Ask The Good Enough Guy:
I Want A Baby, He Doesn’t!
I do hope you’ll take a stab at this question because I really need answers. I have been dating Martin for about a year and a half and everything is just about perfect. Just about.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of becoming a mother. Every time a new doll hit the market, I was first in line. When I was old enough I started my own babysitting business because I loved to be around kids so much and in college I majored in Early Childhood Education because, you guessed it, I love being around kids. So here’s the problem.
Martin has one child from a previous relationship and is adamant about not having any more. In fact, he maintains his relationship with his ex went downhill after their son was born.
So my question to you Will is, can this relationship work? Will I be able to convince Martin to have another child or will I just have to forego my dream of motherhood?
Aching for a kid….
If you’ve read my answers before, you know that I’m a guy who snatches the Band-aid off in one quick motion so you may want to grit your teeth and brace yourself. These questions are hard for me to answer because even being right, feels wrong. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but, even if there was a way to make this relationship work, there’s no way to make it work well. Here’s why:
WHY MARTIN’S THE WRONG MAN FOR YOU: Our dreams are just that: OUR dreams. Your dream of being a mom, my wife’s dream of opening a bakery, my dream of ten minutes of peace and quiet, these dreams belong to us to do with as we please. Now, it’s completely OK if we decide to put them on hold for something more important, but Lord help anyone who makes us put them off. Having a baby is something you’ve wanted since you were one. If you pick this relationship over your dream, you’ll eventually blame Martin. Maybe not this year or the next but “Til death do us part” is a mighty long time.
WHY YOU’RE THE WRONG WOMAN FOR MARTIN: You want to be a mom, or at least you think you do. You don’t know it yet, but being a parent is tough. Things will come up that no amount of planning or schooling can prepare you for. But you’ll fight your way through because, in the end, it’s what you’ve always wanted. On the other hand, Martin has been there, done that and doesn’t want any part of doing it again; there’s nothing wrong with that. Being a dad to more than one child isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t make him a bad person or any less of a man. It’s just not who he is and I think he’s trying to tell you that. Now if you beg and cry and back Martin into a corner, he may eventually give in and go halves on a baby with you, but when being a parent gets tough (and it will) Martin will probably:
* Resent you for forcing him to have another child
* Blame your child for messing up his relationship (which he did with his other child)
* Leave you to raise a child alone (which he did to his ex)
* All of the above.
If/when any of these things happen, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself, because asking Martin to be something that he’s not is just as wrong as Martin asking you not to be who you are (if you didn’t catch that last sentence, keep re-reading it until you get it because it’s my whole answer in a nutshell).
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO NOW: That depends on whether you are woman who snatches off the Band-aid in one quick motion. Either way, it’s going to hurt but why make the pain last any longer than it needs to? If you end it on good terms and you both act like grown-ups about the whole thing, you can still be good friends. If that hurts too much or if it keeps you from healing, then it’s better for both of you to get out of each others’ way, at least for a while.
This is a hard one to answer because either way, you lose something. Martin’s probably a great guy; he’s just not the RIGHT great guy. But I have to believe that there’s a soon-to-be dad out there, looking for a really great, soon-to-be mom, like you. I hope you believe that too.
William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.