I need some Good Enough Guy help!
I’m in my early 30’s, educated and make a good living – and yet I am still single. I have my fair share of first dates but they never seem to materialize into a second, much less a relationship. Am I telegraphing “needy”?
Well, the only way for me to actually know for sure what you are telegraphing is for you and I to go out on a date, so I’ll pick you up around seven; I’m thinking dinner and dancing.
Just joking; my wife frowns on me dating, and I don’t dance unless I’ve been drinking, the Ravens win, or both.
Are you telegraphing “needy”? Maybe…but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
*MAN FACT* Men need to feel needed.
Ask a man what would happen if he didn’t show up for work tomorrow and he’d probably tell you that the place would fall apart without him. He doesn’t just go to work for his pay check; they need him there. Ask him why he doesn’t miss a minute of his favorite football team’s game. He doesn’t just watch for the enjoyment; if he’s not there to support his team, they don’t stand a chance!
As a matter of fact, to hear the average guy tell it, it’s a wonder that anyone in his circle can even tie their shoes without him holding the knot. His mom needs him to run some errands, his brother needs help moving this weekend, he has to go and talk his friend off of a ledge. Most guys are just a cape and a blue Speedo away from fighting the forces of evil in their spare time.
And, if you don’t need him, where do you fit into his circle?
Maybe it’s just me, but there seems to be an awful lot of women these days singing the “I don’t need a man, I can do it all by myself” song, which is a good song to sing… if you want to do it all by yourself. I have no doubt that these ladies can and do take care of themselves, but I don’t think they realize the effect that “telegraphing” that fact, or actually stating it as a fact, has on a man. To us, “I don’t need you” means “you are of no use to me” which is just a stumble away from saying “you’re useless”, and by that time, we have our coats on and we’re thinking about how cute the waitress was.
Now, as I said before, you didn’t give me much to go on as far as what you’re doing wrong, but you’re first sentence said that you’re in your early thirties, educated, and make a good living. Just between you and me (and the MILLIONS that read this blog) I’d suggest that, on a date, you not open with any of those three facts. And even though I know I’ll get some hate mail over it, I’ll explain why:
– “I’m in my early thirties…” -Never tell a man your age unless he asks, which a gentleman never does. (catch 22!)
– I’m well-educated…” If you tell a man how well-educated you are, he will either try to impress you with how well educated he is, or try to change the subject so you don’t realize how uneducated he is… and do you really want either of these?
– “I make a good living…” Unless you’re hoping to get to pay the check, talking money or trying to look like, act like, talk like, or even pretend like you are completely self-sufficient is a worse mistake than looking needy. Showing up in a diamond tiara is as bad as showing up bare-footed in a potato sack with a sign around your neck that says “helpless”.
So, what should “telegraph”?
The simple answer is COMFORT.
You sound like a very capable, eloquent, attentive, efficient, women… and any boss would love to hire you… but you aren’t going on job interviews; you’re going on dates. There is nothing comfortable about a job interview; the applicant is usually so nervous that she makes the interviewer uncomfortable. This is to be expected in an office, but not at a TGI Fridays
*MAN FACT* Make a man comfortable enough, and he’s putty in your hands. (This stuff I’m giving you is GOLD! Don’t waste it.)
I don’t care what anyone else tells you, a comfortable man stays where he is. If you want a second date, be confident and comfortable enough that he can be comfortable with you on the first date. Don’t pull out your patented hair-flip, lip-bite, with the giggle chaser… he’s gonna think you’re having a seizure. Don’t try to telegraph, send signals, or do hand or eye signals… he’ll think you’re telling him to steal third. (Seriously, we aren’t good at that stuff). Don’t do what you normally don’t or do what you normally wouldn’t.
Instead, be the REAL YOU. (The dressed-up, cute, REAL YOU, not the REAL YOU that wakes up in the morning, yawning and scratching.) When he talks, listen and be interested. If he doesn’t talk, then you talk, and be interesting. Laugh at his jokes, but not like he’s Chris Rock. Tell a joke of your own, or a cute story, or anything that keeps things moving in an entertaining direction. This guy wants to feel like he’s winning you over… so let him. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy him. Enjoy being with him. And if you can’t, do you really want a second date? If he’s too much of a waste to deal with, order the lobster, put your doggy-bag in your purse, put on your coat, and think about how good-looking your waiter was. Then… go home and make another date with a better guy for tomorrow night.
Us guys aren’t looking for a wife on our first date; we’re looking for someone we enjoy that seems like they enjoy us too. I’ve never called a woman back because of how well-educated she was or how much money she made, but for almost everyone that I ever did call back, the conversation started with, “Hi, this is Will. I had a really great time with you the other night…”
If you seemed a bit needy, he’ll soon forget that… but if you two laughed so loud that the manager asked you to quiet down, he won’t forget that… and he’ll want to do it again.
William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few, spare moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing.