Two words!

TOILET SEATS! I live with my boyfriend of four years in a small, one bedroom apartment. It seems I have two choices; he either lifts the seat and leaves it up or just pees with the seat down (you can imagine what kind of mess that makes).

I think it’s rude and a bit disrespectful but he thinks it’s funny. It’s starting to affect our relationship. What can we do?

Yours

Disgusted!

Dear Disgusted,

This is actually a pretty tough question! The simple answer is that men can be jerks and our parents should have trained us better, but I think (or at least I hope) that there’s more to it than that. I actually ended up discussing this with a bunch of my friends, both women and men, and the answers varied more than I expected.

The men, of course, had plenty of excuses, some more valid than others, but none really holding much water (pardon the pun):

“Sometimes, I just forget…”

“It hurts to bend over to open the lid when my bladder’s full and I really have to go…”

“What’s the big deal? It’s just a toilet…”

“I always think I can pee through the seat without dripping on it, but I never can…”

“The seat’s never clean and I hate to touch it…”

“Why should I put it down, she should leave it UP for me…”

The women all had the same answer: “Lift the damn seat, go to the bathroom, close the lid… why is that difficult!!!”

OK. I’ll admit it. The guys are clearly wrong on this one. It is disgusting and it is disrespectful. If things were the other way around, we’d be pissed (I can’t help it; it’s just so easy!)

However, ladies… speaking as a guy who, as a teenager, worked several fast food jobs and had to clean both female and male restrooms, I know some… truths. So let’s not pretend that women can’t be just as rude in a stall as men, and far, far worse on some occasions (and you women that “hover” know what I’m talking about.) I’ve seen things that would have had the C.S.I. Miami team scratching there heads. I won’t elaborate. You’re welcome.

So, in “loo” of just pointing fingers… How do we fix the problem? I guess the mature way to handle it is to sit down with your boyfriend/husband/culprit and explain to him that you feel disrespected by it and that if he cares about how you feel, he should understand that it’s really bothering you and that his laughing hurts your feelings. In other words, play the guilt card. (I’m not saying that it isn’t all true, I’m just saying that it’s the truth sprinkled with a healthy helping of shame… just like momma used to make!)

Some of the women I talked to had tried this method, or some variation of it, and it worked… for a while anyway. Either way, it’s the best answer that we could come up with.

And now that I’ve answered as a responsible adult should… I’d like to hand out some creativity awards for some of the ideas that came from friends, family, and other twisted people I know. (DISCLAIMER!!! These are only IDEAS; they have not been tested to my knowledge and I am in no way suggesting that anyone should try any of them… I just think they’re funny…) So with that said, the award for…

Most Passive Idea- Just hush, keep cleaning it up, and be glad you have a roof over your head.

*Of course, this came from a guy. I won’t say his name… (your secret’s safe with me, Carl!)*

Most Aggressive Idea- Physically force any male in the house to sit down to pee.

*And this one came from a women who could actually do it!*

Most Expensive idea- Build “his” and “her” bathrooms.

*We’ll still just go to the one that’s closest to the TV*

Cheapest Idea- Make him pee out of the window.

*Wait… how close is the window to the TV?*

Best Guilt Trip- Hang a picture of his mother over the toilet.

*Not sure what effect this would have… but I bet Freud would have had a ball with it.*

Funniest Over-All Idea- Smear a thin layer of honey all over the seat and wait for him to sit in it… that’ll teach his sweet, sticky ass how it feels!

*…there’s really nothing to add to this one…*

Note: I’d like to apologize in advance to any husbands or boyfriends who, through no actual fault of mine, fall victim to the ideas listed above, or any new ideas that spring from them. I would also like to apologize to my own wife, for any past lavatory offenses I may have committed. I will, from now on, be inspecting the seat and lid after I use it… as well as checking it before I sit down.

Thanks everyone. I rest my case (as it were!)

Will

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few, spare moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.


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