact that he put you at risk. That speaks volumes about what he thinks of you. And your kids.

HIS “DISAPPEARING ACTS” SAY IT ALL: I remember years ago, my mother telling me nothing good happens on the streets after midnight. Now obviously that was a generalization, meant to scare a college age kid into abiding by a reasonable curfew. But I do believe there’s some truth to it. What on earth could your husband possibly be doing from eight in the evening until 3 in the morning? I’m pretty sure he’s not at Home Depot pricing out weed-whackers. There’s some hot, stinky mess goin’ on. You need to ask him about that as well, but if you can’t ask him how he ended up with a sexually transmitted disease that he passed on to you, how can you talk about issues like this? You have a right to ask questions of your partner and he has a responsibility to answer them.

WHY.ARE.YOU.STILL.THERE? Oohh, honey, this is where you gotta step up. Why in the hell would you still be in a relationship where a) your man is not interested in having sex with you b) he keeps mysterious hours and c) he gave you “the clap”? You can’t even say the sex is that great because it’s not happening. So what gives? Are you financially unable to be on your own? Then find a friend or family to help out (yes, I know that’s no small feat). Are you worried about being a single mom? There are plenty of those and though not easy, people do it all the time. Is your self-esteem so low that you think this is the best you deserve? Snap out of it; nothing could be further from the truth. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.

Now, you have some tough choices ahead of you. I think it’s pretty clear your husband is playing around so you have to decide what’s next so if I were you, I’d start planning my escape. Talk to friends, family, a counselor, a woman’s shelter, a legal aide group and gather as much information as you can. Get all your ducks in a row then get the hell out of there. Consider yourself lucky if the STD he gave you could be cleared with a strong antibiotic. But take it from Good Enough Mother, don’t stick around for the next infection.

Good luck mommy!

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