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Ask The Good Enough Guy: I Can’t Stand My Best Friend’s Fiancée!


Dear Will,

My best friend has asked me to be maid of honor at her wedding – but I can’t stand her fiancée, Rob.

Rachel knows I’m not a fan of her husband to be, but we’ve known each other for years and I think she thinks that by including me as part of her wedding we’ll grow to like each other.

I just think Rachel can do better. I find Rob sarcastic and smug – and that goes for his friends to.

I feel like my friend is being taken away from me – but don’t know what to do!

Advice please!

Toni, Santa Cruz

Hey Toni,

Rob sounds like a real peach. Sarcastic… Smug… And his friends are probably jerks too. I don’t even understand why you’re marrying this guy.

Oh, that’s right: you aren’t. You’re best friend is.

…And the reason you feel like you’re friend is being taken away is because she is being taken away. At least the Rachel you’re used to is. Marriage changes things, and it especially changes the dynamics of the new bride’s (and groom’s) other relationships. That’s part of that “forsaking all others” part that the reverend reads. At the risk of going all Sigmund Freud on you, I think at least a small part of your problem is that you’re mad at Rob because you think you’re about to get “forsaked” and you’d rather blame him than your BFF. But in the long run, why you don’t like Rob doesn’t really matter, does it? Here’s what I think:

What are your options? So Rob’s not the guy you’d choose. Well, that works out great because he didn’t choose you either. The big question is who will Toni choose? Right now, by acting the way you are, you’re giving her an ultimatum: either marry Rob and lose Rachel, or dump him and keep Rachel. And let’s face it: best friend against fiancé? Even Mr. Magoo can see how that one turns out. You’re a close friend, but you two aren’t waking up in each other’s arms, or this would be a completely different letter. She may love you, but she LOVES him. So, is Rob so bad that you’ll loose you best friend to avoid being around him? I sure hope not.

Support your home team. I’m a Baltimore Ravens fan, and I’m betting that’s not going to be a fun thing this season. They’ve made a bunch of choices I don’t agree with and if I was running things down there…well. But I’m not. I’m just a fan and it’s my job to support them. Same goes for you. You’re best friend probably needs more support right now than she’s ever needed. She’s scared, unsure, and lonely because her best friend hates her fiancé. Even if you don’t like the new player she just drafted to her team, your job is to support her. That means put your big-girl pants on and suck it up. You’ve claimed to be her best friend all these years: now’s the time to prove it.

For now… If Rob was cheating, being abusive, had hit on you, or any other bullet point on the big list of deal breakers, my advice would be different… but he’s not. You just don’t like him. Toni knows that, so there’s no use in rehashing it and adding to her worries.  It is possible that you could sit down think about it or talk it out with Rob and figure out what the problem is. It’s also possible that after that talk, you’ll decide that the problem is that he’s an ass. So don’t be his maid of honor; be hers. Plan her parties. Pick the perfect flowers for her bouquet. Help with her veil. And on the big day, put on your pink chiffon nightmare with the pirate sleeves, smile at Rob and all of his friends, and mark it down as Toni owing you a big one. Who’s to say that down the road the shoe won’t be on the other foot? How would you want her to act?

In the future…  None of my wife’s family and friends really liked me at the beginning of our relationship, and if being a jerk was a crime, I’d be writing this from jail. I was young, arrogant, cocky, and very rough around the edges (just like most Marines!) Luckily for me, my wife, and our kids, I grew up and I grew on her family. It’s been nearly twenty years and they barely remember back when I was a jerk, although I’m sure I remind them every once in a while. Rob will change, you will change, and if you both love Toni as much as you claim to, you’ll change into two people who learn to get along. Hopefully they’ll have a long and happy marriage, because in the end, isn’t that what you really want for your best friend?

I hope all goes well, I hope you catch the bouquet, and give my best wishes to the bride and groom.

Good luck

Will

 Will Jones

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.

5 Comments

  1. Peppercorn16

    August 13, 2011 at 10:56 am

    I can understand how you feel about not liking her hubby he’s sounds like a “real caught” Rachel is just one of those women who’s blinded by what others see about her man and whatever you feel and or say about him is going in one ear and out the other. Chances are this Rob guy knows you don’t like him and once their Rob and wife he may REALLY become an( A-hole) she being his wife will side with him over things between you and he and that’s going to drive you even more crazy.
    But maybe just for that one day you can fake smile and get through the wedding. You don’t have to talk to him and if u have to again fake smile and keep it moving. Try not to make a cold comment or a scene 🙂

    Rachel will realize Rob’s a smug/sarcastic… jerk and when she does be there for her

    Good Luck 🙂

  2. Sandy Seale

    August 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Will is right on with his comments. He’s not your choice, but its also not your decision. You say she already knows how you feel but she still asked you to be her maid of honor. So evidently you haven’t forced your thoughts on her to the point of really pissing her off. I recommend you don’t continue or you might just force her to make a choice & I don’t think she’d choose you over the man she obviously loves. If she’s made a poor choice & later realizes that, then she will need her best friend by her side to help her thru. You obviously have done all you can by letting her know that you don’t feel he is right for her…..or good enough. But unless you want to destroy your relationship I suggest you put your feelings aside, try to be as friendly & accepting of him as you can, & pray it all works out in the end. Like Will said, you’re feeling that you are being left behind could partly be influencing your picture of who he is & how he acts….obviously your friend doesn’t feel the same or she is able to see past it to his inner self. Even if her judgement is clouded by “love” & in the future she decides those flaws are deeper than she thought then she will need you to be there for her. Do your duties as maid of honor & honor her choices & make her wedding something for her to remember for years to come…..not a nightmare you created.

  3. m.e. johnson

    August 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Will, again you are right on. If I had a nickel for all my friends’ boyfriends/husbands i didn’t like, I’d have quite a few nickels. I’d tell my friends one time how I felt, then let it go.

    Funny thing, The ones about whom I was right would look in my eyes and know that I knew. Then they would try but never manage to break up the friendship. I’d be nice, he would not, so guess who ended up looking bad, right up til his true colors blossomed forth.

    With some others it was just a personality clash and we wisecracked at each other. It became a sort of game. All because we both cared for girlfriend.

    I’ll say this; If I was getting married and knew Flo didn’t like my intended, I would not ask her to even be in my wedding party, and I’d tell her why.

  4. Saida M Latigue

    August 13, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Have you also considered that because she is marrying a person who you view as ‘sarcastic & smug’, it could be that your friend is probably like her fiance in some instances OR the fiance brings out some traits that you really don’t like about yourself?
    The best thing to do is keep your opinions to yourself, be a friend & be a wonderful maid of honor, nothing else.

  5. Aurora

    August 13, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    I stood right next to my best friend 2 years ago while she married her husband who I have hated since day one! He has done nothing but treat her like $hit the whole time they have been together but he has cheated off and on for the past 7 years. They got married 2 years ago August 30th and I will be holding her hand as she goes thru divorce precedings next month! I love her no matter what but some things she just has to figure out for herself. I saw thru him and saw ever horrid aspect of him! But , I could not ruin her day… This was her dream. My best advice is to Stand beside her no matter what and NEVER say I told you so.

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