Ask The Good Enough Guy: I’m Not Attracted To My Balding Boyfriend!

 

Hi Will:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years. The problem is that we have always been a “cute couple” since we started dating in high school. Well, that image/title has always been something I’ve been proud of. But now Dave is now losing his hair and I don’t know what to do. It bothers me so much! I cringe every time I see him put on a hat. That tells me he KNOWS he’s losing his hair and isn’t doing anything about it! I want to bring up the issue, but I don’t know how. He is still very attractive to me, but bald men are NOT attractive, which is why there is a billion dollar industry devoted to fixing hair loss. Is there a sensitive way to broach this topic or should I just love him as is?

Missing His Hair

 

Hey MHH,

You started dating in high school, and you’ve been together seven years so basic math says you’re in your early twenties. With all due respect, that means you probably aren’t old enough to know better, which is why I’m not locked onto your leg and shaking you like T-Rex right now. Instead, I’ll let you in on a couple facts. Please read, then re-read them until they actually sink in:

FACT 1. EVERYONE IS CUTE IN THEIR 20′S.  If you don’t believe me, find any 40-year-old and ask them to show you  a picture of themselves at 25. I’ll bet you an orange scone that they say, “Those clothes and that hair looked ridiculous but, DAMN, I was sexy!”

FACT 2. YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT BEING THE “CUTE COUPLE”. Do your think you friends sit around talking about how cute you two are? How conceited maybe, but not cute. They may pay the compliment to your face, because obviously it makes you all warm and fuzzy, but trust me, they really don’t care.

FACT 3. YOU AREN’T AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. How do I know this without ever seeing you? It’s simple: people who think that are NEVER as attractive as they think they are (not even me, and I’m freaking gorgeous!). So find yourself a pretty hammer and some pretty nails and build a pretty bridge high enough to get over yourself.

Okay, I’m betting that wasn’t as fun for you as it was for me, but if you’re still reading, let’s dig a little deeper. What exactly would you want your follicly-challenged boyfriend to do if the shoe were on the other foot? Women lose their hair everyday for a multitude of reasons. Let’s say you wake up tomorrow with only a couple of hairs left on that pretty little head of yours… just enough for a Homer Simpson comb-over.

-Would you feel embarrassed?

-Would you feel ugly?

-Would you try to hide your head under a wig or a maybe hat?

-Would you feel like everyone was staring?

-And who exactly would you count on to make you feel beautiful again?

-Do you think he’d stay by your side and try to make you comfortable, or would he give you a couple of Benny Hill smacks on your bald head and run off with a cuter girl?

-Would he tell you to try drugs with possible sexual side-effects to re-grow your hair?

-What would you want him to do?

Here’s a shocker for you: About three years ago I found out that I have vitiligo. “What the hell is that?” you ask? It’s a skin disease. It doesn’t itch or hurt or make me sick. It isn’t contagious. There are really no physical symptoms at all. The only thing that happens is, little by little, the pigment cells in my skin stop making color, so I get these tiny white spots that get bigger and bigger (yes, like Michael Jackson). Funny thing is there is NO CURE. You can try to cover it with make-up or tanning creams, but none of them actually work. So eventually the spots will cover my entire body; my face, my arms and legs, my scalp… everywhere. I’ll be completely white, like that kid in the movie “Powder,” but with better hair.

You’ve probably seen people who have it. You may have thought the spots were birthmarks , maybe burns. But while you were trying to figure it out, you were probably staring at them (I get that quite a bit.) The spots on my face are somewhat noticeable, but not nearly as much the ones on my hands.

When they first started to grow, I can’t explain how self-conscious I was. This may sound conceited, but I’m used to being one of the best looking guys in a room (yeah, that definitely sounds conceited). I’m used to having women stare at me… but now they weren’t thinking how cute I was; they were wondering what had happened to my face.

BUT… the one woman who never batted an eye was the one I asked to be my wife nineteen years ago. When the dime-sized spots on my face felt like they were the size of pie plates, she assured me that she could barely see them and that I was being silly. When I felt ugly and wanted to hide, she told me I was still as gorgeous and walked hand-in-hand with me through the mall. When I was sure people were staring because I looked like the elephant-man, she told me women were staring because I was handsome, and that they’d better stop because I was all hers. It also helped that my wife is freaking hot and still wanted me.

And after a while, I started to feel attractive again. Now I’m at a place where I’ve decided that, the spots are just part of my transformation: I used to be one of the hottest black guys around and now, eventually, I’ll be one of the hottest white guys around (yep, I’m conceited again).

Let me save you some time; he’s going to go bald. Your breasts are going to sag. One day, God willing, both of you will get wrinkly and old. The question is, will you still be in love when it happens? What I’m saying is, if you really love him, his hair shouldn’t matter enough to bother you, and if it bothers you too much to be with him, then he isn’t really the problem, is he?

I suggest you take a good, hard look at him… and yourself… and decide what really matters. Cute couples are a dime a dozen and they split everyday but real love is rarer than diamonds and even harder to break. It’s your call.

William Jones is originally from the tiny town of Alton, Illinois, and now lives in the tinier town of Reisterstown, Maryland. He is a happy husband and a proud father of three, and writes as a hobby, in those few moments he finds between husbanding and daddy-ing. Follow him on Twitter @goodenoughguy1

Rene Syler is a wife, mother, breast cancer advocate and television personality whose burning desire to tell the truth about modern motherhood led her to create GoodEnoughMother.com . When not spending time with her family or burning something for dinner, Rene travels the country as host of Sweet Retreats on The Live Well Network and Exhale on Aspire.

10 Comments

  1. Sarah

    January 21, 2012 at 10:02 am

    You are SO right on with this one! And you are definitely hot, but tell your wife not to worry, I’m already happily married ;-)

  2. Ella Rucker

    January 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Tell them how you really feel, Will! I loved it. Very good advice. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Cody Williams

    January 21, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Wow! First Will you could have ended this with Fact #3. That’s all she really deserved.

    But you put whipped cream and a cherry on top. My mother used to say “the only way you don’t get old and ugly is if you die young.”

    This woman is the very reason I sometimes used to wish that I were fat and bald. I told myself that people who fell for fat and bald guys did it for the right reason, love. I kept attracting the shallow and superficial, and for all the wrong reasons. But, those were my insecurities.

    Glad you decided to peel a layer or two off the onion. Didn’t know the vitiligo thing. I marvel at how, when faced what would have been a crippling career stopper Michael Jackson just put on a sequined glove to cover up his spots and went on to make history.

    Great response.

  4. SwimStar001

    January 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    “. . . and build a pretty bridge high enough to get over yourself.” LOL!!!

    Brilliant post, and let me tell you as someone who went bald in his 20′s and is now in his 40′s, it sucks to lose your hair, but it’s actually not bad at all once it’s gone. Luckly there are plenty of beautiful women out there who LOVE bald men. I should know, I married one of them. And you’d be hard-pressed to convince my pretty blonde wife that her bald-headed, athletic 40-something husband with a swimmer’s build, flat stomach and ripped abs is not sexy! (had to brag a little bit!)

    To the girl in her 20′s who wrote in, I’m guessing you haven’t lived long enough to have had any actual real-life problems if this is the main concern in your world. Just remember, the shoe will be on the other foot one day, and you’ll be wishing someone loved you unconditionally for whatever reason arises. If you simply can’t get past this you should just leave the poor guy and let him find someone who WILL love him unconditionally. He’ll be better off in the long run, and you won’t have to be subjected to this hideous condition of his! If he’s really a good guy I’m fairly certain there are a lot of women out there who would love to take him off your hands. . . hair or no hair.

    Good luck!

  5. Mike McGinley

    January 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Wow, Will, I never heard of vitiligo, but great that you mentioned it in this piece as it helped make your point that looks shouldn’t matter if the love is there.

  6. Tracy

    January 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Good for you! People are too concerned with looks. People used to tell me and hubby that we were a cute couple (strangers even), ok, it only happened a couple of times, but I never assumed they meant our looks (I actually have a pretty low self-esteem so that’s not the first place my thoughts went), instead I figured it was because of the way we interacted. We were playful and teased each other a lot. Now, about 10 years after we first started dating, 2 kids and plenty of stress, we both have gained weight, and my body has changed, but he still finds me attractive, and I still think he’s hot (think Colin Farrell). If we went based on looks, we wouldn’t still be together.

  7. m.e. johnson

    January 21, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Good call, Will (and you others). I usually read about the fancy-schmancy doctor who is ashamed of his dowdy wife after she slaved to put him thru med school.
    If he hasn’t already, he’ll soon pick up on how she feels. Wouldn’t want to be her then.

  8. Will Jones

    January 22, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Sarah- Thank you for the compliments. The only thing I like hearing more than how right I am is how hot I am! :-)

    Ella- Yeah, I really have to stop candy-coating everything. LOL. I’m really glad you liked it.

    Cody- I couldn’t cut her off at #3: when I was 20, the world revolved around how great I looked too! LOL. whether we’re looking for food, shelter, or a mate, humans hunt by sight. Getting past the physical is hard but necessary if a relationship is going last. I was extrememly blessed in that department. I found the only woman in the world who would have put up with me for this long! She’ll tell you, once she got past how much of a pain the the butt I can be, a few spots were nothing!!! Always good to hear from you, Bruh.

    SwimStar001- GREAT POINTS! There are literally billions of women crying the blues about how they’d do anything to find a good man… and then you have the smart few who understand that good doesn’t mean perfect. Every man is gonna be too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, too light, too dark, too bald, or too hairy for them. But what they don’t understand is, if they ever did find an absolutley perfect man, they wouldn’t stand a chance with him, because they’d be too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, etc, etc! I say the trick is to find somebody that you love so much that even their flaws are too cute for you to live without. Thanks for the great comment.

    Mike- Actually, one of the main reasons I mentioned the vitiligo is for the folks that had never heard of it. About one in 200 people have it in every race and every country. Of course you wouldn’t notice it as much on fair-skinned people, but the actual numbers are the same. It usually starts right around 20 or so, but it can start at any age. it can start on any part of the body. It may spread quickly or spread slowly. It may start and then stop. It may cover the whole body or go away completely. The crazy part is that it’s all one big variable that can’t be controlled. But it doesn’t DO anything other than change the appearance. I sometimes forget I have it until I see some stranger trying to figure out what it is. LOL. I don’t mind the strange looks anymore, but there are a lot of children that have it, and I can only imagine the hell it would put a kid through or a teenager who doesn’t feel like he fits in anyway. So I figure, the more people I educate, the less people who’ll stare. And if you want to help too, tell someone you know to read my article! ;-)

    Tracy- Your absolutely right! To me, the cutest couples in the world are the ones with gray hair that still walk hand-in-hand. To me, that says that they’ve been beautiful to each other for years. That’s who I want to be. The “beautiful people” in Hollywood think they’re doing great if they can make a relationship last past a year. No thanks!
    It’s great to hear from you, and great to hear that you and the hubby still have the hots for each other!

    M.E. I’ve read that story, or some form of it, a hundred times. To me, thinking that someone else has to look a certain way to be with you is about as selfish as a person can be. My dad used to to say, “If all you think about is yourself, then blame yourself when you find yourself all by yourself.”
    It’s great to hear from you! I always look forward to your comments. :-)

  9. Pingback: Good Enough Mother® » Ask The Good Enough Guy: Is My Marriage In Trouble?

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