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Ask Rene:

The Responsibility Is KILLING Me!

Hi Rene:

I need some advice and I am told you’re the best for that type of thing. Here goes in a 150 word or less. I am 49-years-old, I live with my husband of one year, my very sick mother, who I care for, my youngest son, who blames me for the bad things that have happened to him and his girlfriend (who got kicked out by her parents for being with my son). My oldest son, 26, hates everyone, including me, maybe its because I tell him the truth, my youngest best friend who thinks he is better then everyone else and got kicked out by parents for that reason and then there’s my step-daughter who hates me for loving her father.

I am the only one that cleans the house and cooks; I also work full-time for a very old-fashioned boss. I am sick and tired of living with my selfish family but I don’t have another other options. I have to stay here because my mother has no one else but me to take care of her. I come home to this house.

I am even getting sick of my husband who I use to love more than anything else. All he does is work and go riding his motorbike or to his friend’s house to socialize. I don’t have time to socialize any more because I spend all my extra time with my Mom…

Rene I want out… I going nuts, I hate my life and every day I get more bitter… I don’t want to be a bitter, lonely old lady like my mother…Please give me some advise. Fast.

Sign me,

At the breaking point

Dear ATBP:

WHAT THE HELL ARE ALL THOSE ADULTS KIDS DOING THERE? Oh sorry.. I meant to use my inside voice.

Look, before I even got to your signature, I knew where you were. I appreciate that you think I have the answers; maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Or maybe I’ll just help you see what you already know needs to happen. I think we can agree that something’s gotta give. The problem is, only you, me and some of our readers, are genuinely concerned about this. And you.

You’re on the money when you say they’re all selfish and as I told a reader recently, for you to expect them to awake with an attack of consciousness is a waste of your energy. So you have two choices: You either continue to let them stomp you into the ground or you set some boundaries.  Let me give you my advice based on each person in this sordid dynamic.

ALL THE KIDS

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As I said at the top, what is going on here? Are you running, a boarding house or what? Why are all these kids and their paramours living there? Are they there rent-free? If they are, why aren’t they contributing? In my home, we are a family of four, two of whom are teenagers and EVERYONE pulls their weight. Along with going to school, my kids do laundry, cook a little bit and clean up after themselves. Did I mention they’re teenagers? It is absolutely INEXCUSABLE that you are cleaning up, picking up and putting up with this behavior from fully formed adults who share your house.

Read more:  Single Mom Slice of Life: Of Manners And Teenagers

YOUR HUSBAND

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You need to talk to him RIGHT.NOW before this derails your marriage; it already sounds like it’s creaking under the strain of it all. If you don’t speak up and I mean like yesterday, you’re going to wind up hating him and everyone under that roof.

Read more: What’s Love Got To Do With It? 19 Lessons From 19 Years Of Marriage

YOUR MOTHER

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She is the only person who legitimately needs you (some would argue your husband needs you but I am speaking strictly in a caregiver sense). Everyone else, literally every other person is able bodied and can fend for themselves.  Start treating them like that.

Now what?

First understand that this is a situation of your own making. I don’t say that to lay all the blame at your feet but we have talked about this time and again; you teach people how to treat you. They cannot walk on you unless you lay down in front of them. Time for you to stand up. Try this two-pronged approach.

Read more: Smack In The Middle: Why My Parenting Has To Change… And Me With It

TALK TO  YOUR HUSBAND

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Tell him exactly how you feel, what this is doing to your marriage and your feelings toward him. Then tell him you need his help and explain what it is you need him to do. Do not leave room for ambiguity; Good Enough Guy will back me up on this one. Then…..

Read more: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly: An Unvarnished Look Inside A Real Marriage

GO.ON.STRIKE!

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I am 100 percent serious about this. Those able-bodied young people in the house need to start using their able bodies. Obviously you need to cook and clean for your mother and your husband (hopefully) will share in those duties with you. But for those other lazy-butts, if they want to continue living in your house, they need to step up.

So when you’ve made three pork chops, for your husband mother and you, they can eat cold hot dogs and microwave popcorn. When you’ve done laundry for your mother, husband and you, let them wear filthy clothes. When their bathroom runs out of toilet paper because you didn’t shop for them, let them use leaves to wipe their butts. Do you see what I’m saying here?

But there is another issue to address here and that is why are all those kids still living there? So what your younger son blames you for the bad things that happened in his life. A lot of people have bad things happen to them but they figured out the difference between victim and victor. I’m going to guess (since he’s got a girlfriend with whom, I assume, he has conjugal visits under your roof) he’s at least 20. Well, that’s old enough to get a job and a place to of his own to play house. Your 26-year-old.. well let’s just say he won’t hate the life he has as much as when he has to go out and build one of his own. Your youngest best friend can take himself and that I-am-better-then-everyone-else ‘tude and find another place to live. As for your stepdaughter; there’s an issue where therapy could help. Blending a family is tough and that’s without all this other dysfunction.

Read more: Guest Posting: Want To Raise Responsible Kids? Try A Little Respect

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So there you go. You have two choices. You get tough or you get trampled and you already know what one of those feels like. The ball’s in your court.

Good luck!

Do you have a question for Rene? She has an answer. Click here and fire away. And don’t forget to follow the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.

(Editors note: This piece originally ran on 3/13/12)

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