Hi Rene,
I came back from the movies last week and my mom had an old friend visiting her in the afternoon.
I didn’t let her know that I was in the house because I didn’t want to disturb her but I couldn’t help hearing what they were talking about.
My mom was swearing a lot and laughing out loud as she was remembering stories from her past – the men she was with and some of the things she did (drinking and drugs)
My mom is very strict with me and sometimes that bothers me a lot but I know she wants the best for me. But now I know a bit more about her past, I am disgusted and feel betrayed.
Does my dad know about this? I worry that it will all come out next time she tells me that I can’t go somewhere or dress in a way that she doesn’t approve off.
How can I see my mom the way I used to?
Please help me,
Confused, Tara
Hi Tara
It sounds to me like there are two issues here for you. The first is the feeling of betrayal; your mom told you not to do stuff, may have even threatened you with punishment if you did and now you find out she did the things she told you not to.
The second is that you are finding out (though I’m sure you suspected before) that your mother is not perfect. So I want you to sit down and really absorb this bit of advice I have for you. You ready? Here it is:
WE MADE MISTAKES IN THE PAST. WE WILL MAKE MISTAKES IN THE FUTURE.
I know you know this in your head; in other words, logically it makes sense. But on an emotional level, you’ve been sort of gobsmacked by this because you just found out the woman who has most of the answers your young life is not infallible. So here’s what I would do, if I were in your shoes:
ASK YOUR MOM ABOUT HER PAST: Your mom is probably not going to be real thrilled with me for suggesting this, but I would start asking questions. Lots and lots of questions. I would ask about the mistakes she made with men and about her past drug use. Now you’re not asking so you can get carte blanche to try this stuff yourself, you’re asking in an information gathering way. You need to find out why she made the decisions she did and why she feels the way she does now.
YOUR MOM WANTS YOU TO LEARN FROM HER MISTAKES: When I was in my early 20’s I did something really stupid. I went on vacation by myself to an all-inclusive resort that was not in the safest country. Because I was by myself and everyone else at the resort was older with families, I hung out a lot with the staff. Well, one night, I left the compound to go to a party. Needless to say I had an angel on my shoulder because nothing bad happened. But it could have; I didn’t know these people, I was in a strange country and didn’t speak the language. That happened more than 20 years ago and it scares me more now than it did then. You know why? Because I’ve gotten smarter as I’ve gotten older. In my 20’s I thought the world was safe and that I was invincible. In my 40’s I’ve lived long enough to know that’s not the case always. Your mother probably feels the same way and she’s trying to keep you from situations that will be harmful to you.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER: I know this is tough on you and you’re feeling confused but seize this for the opportunity it is. This is a chance to open the lines of communication. I would tell her you’re confused to learn about her past behaviour and that you want to learn from her how not to make the same mistakes. Give your mom a chance to talk and withhold the judgment; remember she was young like you once too.
Tara, you probably won’t see your mom n the same way you did prior to this but honestly that was going to happen with or without this incident. You’re growing up, you’re getting wiser and catching on to stuff about life. So here’s one more thing for you to remember, we’re parents – not perfect. Be patient with us about our past mistakes and we promise to do the same for you with future ones.
Good luck, Tara!
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