How Old Is Too Old To Be A Dad?
As you doubtless heard yesterday, congratulations are in order for Elton John and his husband David Furnish. Both are in for many a sleepless night as they’ve just announced that they’ve become daddies via a surrogate mother in California. Now, for the record I’ve loved Elton John since Crocodile Rock defined my days in grade school. But at 62 years old, I do have to wonder, how old is too old to be a parent?
From the moment you find out you’re going to be a parent, whether through pregnancy, adoption or surrogacy, your mind is filled with dreams of what it will be like. Too bad it seldom turns out that way. TRUTH ALERT – you see that baby and your heart explodes. Then you settle into a routine that involves getting to know your baby and realizing just how little sleep they require at one time. You’ve heard the term bone weary? That had to be coined by a new parent. You are so tired you literally cannot put two sentences together much less a cohesive thought. But sleep deprivation is just a part of new parenthood. You also have to incorporate this little being into your established routine among other things.
Now most of you know my story. I married a man who is a good deal older than me; he’s 62 now and 50 is right around the corner for me. When we married, I was a supple 31 and he was a slim, trim 44. We talked about the issue and agreed that Buff was still young enough for kids and, blithely assuming that “age is just a number”, decided to have a couple. Okay now the truth.
We have been married for almost 17 years and, while I love the guy, he’s a bit of a curmudgeon when it comes to the young ones. I’m not speaking out of turn here; he knows I feel this way. And I think when he’s honest with himself even he can admit he’s kind of a hardass with them. I’m not opposed to anyone being a hardass and Lord knows there are times it is necessary. But I truly think there is a general lack of patience that comes with him being an older parent.
Buff, as you know, was raised a very independent child because he had to be. His father was a truck driver who left for work at 5:30 am and his mother worked the overnight shift at the local hospital and didn’t get home until 7. So he was left to get himself and his little sister ready for school everyday. So of course, Buff expects his 12-year-old son to be the same way, from attitude right on down to the haircut. He wants Cole to be as he was, even though Cole, God love him, is a very different child. Cole will probably never be a methodical businessman, as Buff is. That boy is destined to march to the beat of his own drummer and will probably end up as the leader of a third world nation. The point I am trying to make is Cole is very much a free spirit. Casey is too. And though Buff was probably never much of one, I do think there was probably a time when he was at least more tolerant to those tiptoeing outside the lines.
It’s no secret that we become more rigid as we age; why do you think advertisers are hell-bent on the 25-54 demo? Because that group can and does still change its mind. But once you’ve spent a lifetime of using Tide, it will take an act of congress to get you to try Downy. I see that same thing in my husband. Even though times have changed since he raised his first daughter (who’s almost 40), Buff still labors under the delusion that what he did then will be effective now. Forget about the fact that these are different times and different children.
Elton John is the same age as Buff. I cannot IMAGINE Buff undertaking the challenge of a newborn now; hell John’s husband David is the same age as me and I can’t see myself going back there. Of course their situation is very different. There will be day and night nannies for little Zachary’s every need and because of that, there’s little chance sleep deprivation will be an issue for either John or Furnish. The chauffeurs will be on call to shuttle him to and from T-ball and birthday parties. But will Zachary have the benefit of a dad who will build tree houses and then spend the night in them? And as fit as Elton appears, something tells me we won’t see him running alongside his son’s bike as he learns to pedal for the first time.
Of course John is not the only man to have a child later in life. Rod Stewart, at 65, announced he is going to be a father again. Then there was the late Tony Randall who married a woman 50 years his junior. She gave birth to two children, the last one born when Randall was 80 (he died four years later). Even then I wondered if it was fair to the children. I guess it all boils down to what we think fatherhood is. If it’s just about providing financial support well that’s one thing. But if you see it as more about leaving a legacy (which sounds selfish and egocentric) then is it really fair to have a child that you may not live to see matriculate from kindergarten? On the other hand though, is it fair to deny someone the opportunity to become a parent based on age alone? I know some people whose mental and physical selves belie their chronological age. Should they become parents of newborns?
Buff was 50 when Cole was born. At the time we were both young and spry with what seemed at least, like more time ahead of us than behind. There are distinct advantages to being an older parent; we were more settled in our jobs and who we were as people. But honestly now, we’re tired. A lot. And we have a kid who has the energy of 40 wind turbines. Sometimes I feel bad that his father and I can’t muster the energy for a 3-hour game of Monopoly and wonder what it would be like if we had had him at a younger age. But it is what it is so we just do the best we can, as John and Furnish no doubt will do.
But what do you think? Is it fair to a child to have parents old enough to be their grandparents? And how do you think Elton and David will cope…?
