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Single Mom Slice of Change: Self-Esteem Showdown

Single Mom Slice of Change:
Self-Esteem Showdown 

 

There is a movement of sorts about how women with meat… and maybe a little more… on their bones can still be perceived as beautiful, and even as a straight woman, I agree, 100%. Women – healthy women – are beautiful creatures. Then there are those who are wholly of the belief that it’s not on the outside, but the inside that determines one’s idea of beauty…

… and all of that is well and good, but what do the women in question think?

I’ve been called cute, pretty, and beautiful – but then again – I have a lot of friends who drink. Yup. That’s right. I’m one of those women who cannot take a compliment. Never have. Chances are, never will.

I don’t think I’m pretty, cute or beautiful… which is why I don’t believe others when they compliment me. I don’t eat or go to movies alone because in my head, people are pointing and laughing at the fat girl with no friends. I will wear my clothes until they fall apart because I hate looking at myself in a mirror – come to think of it – I don’t look in a mirror when I get ready in the morning, either.

Related: Homosexuality And Hypocrisy: The Uproar Over Disney’s Beauty And The Beast 

Nope. No mirrors, no eating out alone, no compliments.

In fact, I hate the spotlight so much, I can talk myself out of… well… anything.

Remember a few posts back, I admitted to being a romantic suspense author with no picture to my brand? Well, an author has to write, right? There are times I’m in the zone with a laser focus for hours at a time. Sometimes, though, I just HAVE to get out of the house.

Libraries are good to hide in – people focused on books or computers. More than one friend has offered up a spare room or backyard. I’ve even stayed at work or gone in on the weekend to get some writing done.

But there was one recent weekend when I was so close to the end of my book, I could taste it. The boys were holding a video game battle in the living room, the library was closed, and the office was too far away – but how many times have I seen coffee or sandwich shops booths turned into make-shift offices?

I live in a small city, which means, there aren’t that many – and they are close by. So, I grabbed my laptop, my notes, hopped in the car, and headed down the road.

Related: Single Mom Slice Of Change: Back To Basics

Pulling into a parking lot, I frowned at the dashboard. It was after lunchtime. Surely by now the restaurant would be emptied out. In the windows the booths looked empty, and there was no line in the drive thru.

SAFE! Except… there were two men sitting at a table on the patio. Cute, muscles, one had a tribal tattoo on his bicep. They were talking, laughing, had no idea I even existed… and they never will.

I never got out of the car.

The pure panic of knowing I looked as frumpy as I felt started an overwhelming sense of panic rushing through me – and yes – I even cried a little. There was no way I could walk in front of these two strangers, and risk them thinking about me the way I thought about myself. So, I backed out of the parking spot, came home, and locked myself in my room. Very little writing got done that day.

Related: Single Mom Slice of.. Change 

Sure, there are the health benefits of losing weight, none of which should be overlooked. The more weight I lose, the better I feel, the more energy I have, the longer of a life I’ll live.

But I also have to be able to live that life, walk into a building, even say “thank you”… and mean it.

What about you? What has happened during your journey that made you stop and realize, “I don’t want to live this way”? How small – or large – of a realization was it?

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