Hi Rene,
My boyfriend and I have been together all through high school. He’s really sweet and a great guy. We both go to high school in Valdosta, Georgia. We’ve always lived close to each other and in a fairly small town and we wanted go to college in the city.
We both applied to Georgia State University in Atlanta but only I got in.
He got into the local college and he wants to go there and have me go there too so we can stay together. I love him but I still want to go to the city. It is only a few hours away and I would come see him all the time but I want to try living somewhere other than Valdosta (not that I don’t like Valdosta).
I’m excited but my boyfriend is worried I’ll get all caught up in the city and the new people and he doesn’t really want to do a long distance relationship. I don’t want to break up over this but I really want to try living in the city. Rene, what should I do?
Megan, Valdosta
Hi Megan:
Thanks so much for writing. You ask me what you should do. Honey, I can’t answer that question for you, but I can tell you what I would do. I would pack my car, buy my books and high tail it for Atlanta and Georgia State University. Here’s why.
LIVE FOR YOU: This is probably a new concept because until now you have lived with your parents your whole life. But standing on the other side of this issue I can tell you there is a very small window in your life when you will be able to do this. That window is about to open and I suggest, no BEG you take full advantage. You see, you’re 17 or 18 now; by the time you’re 28 or 30 you will probably be married or well on your way to the altar. A kid or two later in the next four of years will have you dying for some peace and quiet. It will be that was for the next 18 years. And even when they’re grown and gone, they’ll never be far away. Do you see what I’m saying? You have a chance to be completely selfish and tend to your needs, wants and desires without concern about how others will be affected. Seize it.
DO NOT SETTLE FOR A MAN WHO WILL HOLD YOU BACK: You’ve been with your boyfriend all through high school and he loves and cares for you deeply. But it is an immature love because if it was a mature love, not only would he want you to go, he would be happy for you. He would be secure enough in the relationship to let you go and unable to stand the thought of you not reaching your full potential, especially if he was to blame. In suggesting you to go to school with him, he is trying to tighten the grip on your relationship and by extension, you. He’s nervous you might meet someone else and leave him or that the two of you will grow apart. Those are all very valid concerns and could well happen. I’m not so sure that’s not a bad thing.
TIME FOR A BREAK: I know this sounds really harsh but stay with me for a minute. You have been with your boyfriend all through high school. You have never dated anyone else, may have never even kissed anyone other than him. Remember when I started this answer I said to live for you? Well that includes widening your social circle and yes, dating other people. That’s not to say you two won’t end up together but I think it’s quite healthy for you both to take a little breather. It might even foster a whole new appreciation for one another.
Megan, you have the first of what will be many big life decisions before you. But in all of those, you won’t go wrong if you do what’s in your heart, what you REALLY want to do. If you want to go to school in Atlanta, don’t let anything, including a long time boyfriend stop you. Yes, there might be pain and heartache and yes, you might break up, but I can promise you this; you will always wonder what could have been if you don’t go for the brass ring now. Good luck!
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Agreed, but- what’s with the assumption that she will get married and have kids? Either/both are not everyone’s path OR desire. She could very well be able to live life for herself for the next 90 years. With all due respect, being a good enough mom (or dad) is not a part of the plan for a LOT of people, and its a disservice to people who are trying to figure out their lives to make it seem like that’s an expected part of their future, especially when the older, more traditional folks in their families will probably be putting the pressure on them that their purpose is eventually to find some person of the opposite gender to go and make babies with.
Great advice Rene. Maria Shriver’s book, Ten Things I Wish I’d Known – Before I Went Out into the Real World, has a chapter titled “Marriage is a Hell of a Lot of Hard Work.” I know Megan isn’t talking about marriage right now, but there are a few quotes in that chapter that stick out to me in this situation. Specifically when her now husband said to her, “Don’t expect or rely on me to make you happy. You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separate from what the other person brings to the table.”
Shriver goes on to say:
“Women, don’t expect a man to make your life and give you an identity. You must work at making your own life and identity.”
“There’s no faster way to kill love than to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself.”
Oh, Megan, I hope you follow your dreams, and pack your bags for Atlanta. I went to college in ATL, and had the time of my life. You will not regret it, but probably will (maybe not next year, but down the road) if you sacrifice your dreams. Follow your dreams….
My dear friend posted this as his status update the other day. I love it, and think it’s very fitting:
Things like the earthquake in Japan remind me why I live the way I do……enjoy life. Do what you want…….love who you want……laugh, smile and and don’t let a damn thing stop you from ALLOWING yourself to be happy. It’s right there if you’re willing to take it.
Rene and Margit, you’ve said it all.
Rene is absolutely right. This is an immature love and you all need the time and space to grow in your own places. I encountered something similar to this but my high school boyfriend and I never considered going to the same school because we knew we had our own trails to blaze.
Now is the time in your life for new experiences and new people. The friendships you form in college will no doubt be the ones you have for a lifetime. I hate to admit it, but in five years you won’t even talk to most of the people you consider your best friends. This will probably be the best thing to happen to you.
And I know it sounds cliche, but, if you love someone, let them go. If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back and wild horses can’t keep you a part. This is one of the times where you will grow the most and growth hurts. They don’t call ‘em growing pains for nothing.
Weigh your options. Make the decision that’s best for you. You don”t want to look up in 10 years and resent HIM for a decision YOU made.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for weighing in, JB. The fact remains, the majority of the population does get married (http://www.meninmarriage.com/article05.htm) and that is what I based my answer/advice on. But the larger issue is that she needs to live for herself at this time. Whether because of kids, a job, taking care of elderly people, the fact is, the future will be much more complicated than the past and she will not be as carefree as she is now. I disagree with your point that good enough is not for everyone. You might characterize or call it something else, but the fact remains everyone has to do their best, which will not be perfect no matter how hard they try and what works for them. Thanks for writing.
Megan if you are lucky you *WILL* break up, find other loves, passions and desires and then come to realize your boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to you or NOT!
I went away to college and I always encourage young people who ask what they should do to RUN! SKIP! HOP! Climb on board the fastest thing heading out of town.
I went from a large city to a smaller one for school. What I learned in college (outside of the education and partying) was like Rene said knowing that I can do it on my own with the support of parents still kind of there.
It was also a chance to meet new people, I’d visit their hometowns, and they came to mine and I discovered a whole new world out there and learned so much about how people live.
See it’s much more than a boyfriend who if he loves you really won’t be going anywhere anyway.
You have a great desire to leave Valdosta…so GO!
You both could stay in Val and end up still breaking up esp with the onslaught of new people, new pressures of studying and not to mention a job. At least in going to ATL you have a new experience to boot.
Have fun, I have a feeling if you got into GSU (and remember he didn’t) than you have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll do the right thing for YOU!
Megan, as a mother of three young adults who all faced this (two still in college) I know how difficult and emotional this time is. But deep down inside you know what to do. Always remember to ask yourself “is this what Megan wants?”. I’ve always told my kids (still do) that they may live well into their 80′s or 90′s, or more, so set yourself up in your 20′s academically and socially so you can thrive and love what you do and who you are throughout life. Meet people, volunteer, join a sorority, club, start an organization on campus! Get your Bachelors, maybe a Masters, Doctorate. Find out who Megan is, what makes you happy, what contributions you want to make. Be excited! Knowing who you are and where you want to go in life will give you the confidence and knowledge to know what you want in a relationship. Whether this is with your current beau, or a future one, time will tell. For now work on becoming the future adult you want to be, and enjoy getting there:)
“Find out who Megan is..” So very true! Thank you Stephanie!
@Smarty: again proving your handle.. wow, thanks!
@Tania, so true.. great advice!
You misunderstood- when I said not everyone wants to be a “good-enough mother” it was a play on your blogs name. What I mean is, not everyone wants to be a mother. So, if megan’s plans are, at least now (And plans CAN change, but they can also NOT change) to never marry or never have kids, or never both, the advice that she should live it up now before she’s a busy mom later is presuming she plans on these things. Via the link that you sent, marriage has seen a HUGE decline since the 70s. And marriage does not = babies (By design, or not.) so I still do think its presumptive to say that she will get married and then have babies a couple years later and then be stuck for the next 18 years living for other people. And if any of these things are not in her plan, she may very well be dismissive of your otherwise great advice. That was mostly my point- that marriage AND babies AND devoting your life to your family is not everyone’s plan; Plenty plan on not marrying, plenty plan on marrying and never having kids, and to assume that that is her lifeplan is the same as yours.
Okay, yes and thank you again, jb.