Ask The Good Enough Guy: She’s On The Pill So Why Is Her Dad Pissed?

 

Will, my daughter is 19-years-old and I feel she is one of the most responsible teens I know. Recently I helped her start birth control because she is sexually active and in a committed relationship. My husband found her pills on her last visit from school, and let’s just says I have never seen him so upset. To take some of the pressure off of my daughter, I admitted to my husband that I had gotten them for her. Wrong move. Now he is furious with both of us and not really speaking to either of us. I understand being disappointed when you find your little girl is having sex, but I don’t understand the anger and as such don’t know how to bring this episode to a close so we can move on with our lives.

Pill Problems

 

Hey P.P.

So, let’s see. You and your teenage daughter discussed her being sexually active and decided that birth control pills were her best option, all without even mentioning it to your husband. And then you help her obtain the pills, again without discussing any of it with her father: your life partner. Then you wait until she is caught red-handed with them to admit the truth, and you want me to tell you how to “bring the episode to a close”? Yeah… NO! That’s not gonna happen. Your husband should be furious. Hell, I’m mad at you just reading about it. Here’s why:

DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL:  As a man with a daughter, I can tell you first-hand; the only day we fear more than the day that boys want to do “things” with our daughter, is the day our daughter wants those things done. It freaks us out. It literally keeps us awake some nights. After all, all we dads were boys once. We know how boys think. We used to think those same filthy thoughts about other people’s daughters. Just the idea of some teenaged version of me passing love notes to MY DAUGHTER makes go all, “accidental overdose of gamma radiation.”

BUT….  Every dad knows that day is coming. I’m sure most of us pray that our daughters are married first, but we also weren’t born under a rock. We read the papers. We know the statistics and none of us want our daughter on the bad side of them. Yes, she’s 19 and pretty much adult. Yes, she’s making her own life choices now and didn’t even really have to involve either of her parents in this decision, but the fact still stands; you knew, and didn’t tell your husband.

SHE’S NOT JUST YOUR DAUGHTER:  Making this kind of a decision without your husband’s input was wrong. It says that you don’t trust his judgment, you don’t respect his opinion, you don’t care how he feels, or some combination of the three. How would you have felt if you found out that he had put her on the pill at fifteen without asking you? I’m betting you wouldn’t just want to, “bring the episode to a close so we can move on with our lives.”

“I’M SORRY” IS A GOOD START:  When your husband found the pills, I’m sure he launched into a speech he’d been preparing since the doctor said, “It’s a girl!” He expected you to back him up, but instead you made him feel foolish – like the butt of a bad joke. He was left out of one of the last decisions he would have ever been a part of with his daughter. Re-read that last part until you feel guilty, and then go tell him that you know how wrong you were to do that to him. Then, I suggest you, your husband, your daughter and maybe even the boyfriend, sit down together, put everything on the table including the pills, and have that long, uncomfortable, conversation that your husband should have been a part of. If your husband is opposed to her being on birth control, then it may benefit her to hear why he thinks so. If she’s old enough to do the, “no-pants dance”, then she’s old enough to have an adult discussion on the subject. As I said: dads were boys once, and hearing some of those stories from him might open her eyes to a few things. And even if dad doesn’t change her mind about a single thing, the underlying message will come through loud and clear: I love you, and I worry, so please be careful.  

Good Luck!

More From GEM:

All Grown Up.. You Sure About That, Buddy?

Our Story Begins: Of Bodysuits, Boobs And Boys

Perfect Parenting? Perfect Nonsense!!!

 

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing. Follow him on Twitter @goodenoughguy1.

27 Comments

  1. Georjanne

    June 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Your response would be appropriate if the young lady was 15. But since she is 19 Dad should just be grateful that she still talks with her Mom about these issues. No one has the right to make decisions about another adult’s body even if you raised that adult.

  2. Essie

    June 2, 2012 at 9:48 am

    I agree with the issue of keeping the information from the husband but that’s about it. This advice would be fine for a 15 year old but like it or not we are talking about an adult woman. I find this advice incredibly condesending. Would a father tell his 19 year old son not to use a condom?

    As parents our job is to transition our role as our child grows. We have different roles with toddlers then we do with Tweens and kindergartners then we do with high schoolers. Throughout all of it we need to act in the best interests of the child. When that child becomes an adult it’s no different. Her safety and confidence come first and it sounds like her Mom was walking her through this process in an age appropriate way. If conversations weren’t had when she was younger that was lost opportunity.

    It’s time to hang up the “my liitle girl” schtick. It’s offensive to this young woman who has a right to function as an adult.

  3. Mia

    June 2, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Wow, that was powerful. I understood and empathized with the Mom until I read Will’s response. What can I say, he’s right? I’ve also been guilty of making this decision without my hubby. However, I did give him a high level overview of my plans. I think he preferred to stay in the dark.

  4. Lisa

    June 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

    I appreciate the perspective of the writer with this issue. No one likes to feel left out or to be the last to know, especially a parent (when it comes to their children).

    Every family has the right to chose how they will approach these issues and decisions, but I certainly believe a good start is good communication and no secrets!

  5. Erica B.

    June 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Will, a 19 year old does NOT have to inform her father that she’s using birth control pills. It’s a wonderful thing that she has a great relationship with her mother that she could involve her. Dad needs to get over his feelings. And the idea that this situation with the daughter is causing distance in their marriage is ridiculous! Dad really needs to check himself! And why was he rummaging through his 19 year old daughter’s things anyway?! Dad needs to learn a thing about boundaries.

  6. Keith Bilbrey

    June 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Excuse me. She may be 19, but she is still my little girl. If she is still living in my house and I’m paying her bills, then I am still “daddy”. The major fact is that “mommy” helped her make the decision and helped her get the pills. That would be HIS partner in the relationship. If she knew about it, then it is expected that the father would have been at least told about it. My phone doesn’t even go off without my wife wanting to know who it is. If she would have gone out and gotten the pills without the knowledge of mom or dad, then I could see the argument for not having to tell him. Trust me, the major pissed-off factor is pointed at mom. Plain and simple she should have told him what was going on. As a father to two girls over the age of 20, I can totally empathize with him and agree totally with how William responded.

  7. Lashell

    June 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

    It’s true that as a 19 yrs she doesn’t have to tell her parents anything as was stated in Will’s response. I empathize with the father, actually. He should have been informed because that IS his child, too…after how ever many years of marriage, we would think that the wife would know to include her husband on a decision like this. Mothers are so important to daughters, but fathers are SUPER important to them. As a 32 yr old woman who has never meant her father, I WISH I had one who cared that much!! Though I have never been sexually active a day in my life, I wish I had a point of reference to go from when it comes to men and how they think. Some people don’t know what they have til they lose it or have never had it at all. If you are single w/ kids, you can make a decision like this is the father isn’t in the picture. But if you’re the wife of a great man who loves you and loves his children…he should have known and been including!! If it’s HIS insurance that got the pills in the first place, he should have known! She may be chronologically an adult at 19, but let her love relationship go south and see if she doesn’t go running to her Daddy.

  8. m.e. johnson

    June 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Will, I get some (most?) of what you say. Yes, they didn’t tell Dad because they knew what his reaction would be. It sounds like he has been a controlling person for years.

    I agree with Erica B. How did he find out about the pills? I’m sure they intended for him to never find out. Maybe he has a buddy he can talk with, then express all his pent-up feelings to the fam, then dammit realize he can’t control daught anymore, then pout forever more. Poor wifey.

  9. Lashell

    June 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

    We don’t know how he found…interesting the wife didnt say how he found them. I, too, think that they didn’t mean for him to know. But why?? It doesn’t sound like he’s been controlling…he sounds like he’s hurt for not being included and more hurt that his wife doesn’t understand that and making his feelings out to be frivolous…we some think the husband needs to get a grip and that he’s been the controlling type for years, is it possible that this isn’t the first time the wife has made major decisions with talking to her husband firs, or kept her husband in the dark on matters involving their family??

  10. Tammy

    June 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Wow, it’s really amazing to see so many women defensive against the girl’s father.
    This isn’t just a ‘daddy’s little girl’ issue. Maybe it’s about informing yourself and your child. As a society, we need to stop this crazy obsession with blindly putting every girl with a pulse and a period on the pill.
    Stop raising kids to believe, not that sex results in babies (the truth) but that only UNPROTECTED sex results in babies. (the lie) No wonder there are so many abortions, if young people think they’re entitled to consequence free sex – it must be pretty shocking to think that maybe your body tricked you and your pregnant, when really – your body did EXACTY what it is designed to do!

    Maybe this dad understands that. Maybe this dad had a relationship when he was younger, which resulted in a ‘surprise’ pregnancy which ended in abortion. Maybe he didn’t have a ‘choice’ about the fate of that child but he’ll be damned if his little girl is going to suffer like that.

    I mean, one would assume parents have done everything they can to keep their daughter alive up until now… why the sudden change in attitude?

    “The World Health Organization classifies the Pill’s synthetic estrogen and progestin as carcinogenic, and a metanalysis of more than fifty studies looking at more than 150,000 women found that women who use hormonal contraceptives before age 20 almost double the risk of developing breast cancer before age 30, compared to those who didn’t use them as teens.”

    What a great idea, parents will be so lucky to support their daughter through cancer treatments before they even have grandchildren.

    Or maybe it would be a blast to raise a developmentally challenged child…
    “The reality is, a good number of women conceive while taking contraceptives. Studies show that the fail rate for women using pills, patches, or vaginal rings ranges from 2 to 7 percent. In fact, half of all pregnancies are unplanned, and those numbers pan out even for women using some form of contraception. Crunch a few quick numbers, and that equals hundreds of thousands of women every year conceiving while their bodies are churning with hormones and chemicals.”

    Is it any surprise, the cases of ADHD or Autism if women are conceiving children in a uterus full of deadly chemicals?

    Maybe if we stopped raising kids to expect that they should expect sex – and raised them to truly understand fertility…. boys and girls… to understand how the body really works when it’s free of deadly chemicals – then maybe they would enjoy full sex lives, in which they accept each other AND one another’s fertility . (see Creighton Model, Billings model, NaPro technology)

    I applaud this dad for wanting to protect his daughter, not from sex, but from a life of misery and health problems.
    I never went on the pill, but if I had, I would have wanted my dad in the conversation, because he was not the type, blind to the fact that you can’t just dose your problems away.

    Source for the quoted FACTS in this post:
    http://www.verilymag.com/features/love-and-living-green/

    For more facts about fertility : IuseNFP.com

  11. D.Marie

    June 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    The father was deceived by two people that he loves most in the world. Why wouldn’t he be upset? Most of this issue lies on the mother’s shoulders. She is suppose to be open and honest with her husband. Wouldn’t she want the same? Yes the daughter is an “adult” now. So why not be “adult” enough to have this conversation with the first man that you loved and trusted?

    By the way..Did anyone get the Incredible Hulk reference? LOL

  12. dianthe

    June 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    i don’t think dad is mad because he wasn’t consulted about the pills – he’s mad because his daughter is having sex and he can’t do anything about it – what would he have said if the wife had come to him beforehand? would he have gone to the OBGYN with them? what if the daughter had come to him and said she was ready to have sex? would he have been prepared for the conversation or would he have hemmed and hawed and sent her to her mother? it’s easy to say woulda/shoulda/coulda but how many men really want to know their daughters are having sex?

    my husband and i just watched the Modern Family episode where Phil found out his daughter was having sex – i asked my husband if he wanted me to tell him when our daughter was having sex (she’s currently 4) – he told me he didn’t even want to think about it – my guess is that this dad probably gave a similar response anytime sex was mentioned in their house – which is why mom & daughter kept quiet about it

    i understand him being upset and he is certainly entitled – but now he needs to get over it – his daughter is an adult and he needs to trust her to make adult decisions – and quit giving his wife and daughter the silent treatment – that’s just immature!

  13. Balancing Jane

    June 2, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    ” Making this kind of a decision without your husband’s input was wrong.” Whoa. What “decision” did the mother make? Her daughter is 19 years old. She is an adult! I agree that if a minor is going to be on birth control, and one of the parents is involved in that decision, that parent shouldn’t hide it from the other one. But that’s not what this is about. This is about an adult deciding to get on birth control and telling her mom about it. She made an adult decision; he doesn’t get a say. In my mind, this is more like her going to her mom to talk over her own decision, one that she’s perfectly entitled to make on her own, and one that she’s perfectly entitled to share (or not share) as she wants.

  14. Rene Syler

    June 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Okay so my thoughts on this matter: I can see both sides of this argument. Before I go on, I will tell you about when I turned 14-years-old and started my period for the first time. I told my mother, naturally and, feeling tired and crampy that night, at dinner, over whatever we were eating, mom turned to me and said, ” Isn’t there something you want to tell dad?” AGHHHHHH ! I wanted to curl up in a ball. No I did not want to, over tuna casserole, tell dad that I just started my period. I didn’t mind her telling him or would have been okay if he assumed. But I did not want to come out and say it myself. I say that to say, there are some things a young woman feels more comfortable going to her mother with. That’s all.
    Now, here’s the part of Will’s argument I agree with; there are things about young men that he can warn his daughter about that perhaps even her mother cannot, like the fact that many of them will do whatever it takes to get you sideways. And perhaps the argument could be made that he should be informed if she is on his insurance plan. But she’s not a kid and the fact that she’s smart enough to know she needs to do what she can to keep from getting pregnant, I think is a good thing; her parents did something right, IMHO. The question is what would he have done if the mother came to him BEFORE his daughter went on the pill? If he still raged on about it, then we’d know the issue was about more than being left out of a decision by two women in his life; it’s about sex. And if that’s the case, instead of being angry, I would hope he would approach it with more concern and a heart for warning her about what lies ahead. The fact is, girls, like boys, have sex. Would the father have reacted as strongly if his son asked him for a box of Trojans? Just my .02

  15. Whitney Eiland

    June 4, 2012 at 8:52 am

    I understand girls going to their mother. My momma TOOK me to my first OB-GYN appointment, sat in the room while I was being examined (wow!) and every month, mailed my birth control pills to me while I was in college. What can I say, she didn’t play, she knew I would become sexually active…hmmm. My daddy knew what was going on, I’ll tell you that much. I was an adult, but my parents were still providing for me, and I was not able to provide for myself financially. I didn’t know what the conversation was between them, but he left it to my momma to do what she thought was right for me at the time, we’re talking 1980.

  16. Will Jones

    June 4, 2012 at 9:38 am

    WOW! Looks like I got a good turnout for this one! And such fire in some of the comments. LOL.

    Normally I’d answer each comment, but I’d basically have to write another piece to do that here, so instead, I’ll just answer some of the stronger comments:

    -“How did dad find the pills?”
    Who knows? Maybe she accidently left them on the bathroom sink. Maybe she still lives in their house. Maybe they fell out of her purse. Maybe he was going through her things. The writer didn’t say, so neither can I. Either way; he found them!

    -“She didn’t have to ask anyone, she’s an adult.”
    But she DID ask, which probably means, on some level, she was unsure about some part of it. We are all “adults” at eighteen, but by thirty, we also realize that, at eighteen, we were adults that didn’t really know a damn thing when it comes to real life, and that we needed all the help we could get.

    -“Well, at least she’s on the pill.”
    Yes, which keeps her from getting pregnant… and that’s all it stops. It doesn’t stop aids or any other STD. If she’s on the pill, does she think unprotected sex is OK now because her teenage boyfriend is “committed?” Does she know that there’s a really good chance he’s lying about his level of commitment? I think we all need to ask ourselves what we thought committed meant at as freshmen in college.

    -“She went to her mom; that should be enough!”
    To this one, every guy who read the piece probably laughed out loud, because guys know that there is a HUGE difference between a girl’s mother being involved in her life and relationships, and her FATHER being involved in them! Yes, moms can try to be scary, and a few of them even succeed, but nothing calms a boy’s hot blood and screaming hormones like the thought of an angry father looking for him. Ladies, if you don’t believe me, ask your husbands on this one.

    -“What if your son asked you for condoms?”
    If my son was nineteen and asked me for condoms, and I th0ought my wife wasn’t aware that he was either sexually active, or about to be, I go STRAIGHT to her with it and ask if she wanted us to all talk, or if she wanted me to handle it. It’s very possible that this dad would have stayed out of the conversation and left it to the wife, but he should have been given that option. What if the daughter had gotten pregnant and asked the father to help her get an abortion but not to EVER tell the mother? How many moms out there would have been ok with that? What if the dad had taken the daughter and put her on the pill at seventeen and told her not to tell the mother? Is that ok? And what’s really the difference between this girl being seventeen and her being nineteen. Is she an adult because the federal government says so? All of these questions are questions we should discuss in our homes with our children… and our spouses.

    -“This isn’t about the pills; he’s really just mad because his daughter is having sex, and he can’t do anything about it.”
    Absolutely! I can almost guarantee this dad didn’t want his daughter having sex before she was married. But there is also a really, really, (REALLY!) good chance that he had sex with this girls mom before they were married, so he’s not blind to the fact that it happens. I don’t think he wants to control her, he just wants to protect her, and who can blame him. It what a dad does, even tough he knows a day will come when he can’t do it anymore. If he knew she wanted the pill, he may have tried to talk her out of it. He may have asked her to wait just a while longer. He may have just told the mom to do what she thought was best. He may have told the daughter, “I know you’re an adult, and this is your decision, but please just be careful with yourself and your body.” You see… know one knows for sure how he would have reacted if given the opportunity; not the mom, not the daughter, and not even the father really knows how well he may have taken it or how good of a job he might have done on this issue. And now, no one ever will.

    Anyway… a big thank you to EVERYONE who sounded off on this one (and a bigger thanks to those who were smart enough to agree with me!) ;-)

    I loved it!!!

  17. Balancing Jane

    June 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Will, I believe that you are speaking out of a place of genuine concern and caring as a father, but can we please unpack some of the assumptions that you’re making in this advice?

    “Yes, moms can try to be scary, and a few of them even succeed, but nothing calms a boy’s hot blood and screaming hormones like the thought of an angry father looking for him. Ladies, if you don’t believe me, ask your husbands on this one.”

    First of all, can we get rid of the idea that teenage boys are full of “hot blood and screaming hormones” and teenage girls somehow AREN’T? I promise you that teenage girls think about sex. They think about it, they talk about it with their friends, they fantasize about it. They are just as hormonal and just as “hot-blooded.” The difference is that girls are taught that they can’t publicly own these things, that these things are shameful. Meanwhile, boys are taught that this is just “boys being boys” and their outbursts of sexuality are much more socially acceptable. Girls are taught that their virginity is a “gift” to be given with care and concern, while boys are taught that their virginity is a mark of ineptitude they must distance themselves from fast and often. There are PLENTY of teenage girls who have lustful thoughts and PLENTY of teenage boys who can get their hearts broken by love.

    ” don’t think he wants to control her, he just wants to protect her, and who can blame him. It what a dad does.”

    For the most part, ALL parents (men and women) want to protect ALL children (girls and boys) from pain and disappointment. But if a father’s idea of “protecting” his little girl is to be an “angry father” forcing a GROWN WOMAN to justify and defend her own sexuality, he’s doing it wrong.

  18. Tiffany T

    June 4, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    My mom knows that if she tells me something, my husband will end up knowing too. Why? Because he’s my husband & I don’t keep secrets from him.

    This dad has every right to be upset. His wife all but lied to him about a sensitive situation that included his daughter.

    Was dad madder about the sex part than the pill part? Probably. However, it’s likely that he wouldn’t have gotten nearly so crazy about it if he’d found out some other way. Finding out that your wife knows that your daughter is sexually active, supported it & then didn’t tell you (or include you) is probably way too much gamma radiation for any one caring father to handle.

    Yes, she’s an adult, but if an adult woman doesn’t want her daddy knowing about her sex life then she shouldn’t be sharing that information with his wife.

  19. Ben

    June 5, 2012 at 6:15 am

    this young woman made a smart responsible decision with the help of her mother. imagine if she felt she couldn’t confide in her mother without dad butting in? she might have kept things to herself, wimped out on the whole birth control thing, and got herself in a world of trouble. sure there are valid reasons for dad to be unhappy with this situation, but the daughter’s health and future are more important than dad’s hurt feelings. if he can’t see past his own crap then mom was right to hide it. and if he is a solid dude, he will soon come around

  20. Will Jones

    June 6, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Jane- It was not an assumption at all to say that young boys are full of hot blood and screaming hormones. I speak on this as a former young boy. Now, of course I speak from a long ago memory, but at least back then, it was normally the boy who tried to initiate the hanky-panky, and normally the girl who decided how far the hanky-panky went. I have a stack of sisters and I’m completely aware of how lusty a young girls thoughts and secret conversations can get (we had thin walls), but even as such, while they may make themselves open to advances I still believe the numbers to be far to the male side over who starts pulling off clothes first. I also know that boys get their hearts broken too, but that’s a question for another day. And as far as dads wanting to protect daughters, I did not mean to say that mothers don’t, but I was speaking from the dad’s point of view on this one. I don’t think he was the “angry father” forcing her to justify anything. I think that ANY father that finds out his daughter is sexually active will want to have some type of conversation on the matter, some more heated then others. I think this father’s anger stemmed from him assuming that he and the wife would form a united front, as parents do, and sit the daughter down and give her a good talking to. Parents don’t like when their children cross the street, but we all know at some age they will have to, so we teach them and prepare them for the day that they are ready. We don’t like it much when our kids start to drive, but we know that they will, so we teach them and prepare them and hope that they’re ready. Sex is the same. No parent loves the idea of their child having sex outside of marriage, but we know that it may happen, so we teach them and prepare them in the hopes that they are ready. I don’t think it’s asking too much to let a dad be part of that.

    Tiffany- FINALLY!!! THANK YOU!!! :-)

    Ben- Butting in to your child’s life is called “parenting” it I’m pretty sure it doesn’t stop at nineteen. If this young woman was completely sure she wanted to be on the pill, I doubt if she would have gone to her mother. And, unless the mother was completely sure of the father’s reaction, which apparently she wasn’t, she should have included him. Being as she’s made it to 19 and not been in that kind of trouble so far, I betting BOTH parents have done a good job at raising her… and if the mother thought that she was right to hide it, or that the father is full of crap anyway, I doubt if she would have written me asking why he’s so upset. Keeping secrets in a marraige is almost never a good idea. Of course, I can only go by what’s written, and ALL OF THIS is just my opinion. I appreciate your comments!

  21. Kennie

    June 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Will. I am a 22 year old girl, and I am so amazingly grateful that I am not your daughter. I feel for your daughters. I get that you don’t want your kids having sex. I even understand why. However, I assume you want them to have happy, safe, and stable sexual relations with their husbands someday. I have friends who’s fathers had similar views. I know from them that it’s REALLY hard to have a healthy view point on sex after you’ve been told that it’s evil for your entire life. A switch isn’t just going to turn off in a girl’s head because she is wearing a ring. By stigmatizing sex, you are sentencing your daughters to a life of associating sex with shame. This is not going to be a healthy dynamic for her and her future husband.
    Now, I was raised in a family where I knew that I could talk to both parents about anything. I usually discuss sexual matters with my mother, because, as a woman, she understands my needs and concerns best. I feel like my mom probably told my father about most of my discussions with her, but she knew that if I asked her about something and asked her “not to tell dad” it would be best if she didn’t.
    Guess what? This trust I had in my mom to listen and help me in the strictest confidence? It gave me the courage to go to my mom when I was raped last year. I know that there’s no way I could have dealt with talking to my dad about it before I was ready. If I’d had to have waited until then, my rapist probably would have gotten off scott-free. My dad understands that by mom keeping some of my confidences, my mom isn’t trying to exclude him. She is creating a safe space for my sisters and I to feel comfortable telling her anything. This safe space allows my mother to listen to even our worst confessions and fears and help us deal with them, allowing us the wisdom of her years and experience. I can guarantee that without it, we just wouldn’t tell her those confessions and fears, and would instead try to manage them on our own. I can also say honestly that a 22 year old needs advice and guidance or she will make some stupid decisions/costly mistakes.
    I only have two more things to add:
    Having been a girl in love, and talking to other girls in love, I can tell you with about 99.9% certainty that not being on the pill will stop very few girls from having sex, if they want to. Hate to burst your bubble, but it’s true. I would think that as a father, you’d prefer your little girl to have every protection possible.

    Also, any grown man who deals with family disputes by giving his wife and daughter the silent treatment is probably not amazingly mature. If he had gone to them and expressed why it bothered him so much, they wouldn’t be having this issue and would know to include him/inform him the next time something like this comes up. Instead, all they know now is that dad will turn into a grumpy, manipulative man who utilizes high-school-like tactics when faced with the subject of his daughter’s sex life. I feel like this will just encourage mom and daughter to be more careful about things they feel they need to hide from him.

    I’d like to take a moment to thank my mother for guarding my secrets, and my father for understanding that she needs to.

  22. Jeremy M

    October 5, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    Well
    I can relate to this father 100%. My daughter was 16 when I found out. She’s 17 now. It is brutal when you find out especially when you’ve been cool to the young punk boyfriend just to make every one happy. Can you see my hulk biceps splitting my shirt now??

  23. TechyDad

    January 9, 2013 at 10:56 am

    I sympathize with the father and Will on this matter. I think the appropriate counter-example would be a father with his sons. I have two young boys. Suppose they get of age to be sexually active and I buy them a package of condoms but keep my wife in the dark about their activities. Then, my wife finds some condoms hidden in their backpack one day. Would she be angry at me? Sure. Would she have good reason to be? Definitely.

    Parenting is a team event. Both partners should share in the responsibilities and should discuss how they are going to act. One partner shouldn’t keep the other partner in the dark about anything without good reason. (Surprise birthday party = good reason. Teen having sex = not good reason.)

    The dad has been forced to not only process his little girl being sexually active (a hard thing for dads to process to begin with), but his partner keeping him in the dark as if he wasn’t important at all in this matter. He didn’t even find out via an admission but by accident (meaning the wife and daughter planned to continue keeping him in the dark). He deserves an apology from his wife for excluding him like that and time to process everything.

  24. Christina Gleason @ WELL, in THIS House

    January 9, 2013 at 10:57 am

    I was 19. I didn’t want to tell EITHER of my parents I was having sex, but my mom could tell I was hiding something from her even over our next phone call when I was three hours away. She scheduled an OB/GYN appointment for the next time I came home, and I ended up on the Pill. I never told my dad, but I have a feeling my mom did…we just all pretended that no one knew. I was so mortified.

    I don’t think this dad has the right to be angry at his daughter about this. She’s an adult, and it’s up to her to decide who she feels comfortable talking to about this. Especially if she suspected he was going to be angry about it.

    As for being angry at the mom, I see more justification for that. My son’s only 7 now, but we’ve already developed a policy of “I don’t care who you tell, as long as you tell SOMEONE when there’s something important going on” – and information sharing between adults when it comes up. BUT if the dad has a history of anger management issues or abusive behavior, perhaps the mom was making a necessary judgment call.

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