Sometimes when Good Enough Mother makes a TV appearance she is calm, collected and totally composed. And sometimes there’s so much behind the scenes drama going on it’s a wonder she can even say, ‘Hello, I’m Rene Syler!’
Let me explain. In my new role as a spokesperson for Woman’s Day Magazine I’ve been making appearances on Good Day New York and the Fox affiliate in Boston, talking about various articles featured in the magazine that month. Let’s just say yesterday’s deal was about as smooth as a soup sandwich. It was actually not anything I did, well I take that back, I do have to take some responsibility. See it went sort of went like this…
Since I have to be on Good Day New York first thing in the morning, it makes sense for me to go into the city the night before, rehearse the segment with the producer, get a good night’s sleep at a fancy hotel and be at the studio early in the morning. And that’s how it’s gone down the last couple of times.
Except yesterday morning, the fancy hotel had no water up on the 20th floor where I was staying. Of course. They apparently had water down on the 2nd floor of the fancy hotel so, boots in hand, I schlepped down there to get a shower. Now not only am I cutting into my prep time (which is no joke the older I get) but also the few minutes I have to choke down a 20-dollar bagel and piece of fruit disguised as breakfast.
(For those of you wondering why I just didn’t do a “pit wash” and keep it moving, I had already consumed the eight-dollar bottle of Fuji water the night before. For those of you who don’t know what a pit wash is, sign up for the military.)
After the shower I got back upstairs and tried to brush my teeth, because wouldn’t you know the water was restored to my room, probably the minute after I pressed 2 in the elevator. Only it was not the crystal clear stuff they serve in the finest restaurant in the city. It was of the dark brown variety that only gets slightly lighter after 5 minutes of letting it run. I’m gonna brush my teeth with THAT? Yeah I’d rather have a raging case of halitosis, which I probably did.
But that was only part of the problem. I forgot, apparently how to dress for TV and the black blouse I was planning to wear was thin, paper thin, as in tissue paper thin and there was no undergarment in the suitcase. I don’t own a single bra any more; the one positive outcome after my mastectomy was not needing one (I also forgot how bright those TV lights are and how to look in a full length mirror). So when I got to the studio, well, that’s when the attack of modesty hit. Now what?
Well, here’s the one (and only) thing I can say I shared with the Victoria’s Secret Supermodels… duct tape. Yep, that’s right I took a roll of black duct tape and wrapped it around my girls, and by extension, the rest of my upper body. It looked like a black tube top but felt more like sausage casing. Very, VERY sticky sausage casing. The entire time I was wrapping tape around my body (with the help of my attorney; I was clearly getting my money’s worth out of my retainer) all I could envision was the stars I was going to see when I stripped myself out of the tape. That’s if I stayed conscious. Here is the segment and thank GOD you cannot see the tape. You can’t see the tape, can you?
Ah yes, the things we do for TV, including taking short shallow breaths because our lungs are being compressed to a third of their natural size.
I rushed off the set and to the nearest bathroom, attorney in tow, to perform the duct tape extraction and yes, as I said, I saw stars. But in the process I learned something and wore a heavier top for my appearance in Boston today.
That’s the behind the scenes story but as an FYI, let me plug the side dishes we talked about because they are AMAZING! You can find all the recipes here. Reminder, after the corn casserole, you’ll need more than one roll of duct tape to keep your “girls” in check!
So what’s your best wardrobe malfunction moment? And hotel horror story? It may not involve TV but surely, we’ve all had them! Start sharing ladies!