Hi Rene,
I have been dating a guy for 3 months and he’s amazing. We have a wonderful time together and he is a great guy. The problem is, I haven’t let him meet my son yet. He knows I have a son and he is eager to meet him but I have been burned in the past introducing my son to men who don’t end up staying around. Now that my son is old enough to really understand what is happening (he’s 8), I feel even more cautious. I don’t want men coming in and out of his life. He gets enough of that from his father.
My son means the world to me and I want the man I love to love my child but I’ve only been with my boyfriend for 3 months. All of my friends have different opinions. Some say I should just get it out of the way if I think this guy has serious potential. Others say I should only have my son meet the man I plan to marry. I don’t know which is better. What do you think Rene? Should I introduce my son to my boyfriend now or wait?
Pam, Philadelphia
Hey Pam:
Thanks for writing in. New relationships are so fun and exciting but they can be hard work and that’s just when two people are involved; they take on added dimension when a child is a part of the equation. In this case, while the relationship is between you and the new man, your son, though just a little guy casts a large shadow over it, as well he should.
I’m actually quite encouraged you’re thinking this way; your son is your primary responsibility and if his father is a bit of a flake, he’s probably desperate for the stability you provide. Having said that he’s not a baby; he’s eight years old, surely old enough to understand that everyone, even adults, need friends too. Okay so here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes:
TAKE IT SLOW: Listen, I know you’re all excited and this is fun and new but it has only been three months. You and Prince Charming are probably still just learning pertinent information about each other. I truly think one of the big issues with budding relationships that stems from our microwave society is that we don’t give things time to percolate. We go from freezer to dinner plate in 2:30. People are quick to set up house without even knowing the other person’s quirks and idiosyncrasies. It is also possible (if I may be so bold) that you might be putting a bit of undo pressure on yourself (I don’t want to be alone, how great would “family” outings be) and romanticizing the situation. So let’s start by slowing down and getting a true picture of the newfound love.
MAKE SURE THE RELATIONSHIP IS SERIOUS: I’m no psychologist but just my mommy instinct tells me it’s probably not a great idea for you to be bringing people that you are seeing casually into your home. In her book, The Blended Family Survival Guide my friend Brandi Mitchell says the same thing. Brandi says a big part of the problem is that kids can get attached to the person very quickly and if things don’t work out, then they also have a broken heart to mend. You have already stated that things are going well but only say that the new relationship has “potential”. I would hold off on any introductions until potential becomes more concrete.
THE INTRODUCTION: Once you have determined the relationship is serious and headed toward some sort of long-term, if not permanent status, it’s time for your son and your man to meet. You know I’m a big fan of keeping the pressure and expectation low. So I would plan a fun outing, like mini-golf, which would promote interaction without pressure. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s something your son wants to do too. Make the introduction, facilitate if you will, but don’t hover! And remember the microwave analogy? Going forward, think of this budding relationship between your son and your new love like tea that is steeping. Let it sit quietly for a while, let the flavors naturally blend and get stronger on their own.
One of my Good Enough Mother sayings is that “you might not have all the answers but you’re smart enough to figure them out.” That’s where you are right now. I know this place. Make sure your son knows how important he is to you and that you value his opinion (but be careful not to allow him to dictate however). Then forget what your friends say, follow your own instinct and take it a step at a time.
You’ll be fine, mommy!
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