I hope you can help me. My boyfriend and I have been together about six months. At first he was a sweet, caring guy who would do anything for me. But things have changed; we’ve broken up several times, but always end up getting back together. He used to respect my wishes, but not so much anymore.
See, he wants to go all the way (he’s far from being a virgin) and I don’t (I am a virgin). When I say no, he gets really mad. Now he’s basing the whole relationship on sex, telling me he’s gonna leave if I don’t do it.
We have a mutual friend who he talks to about our problems. I figured since she knew, I’d confide in her too. But something doesn’t feel right about that and I told him we shouldn’t be talking to others about our issues. Now she won’t return my texts or calls.
A few days ago, my boyfriend told me he doesn’t think we’re compatible anymore and he’s not sure this will work out long-term, something he never used to say. I’m really confused; what’s going on here and what’s the deal with our friend?
Please help Rene, I really love him and want this to work.
Depressed in Detroit
Listen to your Good Enough Mother and these four simple words; Run far, run fast! This is NOT the type of boyfriend you need, either short-term or long; you deserve so much better. Here’s why you need to leave this dude in the dust.
THE FRIEND THING: A hallmark of maturity in relationships is handling issues as they pop up with the person directly involved. Grown-ups don’t talk about their relationship issues (well, at least not in great detail) to other people, unless said people keep office hours and have initials after their names. There’s something about his relationship with this other girl that doesn’t quite pass the smell test. Could it be he’s looking for a soft place to land in the event things don’t work out with you? Maybe there’s already something going on between them. And even if it’s not now, a lot of lonely nights with him crying on her shoulder are bound to change that. This is no good.
THE SEX THING: Um, no, no, NO! No means no. Period. If you’re not ready to have sex (and it’s a BIG step) then you’re not ready. That is nothing to be ashamed of either. He should respect that and not pressure you but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening. Instead, he’s blinded by thoughts of his own gratification and bullying you in the process. That is not someone who would do anything for you; in fact, it sounds like just the opposite. You’ve remained a virgin for this long so ask yourself, is this really the person you want to share such an important step with? Yeah I don’t think so.
THE RESPECT THING: There’s a lot about your letter that bothers me but this might be the most troubling. The fact that he doesn’t respect your wishes not to have sex, and then holds the relationship (and your feelings) hostage is no good! Sex is the physical manifestation of an emotional feeling, a critical building block to a healthy relationship. Someone who begs, pleads, harangues and ultimately threatens is not someone who respects your feelings. The reason this is important is that it will color the rest of your relationship with him. He will learn that all he needs to do to get his way is to wear you down and then walk on you. This is not the beginning of a mutually beneficial relationship.
Listen, you’re young and so far, have only invested six months of your life in this relationship. Leave now and don’t look back. Yes, it will take a little bit of time to get over him (translation: hurt like hell) but trust me, it will be much harder after spending five years together. I’m going to save you a lot of heartache and the money you would spend on a divorce attorney by telling you this story will not have a happy ending. Save yourself and get out now.
Good luck to you!
Do you have a question for Rene? She has an answer. Click here and fire away!