Okay, deep breath!
I am going to try to be measured in my response, to be sympathetic and not judge, figuring I don’t understand because I’m on the outside looking in.
But I’m not exaggerating when I say after reading this article in Redbook Magazine called “Why Don’t I Like My Own Child?” I feel sick to my stomach. Gross.
When you read what ‘Jennifer’ wrote, you’ll understand why the 41-year-old mother of two told her story under an assumed name. Mothers are supposed to love, nurture and protect; it’s how nature ensures survival of the species. And while we know there are differing opinions as to what constitutes a good mother, hearing a woman say she is repelled by her own offspring, flies in the face of every reasonable opinion out there. Here’s how the Today show reported the story after Natalie Morales interviewed the mom in question…
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Jennifer’s tale reminded me of another story we debated a few weeks ago, when another mother (who actually did identify herself) admitted that she thought she loved her son more than her daughter. The reaction that time was swift and virulent. But at the of this interview, the editor of Redbook talks about how we should commend Jennifer for being brutally honest about her feelings of failure as a mother. You want brutal honesty? How about a little from Good Enough Mother? “Hey lady, this is not about you!”
In fact there were a number of things that bothered me about this interview but here were the ones I found to be most offensive:
‘JENNIFER’ PLACED EXPECTATIONS ON THE CHILD BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN BORN: No, scratch that, from before she was even CONCIEVED!
Jennifer writes, “Growing up, I had hoped to someday have a daughter, and I had a clear vision of what she would be like: vivacious, spunky, and whip-smart, socially savvy and self-assured. What I got was the polar opposite.” Really? Well boo, frickin’ hoo! Growing up I thought I’d be rich; at the very least I didn’t think life would be as hard as it’s turned out to be. But you don’t see me sittin’ around wringing my hands and asking, “Why me?” I’m playing the hand I was dealt. Kids don’t come with a receipt and a money-back guarantee if they aren’t just as you imagined. Oh and by the way, things are ALWAYS better in our imagination.
‘JENNIFER’ VIEWED HER DAUGHTER’S EVERY MOVE THROUGH A LENS OF FAILURE: Jennifer says, “I thought she would be vivacious and smart and loving and make intense eye contact” She says that Sophie was a poor sleeper, a poor eater and didn’t meet the developmental milestones laid out in the books that she had read.
Okay, really? This is just about the place my head pops off. What if Sophie was shy and needed a little more coaxing? And you mean to tell me Jennifer had already made a decision that her daughter was not smart based on her immature interpersonal skills? She was a baby for God’s sake! Give her a chance to develop those things over time. And speaking of development, while there are milestones to be met, development happens at an individual pace. I did have to laugh out loud when Jennifer told Natalie that it was not too much to expect her baby to eat or sleep. Um, hello? She must not have read many books on newborns. Sheesh.
‘JENNIFER’S’ RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SECOND DAUGHTER: Jennifer tells Natalie that when her second child was born, she finally knew what it was like to have two hearts beat as one. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Now, against the prism of the perfect second child, she can see what’s so wrong and “off” about the first one. She writes that while her other daughter thrived, Sophie was constantly letting her down. Again, for this mother, it’s all about her. The daughter she is most proud of is the one most like her, strong and robust. It underscores the feeling that Jennifer really wanted her kids to be a shrine to her, a reflection of herself that she could show the world. Jennifer could be proud of her younger daughter; but not so with Sophie who was a source of constant disappointment.
Sophie was ultimately diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency and now that she’s being treated for that, Jennifer says their relationship is better. But do we really think that’s the panacea? It’s my sincere hope that Jennifer learns to loosen up and, like a psychologist told her early on, accept Sophie for the child she is, not the one Jennifer wishes she were. I hope for Sophie’s mental health and well being, her mother is up to that task.
Okay, that’s my take, what about you? How did you feel watching this segment? Can you understand a mother feeling that way about her child? Have you come across similar stories in your own life? Comment away…
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I think this woman kept pushing until she got a diagnosis she could hitch her wagon to. Seriously, if you don’t like your child, YOU need to get help, not them.
I really feel so sorry for Sohpie. I hope her mom gets help before too much damage is done.
OMG really wow, I am a new mother my son is 6 months old. I have no expectations of him, he is who he is and will be because he has 2 wonderful parents that love him unconditionally. Which Jennifer obviously does not do for Sophia. How can you not like your child when she hasn’t even gotten a chance to live. I can surely say that it will effect her child’s personality. I bet she can see that she loves her sister more. I believe she is probably part of her daughters lack of development. There are so so so many things I want to say but despite of my inflamed mind Im lost at words lol I could just spit fire….
This is similar to a story u posted a while back of the woman who put her job over her children, and as UNPOPULAR as my view was then it perhaps will be now as I applaud this woman for being “honest” with herself. This scenario could have gone tragically the “other” way. Also I do believe there IS a double standard in regards to women because women have the expectations to be perfect. MOTHERS are human and not all women are capable in some capacities to fully deal with the duties of parenthood. I pray that a positive out come comes for both the mother and child and that they receive the help that they need.
@Deon I would agree to an extent except that woman loved her kids. This woman talks about how she was “repelled” by her daughter. From day one. I find her honesty disheartening and sad.
I see your point but if that was how she felt, THAT WAS HOW SHE FELT. The only issue that would have , and Im not sure if this was revealed, would be if she did not make the effort correct the issue. That would mean that simply she didnt give a shit. And THAT I’d have strong concerns.
Oh, this concerns much. I have personal knowledge of a mother who did this to her two daughters. They were both great girls — smart, talented, just different. But, in mother’s eyes Daughter #1 was never good enough; Daughter #2 was perfect. By teen years, daughter #1 attempted suicide multiple times. Daughter #1 got pregnant, got married, had four kids, and then divorced. She was shunned by mom. She lost custody of the kids to the father. She went to jail for petty crimes. Daughter #2 was supported throughout high school with a blossoming sports career, went to college. Got pregnant, got married, got divorced. No shunning by mom. Daughter #2 is remarried now, with lots of weekly childcare from now-grandma. In now-grandma’s eyes: Daughter #2′s kids are “perfect.” Daughter #1′s kids are “damaged.” Makes me angry just to think about it. Yes, there are long-term affects.
I understand the comments that this woman can’t help feeling what she feels, and I usually try not to attack people who are obviously in a position that’s easy to attack, but this was so hard to stomach. I think the part that bothers me the most is that she was clearly determining her child’s worth based not on any inherent human value, but pretty much entirely on what society said her daughter “should” be doing. When she said “I don’t think it’s too high of an expectation for her to sleep. I don’t think it’s too high of an expectation for her to hit the milestones.” Wow. And then when she says that the diagnosis of a growth disorder changed her perspective from a “me vs. my daughter” to an “us vs. the disorder.” She had to have something to be against; she never once considered accepting her daughter as a human being, which is a common decency that we expect people to extend to strangers, let alone their own children.
WoW Rene! You took the majority of my words right out of my mouth!! It’s like we were in sync or something!! What I might add is this: everyone is not meant to be a mother. Jennifer……like spades, I’m seeing two and “a possible.” Another thing, although I’m glad therapists are involved with THE MOM, who the hell is involved with Sophie? She’s not a dumb kid and she needs all the love, support and help that she’s obviously never gotten from her mom all her life. Now she has to watch her sister and mom bond and have her mom “blame” her withdrawal of love and affection and support on her diagnosis? It makes no sense!! This is the kind of child I worry about that really needs a better living situation, be it foster, a distant relative, SOMEBODY else!!
My grandmother did the same thing to my mother. It’s taken my mother years to get over the long-term damage it caused. My grandmother also didn’t care much for my uncle either but my mom got the brunt of the negative feelings. And my mom was her second child! Nothing was ever good enough. Both my mother and uncle were extremely smart and did very well at everything they did growing up. Luckily, my mom and I are extremely close and always have been. My parents divorced when I was very young and I was an only child so it was just the two of us. My mother never got ANY support emotionally from my grandparents or any support from my father. I was very lucky to have such an incredible role model for what a strong woman should look like. And when my own marriage fell apart, I got the unconditional love and support my mom never got from my grandparents because she knew what it felt like to be shunned by one’s parents. I also have the financial support from my ex – something my mother never got from my father – so I know how lucky I am on both counts. I pray for this little girl … this can cause long-term damage to so many people.
I saw this story aired this morning on the Today Show. I literally felt sickened by hearing the interview. What a POS this “mother” is. What a sad story and a sorry piece of you know what for a human being.
As a mom, I am absolutely heartbroken for Sophie. My prayer is that GOD will allow her to know what it is to be genuinely and unconditionally loved by someone in her lifetime. Jennifer is morally reprehensible and a prime example of why sociopaths should NEVER reproduce.
Oh my goodness, I felt nauseous watching the segment…just sick to my stomach…Look, I am the first to say that I am not a perfect parent and I recognize how very hard it is sometimes to be a mom, and yes, there are times when my kids irritate the bejeezus out of me, BUT the segment above is a whole different thing…That mom needs help, psychological help, truly…my heart breaks for “Sophie” …when a child enters the world, he or she starts immediately to take in messages from his or her parents, spoken and unspoken…and the message that Sophie has heard all of her life is “if my mom doesn’t love and value me, then I am unlovable and I have no value”…and it doesn’t matter who else in her life showers her with affection, all she knows is that the person who is supposed to treasure her THE MOST doesn’t treasure her AT ALL….heartbreaking….
I’m flabbergasted but at the same time, I’m concerned. I wonder if this maybe started as postpartum and evolved into something deeper. I’ve seen first hand how a mom with postpartum doesn’t bond with their child right away and that cause later problems.
Even if that was the issue, at some point, Mom needs to get over herself. Once she realized her daughter wasn’t hitting milestones, it should have registered for her to get the child tested. But because the child wasn’t meeting her expectations, she didn’t care.
At this point, this mom needs to go to therapy to find out what her deal is. I’m sure she’s not the only mom who has felt this way and I actually applaud her for speaking out so candidly. My hope is that parents who feel this way will take note and that this woman realizes what she is saying and get the necessary help.
Also, I wonder how she made the decision to have a second child. To me, that illustrates that she didn’t recognize any deficiency in her own reaction to her child. She laid the blame squarely on the child herself, and she decided a “better” child would give her the experience she wanted. So sad.
For goodness sake, sometimes silence is golden lady. If you truly had such awful feelings maybe you shouldn’t BROADCAST IT! I hope poor little Sophia (who I would be thrilled to take into my home and love along with my other 6 children, who are all different, unique, and special in their own ways!) never ever finds out her mother wrote this. Can you imagine the psychological hurt and trauma??!! I’d say Jennifer needs to learn a simply little concept I teach my kids daily “Put others first. It’s NOT about you, it’s about serving others and beign a blessing to them”
sad. Just pathetically, horribly sad.
Mrs P
Too much negative judgement of this woman. She put herself out there and she is judged so harshly. IMO its that old thing that makes other feel like they are the better mom. If everyone was truly honest they would admit at having some kind of expectation for their child before birth or conception. I surely envisioned what motherhood would be like before kids and what our relationship would be like. I’m still learning how to be the best mom to my kids. My kids eat junk food, watch tv and sometimes go to bed without a bath. Those things dont happen everyday. I lose my temper and yell or send them to their room or trivial stuff. May only the perfect mother judge this person.
@Nicole: Losing your temper over trivial stuff or sending your kids to bed without a bath is VERY different from being “repelled” by them. There is not a mother in the world who wouldn’t admit to not liking her kid once in a while. But to say you have NEVER liked them? Never, ever? Sophie is getting shots to help with her hormone deficiency; too bad there’s nothing like that for her mother’s emotional development which is clearly stunted.
A mother might be CONCERNED about her daughter’s delayed development, but to be REPELLED signifies a deeper psychological problem in the mother. It seems to me that this mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She should read Karyl McBride’s book on how maternal narcissism can affect daughters for the rest of their lives, and she should absolutely seek psychotherapy, maybe even to understand how the way she was raised might be affecting her attitude toward her daughter. Perhaps she herself, growing up, felt pressure to be “vivacious, spunky and smart” in order to please her parents. Cognitive-behavioral therapy would probably be a huge help to her in recognizing that the world doesn’t revolve around her expectations.
@Karen: EXACTLY! To be worried is one thing but repelled signifies something much deeper and dangerous in my mind. Thanks for weighing in
I felt sick the more I watched this story! Unlike the magazine exec, I don’t give “credit” to this woman for being ‘brutally’ honest. She judged her child before the baby could even form an identity. Ridiculous. This sounds like someone struggling with feelings of inadequacy within themselves! I hope she gets the help she needs so that her daughter can receive the nurturing she deserves.
The chief editor from Redbook, Jill Herzig, who said she gives credit to her for “being brutally honest about her failings as a mother,” is way off base. This interview, and the article in Redbook, does not show her admitting failings as a mother, it shows what she thought is/was wrong with her daughter. Luckily, the psychiatrist, Janet Taylor said this should not be about blaming the child.
I agree with Smarty P. Jones about the possible postpartum.
It could also just be that this mom is a complete snot. Rene, you said, “The daughter she is most proud of is the one most like her, strong and robust.” But the other daughter could remind her of what she doesn’t like about herself as well.
My biggest issue, besides what she is doing to this poor little girl, is her expectations before the daughter was even born. Before my son was born, my biggest concern was if I was going to be a GEM!
I can’t view the video right now but just reading the article was enough.
What a selfish woman. What an awful mother. And I am not convinced she has mended her ways.
Anyone with a “different” child struggles with giving up their reasonable expectations of what having a child was going to be like so that they can love and nurture the child they have. It IS a disappointment at first to realize your child is not “normal”, and I know a lot of women who have special kids but none of them were repelled by their own children. And once you realize your kid isn’t “normal”, you quickly move beyond that to how can I help my child live a fulfilled life. You don’t dwell on their perceived failings. What a terrible woman.
I just viewed the above video again and the thing that stands out for me is, if “Jennifer” is being so brutally honest about her feelings, then why not show her face and divulge her name? And where is the husband in all this? I just can’t wrap my mind around this. I understand I don’t know this woman or her husband or her children so who am I to say anything, but if you’re going to be honest about something, don’t go halfway. It seems a bit cowardly. I also don’t believe for one second that the mother wanted to write this to ‘help’ other parents in the same boat. I personally feel it’s a load of crap. Obviously this really touched a nerve with me. I have three kids and I love them fiercely, and although some days I feel as if I’m in the fast lane to crazy, there is absolutely nothing that could ever make me feel ‘repelled’ by any one of them. I never grew up daydreaming about having kids, in fact, I never thought I would. But, oh, boy, when I had them? I couldn’t imagine my life without them and I would pitch myself under a bus many times for them. They all have their different and sometimes very difficult personalities to deal with, but that’s what makes them unique! We don’t, as parents, have to love all their behaviors, but to be repelled? Keep it to yourself unless you are looking for attention, which to me sounds like what this is all about. This woman is starved for attention somehow.
This should NOT even be published. It makes me SICK! Why have children if you don’t think they are going to measure up?
If she’s crying and wouldn’t socialize, why the hell didn’t they take her to a doctor or psychologist?
Geez…I’m 50 years old and wish I could have had children. I would love to be a mom. Unfortunately, I’m not. It’s sad to read/see stuff like this and to hear parents say they don’t like their children! Nice!
K. Guess the consensus is 99.9% think this “mother” is a POS. I’ll bet you 50 bucks she’s an Rh negative Nephilim.
Besides being an extremely sad situation for the daughter (both daughters…can you imagine the guilt that the “good daughter” is going to feel when she recognizes mom doesn’t love her sister?) I think it speaks more to our society and how we love to shine the spotlight on people who are dysfunctional.
The reason this story ran in the magazine is because it would garuntee readers, create controversy, and make all of us gasp at how horrible she is, not unlike all the “reality” shows we watch so we can be horrified that people do stupid, destructive things to other people.
And a little part of me wonders if the story is true. Balloon Boy’s dad wanted a reality show, Botox Mom wanted publicity, what if this mom wanted some attention too? I know, call me jaded.
Yes, I feel extremely bad for the daughters, but I also feel sad that the article ran in the first place because it carried with it a shock factor that would enure publicity. Ugh!
I completely agree! Thank you for writing this! I am a new mom to a 7 month old girl and was watching the Today Show when this came on and was disgusted! How can someone be disappointed even before the baby is born? Children are born completely innocent. They have no idea that we set milestones for them to achieve. They all grow at their own pace and our jobs as mothers is to help them and encourage them – not to tell them that they have failed even before they know what “fail” means! That poor Sophie – a nurturing, caring parent would be concerned that she wasn’t making eye contact and seek the counsel and advice of doctors and other caregivers – not be repelled. This mother has something wrong with her – she needs counseling immediately. This will not bode well for her or her daughters (yes, both) in the long-run. If she wants to be honest, then so be it – yes, mothers get frustrated (I did when my daughter and I had a hard time nursing), but did I like my daughter less? NO! She was a BABY and had no rational thoughts or any way to communicate them. Come on, Jennifer, grow up. It is not about YOU anymore!
Whoa…I pretty much lived this (the daughter and without a sister). My mother placed expectations on me before she even “knew me” and I must say, the effects have been long lasting and extremely difficult (and expensive) to overcome. To this day when I see a mother nurturing their child or praising them, it seems like odd behavior to me….totally unfamiliar. The only positive thing that I can say is that maybe by putting this out there some mom somewhere will wake up and realize what she is doing before the harm is done. This is TOXIC behavior and can ruin a child’s life before they even have a chance to live!
Sophie needs play time, lots of love, hugs, kisses, mommy and child cuddle time! My heart bleeds for that little girl. But I am sad for her mom. Something is so wrong… And where is the father? Sophie’s mama doesn’t like her,is she a daddy’s girl? What about her grandparents? Was Jennifer treated the same way by her mother? I do believe being repelled by your own child is alarming to people. But I think she knows something is wrong…but I don’t think she is being truthful about all her “reasons” for disliking little Sophie. Kids don’t come with parental manuals, but kids don’t get to choose their parents either. I bet Sophie expects real love and attention from her mother and father. I really want to know where’s the dad…… There shouldn’t have been a daughter#2 with this lady if she disliked daughter#1 so much.
Unfortunately, I believe I know who this woman is. Her daughter, “Sophie” and mine are friends and attend the same school. I remember clicking on the story when it aired and screaming when I realized it was indeed her. I sent it to my close friend and fellow parent in our school, taking care to not voice my suspicions, and she came to the exact conclusion on her own. The details about “Sophie”… embarrassed by her quirkiness, the growth hormone shots, favoring her second child and the cadence to “Jennifer’s speech. This woman is repulsive. Whenever there are early dismissal days, she sends a mass email to all the parents in class asking for a “playdate”, meaning she wants you to pick up “Sophie” and have her at your house. I did many times, as Sophie is adorable and great friends with my daughter. I remember she once responded by saying “Oh good, cause I don’t know what I am going to do with her for 4 hours!” The most ridiculous part of all of this is she’s on the PTA, constantly involving herself in all that goes on at the school, as if she is a devoted and loving parent. AND she is regularly published as a “parenting” expert in many magazines, websites and on many news shows, including “Redbook”, “Parenting” and CNN. Be wary next time you turn to one of those magazines for “advice”.
that is so so sick
HELP….the mom of my daughter told me she doesnt love her….she never holds her….ever….i put her in her arms last night and she just cried and said why are you making me do this….she says she loves me…not the baby…..HELP
@Chad: Is the baby newborn? Maybe she needs time to bond with her? I would suggest you talk to her doctor. maybe she has postpartum depression? But that’s a diagnosis that has to come from doctor. Please hang in there and keep us posted.