My best friend has asked me to be maid of honor at her wedding – but I can’t stand her fiancée, Rob.
Rachel knows I’m not a fan of her husband to be, but we’ve known each other for years and I think she thinks that by including me as part of her wedding we’ll grow to like each other.
I just think Rachel can do better. I find Rob sarcastic and smug – and that goes for his friends to.
I feel like my friend is being taken away from me – but don’t know what to do!
Toni, Santa Cruz
Rob sounds like a real peach. Sarcastic… Smug… And his friends are probably jerks too. I don’t even understand why you’re marrying this guy.
Oh, that’s right: you aren’t. You’re best friend is.
…And the reason you feel like you’re friend is being taken away is because she is being taken away. At least the Rachel you’re used to is. Marriage changes things, and it especially changes the dynamics of the new bride’s (and groom’s) other relationships. That’s part of that “forsaking all others” part that the reverend reads. At the risk of going all Sigmund Freud on you, I think at least a small part of your problem is that you’re mad at Rob because you think you’re about to get “forsaked” and you’d rather blame him than your BFF. But in the long run, why you don’t like Rob doesn’t really matter, does it? Here’s what I think:
What are your options? So Rob’s not the guy you’d choose. Well, that works out great because he didn’t choose you either. The big question is who will Toni choose? Right now, by acting the way you are, you’re giving her an ultimatum: either marry Rob and lose Rachel, or dump him and keep Rachel. And let’s face it: best friend against fiancé? Even Mr. Magoo can see how that one turns out. You’re a close friend, but you two aren’t waking up in each other’s arms, or this would be a completely different letter. She may love you, but she LOVES him. So, is Rob so bad that you’ll loose you best friend to avoid being around him? I sure hope not.
Support your home team. I’m a Baltimore Ravens fan, and I’m betting that’s not going to be a fun thing this season. They’ve made a bunch of choices I don’t agree with and if I was running things down there…well. But I’m not. I’m just a fan and it’s my job to support them. Same goes for you. You’re best friend probably needs more support right now than she’s ever needed. She’s scared, unsure, and lonely because her best friend hates her fiancé. Even if you don’t like the new player she just drafted to her team, your job is to support her. That means put your big-girl pants on and suck it up. You’ve claimed to be her best friend all these years: now’s the time to prove it.
For now… If Rob was cheating, being abusive, had hit on you, or any other bullet point on the big list of deal breakers, my advice would be different… but he’s not. You just don’t like him. Toni knows that, so there’s no use in rehashing it and adding to her worries. It is possible that you could sit down think about it or talk it out with Rob and figure out what the problem is. It’s also possible that after that talk, you’ll decide that the problem is that he’s an ass. So don’t be his maid of honor; be hers. Plan her parties. Pick the perfect flowers for her bouquet. Help with her veil. And on the big day, put on your pink chiffon nightmare with the pirate sleeves, smile at Rob and all of his friends, and mark it down as Toni owing you a big one. Who’s to say that down the road the shoe won’t be on the other foot? How would you want her to act?
In the future… None of my wife’s family and friends really liked me at the beginning of our relationship, and if being a jerk was a crime, I’d be writing this from jail. I was young, arrogant, cocky, and very rough around the edges (just like most Marines!) Luckily for me, my wife, and our kids, I grew up and I grew on her family. It’s been nearly twenty years and they barely remember back when I was a jerk, although I’m sure I remind them every once in a while. Rob will change, you will change, and if you both love Toni as much as you claim to, you’ll change into two people who learn to get along. Hopefully they’ll have a long and happy marriage, because in the end, isn’t that what you really want for your best friend?
I hope all goes well, I hope you catch the bouquet, and give my best wishes to the bride and groom.
William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.