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Ask The Good Enough Guy: Sex Talk – Did I Tell My Friends Too Much?


 women gossip

Hi Will,

My husband, James, is jealous of my friends and thinks we share too much when we get together!

Every week I have a girl’s night out with my friends and after a few drinks the conversations can get quite raunchy. We talk about our love lives and our partners – the good and the bad!

I think it’s harmless fun but recently one of my friends let slip one of the things I said about my husband in the bedroom and he was really upset.

James thinks we should keep our private lives private and says he’d never talk about our sex lives with his friends.

What do you think Will – should my husband lighten up or am I over-stepping?

Rachel, Staten Island

 

Hey Rachel,

From a man’s point of view, you aren’t just over-stepping; you’re two-stepping, side stepping, and doing the Electric Slide. James doesn’t need to lighten up and he isn’t “jealous of your friends”. He’s pissed off, and rightly so.

You don’t mention how long you’ve been married, but either it hasn’t been very long and you don’t know any better, or it’s been too long and you just aren’t thinking. I’m no Dr. Phil, but this stuff is Marriage 101, so hang up your cell phone and pull up a chair. Here’s how I see it:

What you’re doing wrong: Duh! Any real relationship, especially a marriage, has to have the big four (LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT, and COMMUNICATION) to survive. These are the legs of the stool, the wheels of the car, the tent poles etc, etc. Can it work without? Not very well.

So, how many of these laws are you breaking with your Chatty Kathy routine? James obviously can’t trust you to keep his business private; you’ve proven that. If he’s asked you not to do it before and you’ve continued anyway, that throws respect and communication out of the window. Well, you’ve still got love, and that’s all you really need, right? WRONG! If it’s true that “all you need is love,” then why did the Beatles break up?  As my daddy use to say, “A bird and a fish can fall in love, but they’ll play hell living together.” Trust me, you need all four of the big four.

Why James is mad: Quick question, Rachel; these friends that you have… how many things about yourself would you NEVER tell them? Sure you tell them some things, but what about those other things?  And James doesn’t know which of his things you’re telling and which one’s you aren’t.  Here’s one for the book. MAN RULE: MEN HATE TO LOOK VULNERABLE.  It’s a real struggle for us. And we’re never more vulnerable than when we are trying to make love. I’m not talking about sex; you don’t even need to know the other person’s name for that. I’m talking about a man opening himself up and letting someone else in to know him; his faults, his insecurities, things about himself that he doesn’t normally share. But now that James knows that you two might as well be doing the deed on the 11:00 news, why bother opening up to you.  I’m not sure how he feels… but I’d feel like you had no respect for me so it doesn’t matter what I do next.

Gains vs Losses: 1st Scenario = James sucks in bed. You tell your friends. They think you’re unhappy and have a pitiful sex life. They laugh at you, but not to your face. When they see James, they give him that sad, knowing look. He knows he’s not good, and he knows that you’ve told them. One of your friends lets a little something slip, accidently. James is mad, hurt, and doesn’t want to have sex with you any more… all because you can’t keep your business to yourself.

This doesn’t end well.

2nd Scenario = James is great in bed. You tell your friends. They think you’re too happy and want your great sex life. They get jealous of you, but not to your face. When they see James, they give him that hungry, lustful look. He knows he’s good, and he knows that you’ve told them. One of your “friends” lets a little something slip “accidently”. James is flattered and now that you no longer appreciate him, just maybe he’s open to her proposition. Now he won’t need to have sex with you anymore… because you can’t keep your business to yourself.

This doesn’t end well either.

What you should do: Apologize. Then… apologize again.  Tell James you had no right to put his business out there as entertainment for you friends. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he knows things about you that he doesn’t tell anyone and that you owe him the same consideration. Tell him it will NEVER happen again, and mean it!

Then, either change your drinking conversation, change your circle of friends, or both. You need to understand, you’ve never put on a white dress and promised to love honor or cherish any of your friends. You don’t owe them anything, but you owe James the big four, or your friendships will outlast your marriage. And if that doesn’t matter to you… than you’ve just failed Marriage 101.

Sorry goes a long way, Rachel. Start there… and good luck.

 Will Jones

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing

17 Comments

  1. m.e. johnson

    July 16, 2011 at 11:37 am

    LOL. Do I have to say it again, Will? Okay… You’re right on all counts, as I see it. I want to dwell on #2. I was told a looong time ago and have seen it happen: You tell girlfriend how good he is, she wants to find out for herself. You tell her how bad he is, she starts thinking SHE can fix it much better than you obviously haven’t been able to.

    Truth be known, I bet at least one of her friends have tried. I’d keep my eye on the one who “accidentally” (yeah, right) let something slip.

    Something else I was told: NEVER leave your girlfriend alone with your man.

  2. Peppercorn16

    July 16, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I Love having girl’s night out with my gals and we have raunchy talks about whatever. But as much as I love my friends I don’t share EVERY thing with them aboutwhat goes on in my home, or bedroom. There are limits to what I tell them just as there are limits to what I tell my hubby. Friends are important but I just feel that some personal things they don’t need to know about

    LOL Last thing a husband needs to hear is he’s not hitting it smooth, wet and hot in the bedroom even if it’s true. Just get you somebody new ( just kidding) “Kinda”

    I wouldn’t tell the friend who I knew is likely to repeat it to her mate that my husband is a 5- in the bedroom when he should be a 10+

    Now… if it were her telling me about her hubby I wouldn’t repeat what she told me I’d advise her to talk to him or accept a drink from the cute guy at the bar we’re hanging out at maybe he’d rock her world
    (again just kidding) “kinda” LOL, I’d advise her to talk with her hubby and hope they work it out

  3. Will Jones

    July 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    M.E.- I always LOVE your comments! And I agree! If you tell your girlfriend where you got those cute shoes, she’s gonna go get those cute shoes. If you tell your girlfriend how great your personal trainer is, she’s gonna end up with your personal trainer… so when you tell her that your man is making you hit notes that only dogs can hear, what do you think goes through her mind? 😉 And as far as the never leave your friends alone… that can go both ways!!!

    Peppercorn16- “…smooth, wet, and hot in the bedroom…” I may have to use that one!

    I agree with your points completely (kinda)! LOLOL

  4. GoddessKatie

    July 16, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I admit… I have been guilty of doing the same thing Rachel has done… and so has my husband. But, ending up in couples counselling opened our eyes BIG TIME to the fact that sometimes we need to just SHUT UP.

    I still talk to my friends… and we still have “funtastic” conversations… but now the details don’t need to be added. The only details anyone needs, is how much he loves me, & I love him.

    Now the only thing anyone would ever have a chance of “slipping” is the fact that he left the trash out… AGAIN.

  5. Peppercorn16

    July 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    “Thank You, Will please feel free to use it just don’t tell where you got it from.” 🙂

    And I too agree with M.E. about when you tell your girlfriend about cute shoes you can bet she’s going to get those shoes maybe two pairs just to one up her. And telling her about the personal trainer is a no-no too, she will go after him with those cute shoes.

    I don’t mind sharing with my friends but sharing a personal trainer that one I might keep to myself. After all he is a PRESONAL trainer “wink,wink, nudge, nudge”

  6. Jennifer

    July 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    It’s like I’ve always told my kids: don’t ever say anything about anyone behind their back that you wouldn’t say to their face.

    I think it holds true in this type of scenario as well. I get that women like to talk about a lot of things … I’ve done it myself many times. But I think when you’re in this bracket of being in committed relationships – like marriage, telling other people very personal information like that is too, too much.

    I was married once and I am positive that if my husband at the time talked to his friends about our personal information like that? I wouldn’t be very happy about it – whatever the context of the conversation may have been. It’s just too personal. So I have to agree and I would say apologize and in the future? Zip it when it comes to that.

    I may be naive but if I had a girlfriend who was trying to get in between me and my spouse after talking about what type of lover my spouse is, good or bad? I am not sure they are as good of a friend as I would have hoped. Just sayin’…

  7. m.e. johnson

    July 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    @Jennifer: More than likely she started out being your friend. Will still want you to forgive her. More than likely she didn’t want to keep him, just borrow him for a bit ;’-(

    If you’ve ever belonged to a ‘social club’, you know how cut-throat women can be… and still profess friendship. ‘Tis a mystery.

  8. m.e. johnson

    July 16, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    @Jennifer: referring to your last paragraph.

  9. Alicia Webster

    July 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    This is interesting to me and here’s why (Great advice William, and I agree wholeheartedly BTW), when my friends and I were out in the dating world, we did tell everything, holding nothing back. But when each of us fell in love, we kept our mouths closed and divulged none of the intimate sexual details with our fiances/husbands. That is how we knew when each of us had found THE ONE–I think one instinctively knows when the loyalty needs to shift over to the intended. If a woman (or man) is spilling the beans to his or her friends, that means that the loyalty has been misplaced. Spouse first, kids second, and friends/family last.

  10. Cocoa Fly

    July 16, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I agree with Good Enough Guy on Scenario #2. I don’t believe in telling women too much about how your man gets down in the bedroom b/c you never know if one of them will be tempted to give him a try, especially if they’re jealous of you and their man is a poor lover.

  11. Wanda Reese

    July 16, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    @Will: yup…and yup. My oldest sister did that with her good friends while married to her first husband…despite warnings from our maternal grandmother about keeping her business at home. Well, the best of her “good friends”, I guess, decided to see if her hubby was as bad in bed as my sister claimed. Result: they got together—and–he married her. That’s how “bad” he was…LOL…so agree 100% w/Cocoa Fly…

  12. Victor Hogan

    July 17, 2011 at 12:37 am

    i’m not sure how i feel about this. i guess i agree with this advice to an extent. usually when girlfriends get together and the alcohol has been flowing…. they start talking about EVERYTHING.

    i agree, that somethings are off limits in conversation with your friends about your spouse/significant other. those things are usually made CLEAR upfront in your relationship. and they aren’t always related to sex. some people are more sexually free than others(not in a perverted way). discussion about their sex life is truly no biggie to them.

    i guess it depends on the couple and what their boundaries are. sex discussions among friends happen ALL the time. it doesn’t always mean that a friend is going to sleep with ur spouse/s.o. if talking about ur sex life causes them to sleep with your spouse/so, it was only a matter of time b4 it happened anyways… that doesn’t just happen b/c of a sex convo. it was already their to begin with.

    **different POV**

  13. DawnKA

    July 17, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Great points! However, my friends and I talk about have discussed our fabulous sex lives 😉 and I have never entertained the thought of being with their man. I have been alone with my friend’s man waiting for her and nothing at all happened. I just think there is also the aspect of loving, trusting and respecting the people you choose as friends.

  14. Elizaeth

    July 18, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Mr. Jones, you are right on target. I certainly wouldn’t want my guy talking about me to his friends about our sex life and getting those looks from people. Sometimes thinking of the shoe on the other foot prevents us from being fools. And, as always, you know what it takes to have a good relationship. Those four qualities need to all be there, not just two or three. Thanks for standing strong!

  15. Will Jones

    July 18, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Hey Elizabeth,

    I’m a Marine, and even as strong as the brotherhood is between us, we no better than to tell tales out side of the bedroom. We have a saying:

    “I’ll trust you with my life…
    but not my money or my wife!”

  16. m.e. johnson

    July 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    @Will, I should have guessed that special something I like about you: YOU’RE A MARINE! I have a good buddy who is a Marine and he has those qualities too. How many dumbasses have tried to tell you that you are an EX-Marine? LOL

  17. Will Jones

    July 19, 2011 at 10:08 am

    M.E.-No wonder I always like you comments! It’s because you understand why I’m a nut!!! LOL. And you’re one ofthe few folks that understand “there’s no such thing as an Ex-Marine.” Once you are one, you die as one. And my father is a Devil Dog too, so I was pretty much born a marine. Yeah, we’re definitely a different breed; there’s us and then there’s everybody else. Don’t get me started or I’ll be jumping up and down and barking before you know it. Tell your buddy I said “Semper Fi!”.

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