Please help – I really need your advice on a tricky issue!
I love my wife, Anna, very much but I have to be honest – I can’t stand her best friend Mira. She’s selfish, bitchy and always trying to stir up trouble – sometimes even in our relationship. But Anna always gives her the benefit of the doubt and says ‘that’s just the way she is’. I find myself making excuses to get out the house whenever Mira comes over.
Anyway Mira has just broken up with her partner – and my wife has taken pity on her and invited her to join us for our upcoming vacation. It wasn’t that we had a big holiday planned – just a few days away by the beach – but we don’t get much time together as we both work such long hours and I simply don’t want to spend time with a person I dislike.
I’ve asked my wife to dis-invite Mira but she says she can’t – so I said I didn’t want to go away anymore, which led to a big argument between us. Anna says I’m being selfish. Am I? What would you do, Rene…
Thanks for writing in. This is actually an easy one for Good Enough Mother and the answer can be summed up in one word.
This is not going to happen and here’s why. You’re a guy and no offense, but y’all are pretty simple creatures. You want three things from a vacation, good food, good conversation and good sex and not necessarily in that order. If Mira comes along there is a very good chance you will only get one of the three.
Vacations, be they three weeks or three days, should be relaxing, a time for you to really let your hair down. A third person in the mix changes the dynamic, preventing the real, soul-baring conversation you and Anna don’t get a chance to have when you’re home because of your hectic lives. Add to that your personal distaste for Mira and the only thing you will be assured of at the end of vacation is a bill and a baby ulcer.
Anna may be very sweet and have a big heart but the question I have is why didn’t she check with your first before inviting miserable Mira along? Why would she think it was okay to put her friend’s needs, especially one she knows you cannot stand, ahead of yours? Was she trying to send you a message about the importance of your relationship or was it merely an oversight? The answer to either question is not great and the two of you might have to do a bit more digging where that’s involved.
But where to go from here? I would sit Anna down and explain to her that you love her deeply and were looking forward to reconnecting emotionally, intellectually and physically. You appreciate Anna’s big heart; in fact that’s probably one of the reasons you fell in love with her. But tell her you are drawing the line here; it’s either Mira or you.
Anna says she cannot disinvite Mira. I have no idea why not; that is exactly what has to happen and it’s not that hard to do. If Anna is concerned about her friendship, tell her she can place all the blame on you. You and Mira already can’t stand each other if this makes it worse, so be it. Mira’s a big girl and I’m sure she has other friends she can spend a couple of days with as she recuperates from her broken heart. Bottom line you do not want her on vacation with you and Anna.
If Anna still refuses to disinvite Mira then the two of them can go away together. They can sit on the beach with umbrellas in their drinks and commiserate until their gums bleed. Then you and one of your guy friends can take a “man-cation”, you know, the kind of trip where beer is integral and showers optional.
But Mike, I’m warning you now if Anna chooses Mira over you, your marriage might have bigger issues than you thought.
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