TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER
Creative Commons/Tim EasleyI know, I know.. I always start with this but it’s because it’s the most crucial step. A lot of times there are misunderstandings or miscommunications that can be cleared up simply by asking questions. The problem is that you have to be prepared to hear answers you might not like. Are you ready to hear your daughter say she’s moving out because she’s tired of how controlling you’ve been (which may or may not be the truth)? Or worse yet, that she just doesn’t like you? Get ready.
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Creative Commons/a.d.millerThese next steps are not going to be easy, no matter what happens. If she decides to stay out of your house, you are going to have to work on developing the next phase of your relationship. What that looks like is anyone’s guess, but I suspect it will involve you relating to her more on an adult level as opposed to mother-child.
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WHAT NOW?
Creative Commons/wittco.gmbhShould you pay for her college? Well that’s totally up to you. If it were me, I wouldn’t. You said your daughter thinks she can do it all on her own, so let her! People do, you know. They take out loans and work part-time jobs and go to school. If you do decide to pay for her schooling, will there be strings attached to that money? I mean, if I were shelling out 40 grand a year I would expect some return on my investment. I would want to be able to see grades, to be able to talk to her about her choices and, of course, what she thinks of the future. I’m not sure how you do that with someone who is not living under your roof.
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And now two quick things: you say your daughter’s boyfriend is a loser? To you, he very well may be but he’s 20; how many of us had our acts totally together at that age? I know I didn’t. Perhaps your daughter sees something in him that you don’t, something she is willing to grow and nurture. I would suggest you stop harping on him because being negative is only pushing her closer to him. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.
You want to get your daughter back? You can do that… by letting her go. One of the great parenting paradoxes is that we work for 18 years to teach our kids to be strong enough to make their own decisions and then when they do that, we freak out a little. Your daughter’s future belongs to her. Period. You can be concerned, you can worry about it, but there’s actually very little you can or should do. She’s going to make mistakes and she will learn from them.. if you get out of her way and let her.
Trust that she’s smart, learned from the best (you) and will ultimately figure it out. Just like we all do.
Good luck, Mom!
Do you have a question for Rene? She has an answer. Click here and fire away. And don’t forget to follow the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.
More from GEM:
Where In The World Is Good Enough Mother? Marfa, Texas, Baby!
Ask Rene: My Daughter’s Throwing Her Life Away With This LOSER!
Monday Morning Motivation: Make An Effort Or Make Excuses.. What’s It Gonna Be?
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from experience constantly pointing out his flaws to her will only push her away more a few months back my 19 year old had a bf that i wasn’t thrilled about i embraced the relationship like there was no problem and it was not long lived