Dear Rene:
I have a family problem. My 40-year-old brother and his 30-year old-girlfriend have been FREELOADING for five years. I let them live in my guest home and given them a car to drive, My brother has a job but he owes about $25,000 in back child support, so they take a big chunk from his check weekly. His girlfriend, meanwhile, sleeps until noon everyday does not help out at all. I cook dinner every night and she comes in and serves herself and my brother without ever asking if I need help or even offer to help clean up!
I have sat them down talked to them and told her she must work or go to school but I am being ignored! Last week I told them that there are four adults living here and only two are contributing to the finances that keep this household running!
The biggest problem is my mother she feels so sorry for him she enables him and her; if I toss them out they will run to my mother who I know cannot support them financially as she’s retired and living on a fixed income.
I’m afraid they will never leave and worry that my brother’s girlfriend will end up pregnant, putting him in an even worse situation.
What do I do? Please advise!
Desperate for help
Dear Desperate:
Yeah, you have a problem alright and perhaps the most difficult thing for you to accept is that it is one of your own making.That doesn’t mean there’s not a solution but it’s going to be uncomfortable and require you to get tough. Really tough. Here’s what I would do if if I were you.
TALK TO YOUR BROTHER: Get him alone, without the girlfriend and have the ol’ “Come to Jesus” chat. You have to clear the air on this in a meeting with just the two of you. The reason I don’t recommend including the girlfriend is that you share a history with your brother that you don’t have with her. I’m hoping you can tap into that part of him that is compassionate and he’ll remember that you are his flesh and blood, not the landlady.
In that meeting you will have two sheets of paper with you. One will be a spreadsheet of household expenses. I think most people would have enough sense to know that adding two extra bodies to the mix is going to result in an increase in certain things but for the moment, let’s give your brother (and the girlfriend) the benefit of the doubt and assume they don’t know. Show him the light bill, the heat, the water and food costs. Then, when you’re clear on that, slide the next sheet of paper across the table. That is a LEASE agreement. Because here’s the thing, Desperate; these two are not going to wake up one morning with an attack of conscience. And why in the hell would they? If I could live rent-free, sleep until noon and have dinner prepared for me every night, I’d be a damn fool to turn that down! Do you see where I’m going here? They have it good. The two of them have a first class ticket on the gravy train and they are not going to do anything on their own to change that.
It sounds as though your brother is not in any position to pay rent but there are certainly other ways he and his girlfriend could help out. They could do chores around the house, help with the meal prep, mow the lawn, wash the cars, clean toilets; I mean please, I can think of a thousand ways they could contribute that don’t include money. You may have to include a third sheet of paper in the meeting, a chore chart. And do not ask; ASSIGN! Chipping in with the chores is the price they’ll pay to live there rent-free. And don’t take no for an answer.
Now, I would like to think your brother will have enough love and respect for you that he would sign the lease, understanding it’s only fair for them to carry their share of the load. But if he refuses or signs but does not follow through, well, let’s just say that’s where the “get tough” part of the equation comes in.
TAKE ACTION: Desperate, I know you love your brother. I know you are worried he and his girlfriend will take advantage of your mother. You might be worried about a whole host of other issues. But ask yourself this question; can you live like this for the next ten years, maybe more? I think you know the answer, otherwise you wouldn’t have written me. Of course you can’t. You will grow to resent the two of them for taking your kindness for weakness. But if that happens you will have no one but yourself to blame.
You can clear all this up real quick. If you have a signed agreement from him and they don’t uphold their end of the bargain, go into the guesthouse, grab their stuff and put it (and them) out on the street. Then change the locks because it’s over. They have forgotten how the real world works because, trust me, a bank carrying their mortgage wouldn’t let them go five years without paying a dime. Why should you?
Here’s the one fly in the ointment: your mother. If and/or when you kick your brother and the girlfriend out, as you said there is a chance they will go to your mother. So if you have to take this step, warn your mother in advance so she can decide what to do. You may have to nudge her a bit but at the end of the day, it’s not your problem if she feels sorry for them and allows herself to be taken advantage of. The one exception to this is if she were incapable of making sound decisions and caring for herself, in which case, I would say, shame on your brother.
This situation has to change and fast. It’s not good for you financially and you’re really hobbling them by letting them live this way. Want to help your brother? Give him the gift of tough love.
Good luck!
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