By now I’m sure you’ve heard all about New York State Representative Anthony Weiner and his rather unfortunately sexting escapades!
Weiner, he of the unfortunate last name, was caught sending photos of his, er, house member, to a number of different young women, none of whom was his newlywed wife, Huma Abedid. Oops!
But here’s where I find the story really interesting. Today Time magazine asked whether sexting technically qualifies as cheating? Which got to me thinking about how cheating seems to be defined differently by men and women.
Do photos of Weiner’s willie constitute infidelity? Apparently it boils down to whom you ask. The men in the Time magazine piece and in my own life, feel like, “Meh? What’s the big deal?” Women, on the other hand, are more likely to glomb on to the idea that Weiner has only been married a year or so and already seeking stimulation outside the marriage. But is that a bad thing?
Hang on, let me play devil’s advocate for a moment. Okay, I know that the fact that he took pictures of his crotch and sent them to women he didn’t know was tasteless and stupid. But is it any different than surfing the net for porn? OF COURSE IT IS! (Sorry that was my lame attempt to remain impartial). The difference boils down to interaction. There was genuine give and take with the women he was exchanging photos with. Weiner was giving a part of himself, the emotional side that should have been reserved for his wife. Surfing websites for porn would be different, provided he was using it as an impetus for action with his partner or self-stimulation. That was not the case here.
Once, years ago, I read a piece on cheating as defined by men and women. Whereas a woman saw intercourse as the ultimate betrayal, most men felt the line was crossed with a kiss, being that was a more tender and pure showing of affection.
So I wonder what standards you have in your own home…
If you caught your partner surfing the web for online porn or looking at a magazine would you be upset, offended, betrayed? What if they went for dinner with an old partner and shared intimacies – but still had no physical contact. Is a trip to a strip club out of bounds? Or just harmless fun…
So start sharing everyone… I’d love to hear your thoughts…
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A trip to the strip club is fine as long as there is no sex involved with a stripper. Watching porn or looking at a porn magazine is completely okay, I would watch or look at the magazine too.
Sexting, kissing or dining with a coworker discussing sex or any intimate topics are all inappropriate.
I do think it is different for men and women on what is “cheating”
My husband and I were discussing this last night as we watch the congressman being destoryed. We both said that sextxting was not cheating nor was webcaming. But both said we didnt want to know about it either.
What I think this boils down to is that each couple needs to discuss openly what is important for their relationship. I think Dan Savage has a lot of good advice around this area.
Also, why are we so hung up on sex fidelity but not emtional fidelity? I personally belive that emtional fidelity is far more important they the sex fidelity.
If you can’t say it, text it, look at it or share it in the presence of your spouse/partner… its cheating.
If it becomes personal it’s cheating in my mind. Porn, strip clubs and magazines are just visual stimulants and I personally don’t have an issue with them when they are practiced in moderation; but if I found my guy sexy texting I would feel betrayed and deeply hurt.
As an elected person…I think it stinks….Our elected officials should be held to a higher moral standard….and what a weiny to lie about all this….
I don’t think sexting does rise to the cheatin’ occassion that adultery does but I think sexting sets the stage…just like the porn movies, magazines, internet…….etc does and like my granny used to say….if you sleep with dogs you gonna get fleas.
Heck yeah! I must confess, a male friend of mine started texting me flirtatiously (no we never had sex) but we were very close emotionally once upon a time!! He was married at the time…and he still is. Why I allowed him to do this is beyond me, anyway, I thought it was cute. The sexting turned into him sending pictures!! Needless to say, I stopped it. I didn’t think it was so cute anymore. I think he crossed the line (although what we were already doing was wrong to begin with). I don’t communicate with him anymore (for those of you who are about to be criticizing me)!
Weiner….the name itself it sexting
I agree @faun and he is getting a weinie roast all over the media now….lol
I agree with Ann, if you wouldn’t tell your partner about it/would be uncomfortable or ashamed if they found out, it’s cheating. Where that line is drawn depends on the individual couple. If your partner considers sexting cheating, even if you don’t, you probably shouldn’t do it. Of course if one person is drawing the line a little too close (an extreme would be considering just talking to someone of the opposite [or same depending] sex cheating), that’s just not a good situation to begin with.
I just don’t see what the big deal is. This country is so hypocritical. Its between the couple. If that is the dynamics of their relationship, and they are truly honest and open about it then let them be. I agree with Amanda, if you feel it must be a secret from your partner, then you shouldn’t be doing it.
I could care less if Weiner wants to sext with hundreds of women…as long as it’s consensual and they are over 18 years old. What people do in their marriage is non of my business. What I do care about is bold face lying, and his how dare you question me attitude when the story first broke. A liar is a liar. Once you lose the trust (of your constituents or spouse) than you have nothing. How do I know when to believe you anymore?
Not related to Weiner, but on topic… What do you think is worse, an emotional affair (daily texts and phone calls) or a sexual affair?
Margit, I think an emotional affair is worse. For the most part, I think a sexual affair is a lot less personal… sort of that it could be with anyone attractive. An emotional affair with a real connection is more betraying because it’s personal. It’s really the person that’s the problem, not just the sex. Although they’re both really bad!
I agree Amanda.
Who’s to say what is appropriate and what’s not? Because it doesn’t register with our OWN individual moral compass doesn’t mean its wrong. How do we know that Wiener’s wife was not sitting next to him as he was doing this? How do you know she hasn’t given him permission to do this? Of course he will never throw his wife under the bus and admit she’s ok with it. Hell, they could be swingers for all we know. But because media is so engrossed in this man’s personal business it has become impossible for him to do his job. Everyone is asking for his resignation. Let’s be clear…..had Wiener not made an error and exposed his hidden pleasures would we still have the same respect for him regarding his work as Senator? Yes, we would. Prior to this incident he was revered as a good congressman. Now because we have a glimpse into his private sexual life….he’s trash. I mean REALLY? Because you don’t wanna sext is it wrong for me? WHY IS IT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I DO….#justmyopinion