Hi Rene:
HELP! My daughter started seeing a guy (her first boyfriend) when she was 17 against our wishes. We tried to make them break up but she said she’d kill herself or runaway if we called the law on him. So we just hoped it would play out.
I felt like something was wrong with him so ran background check, found out he is 28, has no job, no phone, no car, no money and lives with grandmother. His background check says he’s been in prison two times for drugs and bad checks. The day our daughter turned 18, she got mouthy and hateful, packed her bags and moved in with my parents, against our wishes.
Now, my parents talk down about her dad and me and tell her she doesn’t have to even listen to us because she is grown. We took away her car because he was driving it on our insurance and our dime but ended up giving it back for her safety; she’s in college and was walking at night. When we took her car, her boyfriend got mad and tried to press charges on me for “harassing” my daughter when I was only calling her on the phone to make sure she was okay. I’ve already canceled her insurance but my parents added her on their policy. I am not going to give her any more money ever. I will only pay for her orthodontist and that’s it.
She is planning on marrying and supporting him. He is a lazy, no good bum and I think he is on drugs. My daughter is a good girl; she works and goes to college but lets him brainwash her into hating her dad and me. She has changed her cell number and refuses to talk to or even look at us. I want her to come home but if she won’t, then I at least want a relationship with her.
I am just about crazy. What do we do? Let her marry him and say nothing? I think me always telling her how it is as I see it is what ran her off to begin with. I am scared for her safety.
Panicked in Pittsburgh
Dear PiP:
I wish I had a dollar for every letter I got from a mother, worried that her daughter was getting involved with a bad seed. If I did, I’d be able to put my kids through college and then some, I kid you not. But all the stories are a little bit different and each one involves someone’s kid. I know you are losing sleep over this, I know you are anguished and I know you’ve come to me for some straight talk; I hope you’re ready because the gloves are coming off. The way I see it, you’ve got to deal with this issue on a number of fronts.
Print
Email
I totally agree! The time to set the standards of what type of guys were accepted was when she was first starting to talk to boys. My mom’s standard: no C’s on a report card; can’t get in trouble in school; she had to talk to them; meet his parents, if possible. And this was when I was 13. Those type of guys usually don’t end up in jail. My ex-boyfriends are now accountants, city engineers, & hospital administrators. Too, the high school riff raff who did like me were afraid to talk to me because of my dad. As a adult, I employ similar criteria when dating. “Train up a child…(s)he will not depart from it.” Proverbs
Good advice.
Sadly, I’m getting the feeling her father never sat her down to talk about guys. I say this because mine never did, but being a terrible father I vowed to never go this route *because* of how terrible he is/was.
Also, if she’s walking at night taking away her car would be an EXCELLENT opportunity to further prove how much of a loser this guy is. I didn’t have my own car (paid and insured by myself) until I was freshly 23. I’ll be 25 in about a month. Anyway, she would see very quickly how much her do nothing boyfriend feels about her when I he refusing to walk her home at night.
I was going back and forth with myself about revealing my age since I’m a youngin, but I have a younger sister everyone spoiled and now wonder why she’s gone off the deep end. I emphahize.
The bigger issue for me here is the disrespect and ungratefulness! I wouldn’t frame not helping her as an issue with who she choses to date but because of her disrespectful and ungrateful attitude. When someone adult or child acts unappreciative you don’t continue to give what you’ve been giving. She’s 18, your OBLIGATION to provide for her is done. Now any provision you offer her is a PRIVILEGE. You’re daughter is in college. I would encourage her and continue to praise her when it came to that. Don’t just focus on what she’s doing “wrong” in her life. Make your conversations about college and her future, not him. I’d offer maybe limited support but no frills. No car, no cell phone, no apartment. Maybe half on her classes and half on books because those things have nothing to do with him. And I’d wouldn’t give her the money, I’d pay for it directly. But most importantly this mother needs to pray…pray that God reveals who this guy is to her daughter without irreversible repercussions and that she sees it and is strong enough to act on it. Remember it’s HER lesson to learn when it comes to being in that relationship. And this mother needs to ask what lesson am I suppose to learn from this. Everything our children do or go through isn’t always just about them. Finally she has to LET GO. The hard reality of parenting is that our kids choices are THEIR choices, especially once they become adults. All we can control is our reaction to them and pray and trust that what we’ve instilled in them will rear it’s head in the midst of bad decisions. And I’d pay for birth control and condoms
The hardest part about my daughter is she used to be so sweet and laid back. When she met this freak she was 17 and lonely and had neve had a boyfriend. He found her on Facebook and lives here in town. I had no idea he was 28 and had no idea he had been in prison. When we found these things out,I flipped out and her Dad wanted to make him go missng ! Our first teen andwe didn’t know how to handle it. We did the best we knew how to do and when we tried to stop it,she was refusing to go to school and said she would kill herself. We just hope and prayed things would fizzle out and he would move on as well as she would do the same. Now,6 months later she has paid for herself a wedding ring and is working as a waitress and taking her tip money and buying his cigs and whatever else he wants. I am just heart broken. I don’t mind her moving out so much although I wish she were home in her room and being how it used to be. It is the fact that she refuses to talk to us and has a bad attitude. She is willing to not have anything to do with us her family the ones who truly love her.Thats what hurts so bad and to see him take advantage of her and no be able to do anything about it. The thing is she has severe asthma and he smokes around her and she has arthritis and auto immune hemolytic anemia. I have spoiled her I guess. We bought her a car,paid for the gas and insurance. A cell phone,nice clothes from the mall and ortho for her teeth. We always paid for extras like hair and getting her nails and toes done up for special things like prom and graduation. Always told her everyday how much she means to us all and how much we love her so very much. Her Dad always did te best he knew but he never knows what to say to her. Her dad and I have been married for almost 19 years and have always did our best. I don’t really know where we went so wrong with her. Her dad said we gave her too much and everything when she wanted . I just don’t see how that would have ruined her so badly but somehow we did I guess. She started saying when she was 16 she wanted her own place and a car that we wouldn’t have a say in what she does with what. She has long wante her freedom and now she has it. I did sign the title of her car ove but she will have to pay her own insurance ,gas,cell phone and whatever else. I will however continue to pay for her ortho which she has 9 months on. I have decided I am not going to contact her anymore,at least for a while . For one she had her cell # changed and I have to go through my Mom who tells her we are trying to control her. I hope and pray she doesn’t marry him and I hope and pray she will come home and see the light. I do pray everyday for her and my family. I know I have to leave it in God’s hands now. Thanks for the advice yall.
@Kellie: Thanks for writing in. Listen, I do think this is going to resolve itself; I truly do. But it may take a while. I like your plan of not contacting her. I predict she comes around, I really do. Let us know how it goes and hang in there!