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Kids’ Questions: I Want To Go On The Pill

teen-pregnancy3

Hi Rene,

I’m not sure how to talk to my mom and I thought you might be able to help.

I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 17. He’s been my first real boyfriend and I really love him. We have been together for a year and decided we want to start having sex. We just feel like we’re ready. I’m a little nervous about it. Not the actual sex but the other, sex-ed type stuff. I really don’t want to get pregnant or anything. Although we’re going to use condoms, I have heard of those breaking and I’d like to start taking the pill too, kind of as back up.

I don’t drive yet and I feel weird having my boyfriend drive me to some clinic. I’d like to just have my mom take me to a doctor to get the pill but I’m worried she’ll freak out. We haven’t really talked about sex other than the basics and I don’t think she thinks I’m ready even though I am. I don’t want to talk to her about it but I think I have to and I have no idea what to say. Any suggestions?

Ready in Raleigh


Hi R in R:

Thanks for trusting my opinion on such an important question. I always tell my kids is that though I’m an adult now, I was 16 once too and it didn’t seem like it was that long ago so I know how you are feeling. First I want to commend you for taking such a mature approach to this. One of the things that will alter you future is an unwanted pregnancy. I’m not saying you can’t work around it or finish school and go on to college with a kid; lots of people do. But once you have a baby the decisions you make are no longer made with only with you in mind. With that said here’s what I would do.

GET THEE TO THE DOCTOR: You’ve already stated that you want to go on the pill. I don’t care if you have to walk 3 miles, in a driving snowstorm, up hill both ways you need to make that happen. You can go to your family doctor if you are most comfortable there; in many states, certain types of communication between teens and their doctors is kept private; but if you want to make sure, you can ask the doctor or the nurse if they  will respect your confidence. If they say they cannot there are family planning clinics in nearly every town and you, being an Internet savvy teen you will be able to find them easily.

TALK TO YOUR MOTHER: As I said at the top, we were all 16 once, including your mother. It may be hard to picture now, but she had raging hormones and a boyfriend too and probably had to grapple with the same things you’re dealing with now. I don’t know your mother personally but I feel confident in saying she wants what’s best for you; that’s what we ALL want for our kids. Now this is a big conversation so let me tell you what I would want to hear from my own daughter.

In a quiet moment, I would want to hear her logically talk about why she feels she’s ready for sex. Maybe she will have done some research on birth control and can present that as part of her case. But I’m going to let you in on a parenting secret; it takes our breath away when our kids speak to us like they are adults. It shows us how mature you guys are getting and quiets all those times when we wondered if we were “doing it right”. It also makes it hard to disagree with an argument that is presented in a dispassionate, logical way.

BE SURE YOU’RE READY: Here’s the real reason I want you to talk to your mother. Sex is a very, VERY big step so you are going to need someone older, wiser and who you trust to help you put this in proper context. Because you see, when you are intimate with someone you are also “emotionally naked”, sharing with them not just your body but your heart and soul. You are giving another person every, single aspect of yourself and trusting that they will hold it dear. Are you ready for that? Can you say that your boyfriend will appreciate that and cherish you? You also said that you would feel odd having him drive you to the doctor or clinic. Listen, he can’t just be around for the fun part, he needs to be there during the planning too. And if you feel odd having him take you to the clinic, are you really ready for him to see you with your clothes off? Just wondering.

While I would like to think young people would remain virgins until they are married, the reality is that by their 19th birthday, seven out of 10 teens (boys and girls) will have had sex. So along with a parent’s prayer, we have to prepare our kids by arming them with knowledge, information and context based on our beliefs.

Good luck honey!

Do you have a question for a mom, but don’t want to ask YOUR mom? Click here to ask Rene.

 

6 Comments

  1. Will Jones

    April 2, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    BE CAREFUL, R in R! You need to understand that boys think about this event differently then young women do. This is not the same beautiful, romantic, moment to him as it may seem to you, even if he’s told you that it is. To a seventeen year old boy, it’s more like reaching a goal. It may seem like the beginning of forever to you, but it’s more like the end of a long journey for him. I’m not telling you what you should do, but you seem like you’re trying to make the best decision for yourself. I’m just making sure you know that how you THINK he feels may not necessarily BE how he feels, before you give away something you can never get back.

  2. Rene Syler

    April 2, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    @Will You’re amazing. It’s almost like you, well, were 17 once.. 🙂 thanks!

  3. Irene

    April 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Also, R & R doesn’ have to show her mom this note but leaving her mom a note if she just cannot say it in words may at least break the ice….just remember when everyone else in life let’s you down or up…there is gonna be your mom…:-)

  4. m.e. johnson

    April 2, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Oh thank you Will! On the Tyra show too many young men said they will say “I love you” or whatever they think will work to get sex. Here’s what we were told: If he says, “If you really loved me you would …..”
    YOU say, “If you really love me you wouldn’t ask me to …..”
    Young Miss, I hope you wait a while longer.

  5. Will Jones

    April 3, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    M. E. It’s hard to blame the boys. They’re fighting against their own bodies, trying to control urges that even grown men struggle with. Add to that, a pretty girl who’s having the same urges. The moment presents itself, and all you have to do is tell her you love her… even though you aren’t really even sure if you do or not, or what that even means. Maybe you do love her… it sure feels like you do.
    Man, what a confusing mess that was!

  6. Jwana

    April 7, 2011 at 11:31 am

    WOW. As a perent of two teenaged boys (14 and 16), this really hits home for me. I talk to my boys openly and candidly about sex and the risks. I let them know they can come to me any time and yes I really was once their age too so I do understand. While I, like Rene, would love to see them finished with college, have traveled a bit, experienced other cultures and ultimately married before they have sex, that is not reality. I do, however, want them well informed that there are a whole lot worse things out there than pregnancy. Let’s talk about the rise of STD’s and not to mention the statistics surrounding black women are the fastest growing population contracting HIV from men they trusted, some their own husbands. This is a very big decision for that young lady and I hope she does find the confidence and trust to talk to her Mom or another adult she trusts. Whew!!!

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Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer’s day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

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