Ask the Good Enough Guy: I Think My Friend’s Wife Might Be Having An Affair.. Now What?

Hi Guy,

I found your site searching for good, guy advice. Hopefully you can help me.

I was always taught if you didn’t see it, you can’t say it. I don’t gossip, and I always confirm my facts. That being said, I’m 90% sure my boy’s wife is sleeping with one of my other Facebook friends. I saw a picture of a party she went to without her husband, Wayne, and I just got a feeling that she was “Girls Gone Wild” and then some. And this wasn’t just some, “Girls-night-out-I’m-gonna-get-it-in” kind of stuff either!

So here’s the dilemma; I only saw the pics. I don’t know why she was at the party or if maybe I read too much into them She was hugged up with some guy, but with some girls, too. Wayne and his wife have been cool with me and my wife since college, our kids are growing up together, you know…all that white picket fence stuff.

Since I didn’t see it, should I say it? I want to talk to his wife, too, but I feel that would be disloyal to Wayne. If I thought it was serious enough to talk to her, isn’t it something I should tell him about first? I’m cool with his wife, but it is clearly a friendship that is divided along gender lines. I’m lost, Good Enough Guy; what should I do?

Signed,

See No Evil, Speak No Evil

 

Hey See No Evil,

Undoubtedly most scholars, many psychiatrists, and almost all parents will tell you that honesty is the best policy and that, in the end, coming clean and telling the truth will always win out over clamming up and keeping a secret. So read on and I’ll explain why, in this instance, that’s a load of crap:

NOYDB: That’s right. This situation is “None Of Your Damn Business”. I live by a rule that says if what I know will hurt more than it helps, I don’t say it. Trust me on this, if you start running your mouth about what you think you saw, at best, you’ll cause some pain and hurt feelings; at worst, you could cause the destruction of a family. You don’t have a dog in this fight, so sit this one out…

or…

YOU TELL IT, AND YOU’RE WRONG: You tell your friend, he already knows about that night, and you come off looking foolish. He’ll mention it to his wife, and she’ll think you were being nosy or trying to cause trouble. Or maybe the pics were innocent and they’ve already talked about it, but you bringing it up causes some other argument, which means you actually did cause trouble. Either way, once they hash it out, they’ll both probably think it was none of your business, and they’ll both be right.

Or maybe…

YOU TELL IT AND YOU’RE RIGHT:  Your friend will ask his wife, and she will deny it, which means either you or his wife is lying to him. Guess who’s side Wayne will take? Yep, you lose a friend. And chances are his angry wife will also cut all ties with your wife, and won’t want her kids around your kids. AND, if the ugly truth does ever come out, and Wayne leaves his wife and kids, do you think he’ll run to your house and thank you for telling him the truth? That stuff might work for JJ and Michael on a very special episode of “Good Times”, but in real life, when Wayne thinks about how his marriage ended, he’s going to see your face in his mind. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth. AND if they ever work things out and get back together, don’t expect his wife to invite you to dinner (and if she does invite you, for the love of God, don’t eat it).

But your best bet is…

YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.  There’s a very good chance the pics were no big deal. There’s a good chance they look worse than they were. There’s a chance that, if she did get a bit wild, she already came clean to her husband. There’s even a slim chance that she had an affair, saw the error in her ways, walked away from it, and will never do it again. The only thing you know for sure is that you don’t really know anything which is actually a pretty good place to be, don’t you think?

My advice: stay out of grown folk’s business. Good luck.

More from GEM:

The GEM Debate: Sent Home For SUSPICION Of Pregnancy? REALLY?

Ask Rene: How Can I Reinvent Myself Without Support From Family and Friends?

Tandem Tantrums: To My Daughter… An Olympic-Sized Life Lesson: You Are Good Enough

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing. Follow him on Twitter @goodenoughguy1

2 Comments

  1. Tiffany Tertipes

    August 11, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Good call, Will. While I don’t condone keeping wild party secrets from one’s spouse, I also don’t think that throwing around accusations will do anyone any good either.

    If his friend asked him if he had any suspicions about infidelity, I think this guy should be tactfully honest, but not unless his friend comes to him first. The likelihood of that happening is pretty low, so I’d just invest in some lip bolts and call it a day.

  2. The Working Wife

    August 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Will, I couldn’t agree with you more. I wrote a blog about a similar matter when I overheard one side of a phone convo at the airport. http://tinyurl.com/924rawl

    This guy is in a lose/lose situation if he opens his mouth. He needs to understand that this isn’t high school or college. A marriage and a family are at stake. Pictures never tell the whole truth and with the technology to alter darn near anything, he cannot know for certain that what he saw was an original OR what was actually going on.

    As a wife, I don’t condone cheating; however, I never want to put the burden on our friends to feel obligated to tell this kind of news to us.

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