Hello Rene -
I am a single mother of two boys. One is ten and the other is four. My children are by two different men. I have never been married but I desire to be.
I spend all of my time with my children because I have no babysitters (limited funds) and my children do not get to visit their dads often (father’s choices).
I don’t know how to be approachable without looking like the desperate mom who wants someone to share her life with someone. Dating has proved to be virtually non-existent. I feel like I will never get married.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s that I want to be married or that I just want to be okay with being alone.
Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
Signed: Alone in Alabama
Dear Alone:
I’m glad you wrote because you have quite a bit of work to do. It won’t be impossible but it won’t be easy either and it starts by changing your focus. Instead of looking externally, time to turn the microscope inward.
WORK ON YOU: I’m starting with this one because this is the most important. I’m also ripping a page right out of our Good Enough Guy’s playbook but basically in order to GET a good catch you have to BE a good catch.
I hope I’m not overstepping here but you sound like you might be young, under 30 or so. With limited funds and the age of the youngest boy, I’m thinking you may not work outside the home. I’m also curious about your education. How much have you completed? Because let me just be really real here. Look at this from the man’s perspective. He’s a doctor or CEO; will he be attracted to a woman with two boys from two men who doesn’t work and has limited education? I’m not saying that’s the case because there are some parts of your story I don’t know. But you have to have something to offer, other than a great body (which you probably have if you’re young). That will keep a man for about the first 15 days. Then you’re going to need a whole lot more; wit, intelligence, sense of humor, compassion, the ability to carry on a conversation about things other than yourself.
SET GOALS AND BE CLEAR ON THEM: It doesn’t sound like you’re really even sure about what you want so start there. Do you want to be married with all of the bliss, coupled with the muck and mire? Because marriage is hard work, one of the hardest things you will ever do. Not to be a downer, but the statistics on divorce in second marriages or stepfamilies are not encouraging at all. For those reasons, you need to be REALLY clear, committed and certain about this step.
But back to setting goals. I know sometimes life can be overwhelming so it helps to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks. I would start a list of big goals, those that will take years to accomplish, and little goals that can be accomplished in a day, week or month. Under big goals, you can put continue education, get a degree, get a good job, save for boys’ education and so on. Under the smaller goals (don’t laugh), they can be, get a shower and out of the house (hey, I know what its like with young children), go to the library, make calls about going back to school, check out childcare options and the like. I have said this before and I believe it; you can’t steer a still ship, so just get moving. Go in any direction and if it turns out to be the wrong one, you can course correct. But you have to start somewhere.
DON’T WAIT TO BE RESCUED: What if Prince Charming never comes along? There are some women who never get married. Will you wait for him, hoping he comes riding up to sweep you away from debt and despair or will you make it happen yourself? My advice; don’t wait. Assume right now that you will have to do it all on your own. You need to figure out a way to not only make it happen but you happy in the process. Lean on family, friends and neighbors for support. Get out on your own, develop a hobby, take a class, do some volunteer work whatever it is but work on you.
Before I go, let me add, it might be a good idea to look into the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. if your boys do not have strong, male role models in their lives. And while you’re working on you, one more thing; no more babies by men you’re not married to okay?
Good luck mommy!
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now, that is some sound advice.
OMG, you gave her the absolute best advice ever. Every single line is worth all of the tea in China.
Alone in Alabama, the second you begin to know your self-worth and feel comfortable in your own abilities, that’s when your life starts to change and it’s so true…not to sound harsh…but in this world where women typically out number men and you’re competing with all types, some that may even bring assets to the table that you don’t you can’t just lean on looks or even sex. You really have to be a whole person. At the end of the day I believe that is the strongest quality that most men find attractive when they are looking for life partners.
Unfortunately some single men look at children that are not theirs as baggage and while it’s painful to accept you have to face it and focus your energy in being the best mother you can to your kids instead of looking for a guy to come and save the day.
As a divorced dad of three, I recently went through the same process. Differences being that (a) my children share the same mother; (b) I am financially secure; (3) I share custody. BUT, I still identify with the feeling that “I’ll be single forever”, and all the angst that comes along w/this notion. What rescued me from such despair? ME!!! I decided to focus on ME. Being a better dad, better professional, better friend, etc. Much like Rene’s advice (to set goals), I began to challenge myself to find my own happiness. Working out, riding my motorcycle more, cooking — heck — even buying a puppy! I’ve created my own happiness. Now, I am content and know what I have to offer the right woman. So, now I’m ready to enter a relationship. Whether it leads to marriage or not is irrelevant. I know I will be the best man I can be in a relationship, so what comes of that will be a result of the successful matching of my efforts + “hers”. After all, successful relationships require TWO willing and able participants.
The female in the letter def has a lot of self-discovery to do. Attaining contentment when one identifies so many “opportunity areas” within oneself is a challenge. But, confidence or the lack thereof can be seen from miles away; she has lots of work to do!!!
@Rob: GREAT ADVICE! Thanks for weighing in !
Good advice, Rene. May I offer a tip from my own single years. The one thing that helped me focus on what I had to offer, my goals, and what I was seeking in a mate, was when I went thru the extensive questionnaire on eHarmony. It was free at the time (to do THAT part anyway) and probably still is. If you put the appropriate thought into each question, you will come out with a much clearer focus.
Word of encouragement: There ARE great guys out there who will fall in love with you AND your children. I have a relative who married one. She was young and had split from her abusive first husband. She had two SMALL kids and one of them was special-needs. She met and married a WONDERFUL, loving man who also adopted her two kids and raised them as his own, along with another child they had together. They were happily married for nearly 40 years (both are now deceased).
So, don’t despair, but do be proactive and try to follow Rene’s advice.
God bless.
@Lisa I LOVE it! Thank you so much for sharing this perspective!!
This question speaks directly to me. I was a single mom with one daughter, but still, single mom is single mom.
Rene, your advice is so sound. It’s exactly what I went through to be a better person to find a relationship that is perfect for me. I had to upgrade my highschool, enrol into nursing degree program, work out, focus on being healthy and happy with who I was and where I was going.
Then I had men falling at my feet. I had to weed through the idiots and then I found my current husband who is fantastic, loves my daughter as much as he loves our son.
A book that I read, which I think really helped me was “why men marry some women and not others” It’s worth checking out, and I put to use most things in that book which worked very well for me, I will save that book for my daughter too.
Good Luck!
Sounds good to me, all of you. I will just add to consider the boys’ feelings. If they’re seeing their fathers at all they may resent anyone who tries to be a ‘father’ to them. Kids! He may do everything for them and not even get a decent thankyou but Dad gives them a dollar and they’ll frame it. I wish her the best life.