Hi Rene,


I’m really hoping you can help me with this one!

My husband Martin and I recently went away for a long weekend and left our kids – Katie who’s 16 and Annabelle who’s 13 – home alone. We thought we could trust them (and asked our neighbor to keep an eye on them) but we clearly could not.

While we were gone the kids had a party on the Saturday night. Their friends caused a lot of damage – broken windows, some items stolen and a lot of mess.

But we also found out that our daughters both got drunk at the party.

Both myself and my husband are teetotal so we’re even more shocked by their behavior – and I just don’t trust them anymore.

We’ve banned them from seeing their friends and grounded them for the next 3 months – but what else can we do? How do we get across the message that drinking is bad news? And should we be worried by their drinking – or is this just a one off incident?

Would really love some mom to mom advice!


Ros, Alabama


Hi Ros:

Right now I am stifling the urge to scream “ARE YOU CRAZY?” because that’s not a nice thing to say and you probably feel bad enough without me piling on. But, ARE YOU CRAZY?!

There are several issues involved here, whether the kids are old enough to stay home alone, the trust that has been broken between you and them and the drinking. Let’s handle them one at a time.

KIDS HOME ALONE: There are only a handful of states in the country where it’s mandated children be a certain age before being allowed to stay home alone. It’s mainly up to parents to determine whether their child or children are mature enough to handle such responsibility. At Parent.net they recommend kids be at least 12 years old – but more than that it’s a maturity issue. I have no problem with a mature 11-year-old being home alone for a few hours, say until you get home from work.

But Ros, I am sorry to say, overnight is a totally different animal and a long weekend is a big, hairy beast.  I think you have to take a good, hard look at your kids. Is the 16-year-old easily swayed by peers? The party may not have been her idea but maybe someone in her peer group suggested it and she went along. Annabelle, at 13, may have known it was wrong but who was she to stand up to Katie, who was no doubt placed in charge?

I also think it was quite unfair of you to saddle your neighbor with the care of your children. Yes, all you asked was for them to keep an eye out but that is rarely as easy as it sounds. They must have been apoplectic when they saw the cars, kids and commotion at your house.

TRUST: You trusted Katie and Annabelle to do as you asked. They blew it, BIG TIME. You are going to have to explain to them how it took great faith on your part to allow them to stay at home alone; a test, if you will, and they did not pass. I think of trust as relationship currency. When it’s squandered, it takes a lot to earn it back. They will have to start regaining your trust by taking on small things without being asked (like chores) before moving on to the bigger ones. This is a process that might take some time and they need to understand that.

RESPONSIBILITY: This is the one that sends shivers down my spine. Laws vary from state to state but you need to use a little common sense here. Your children are minors so you are ultimately responsible for them but can also be held responsible for others who get hurt on your property or consume alcohol and then get involved in an accident.  Ignorance is really not a legal defense. As a parent, it’s your job to know.

While it sucks that some of your property got stolen you are actually very lucky that no one got in a wreck or passed out from alcohol poisoning in your home. Or worse.

DRINKING ISSUE: The average age reported for the initiation of drinking alcohol is 12 years old so it could be that this is not your kids’ first experience. My belief is that alcohol is not bad news when consumed by legal adults and in moderation. But you and Martin need to talk to Annabelle and Katie about your stance on the issue. They may decide, when they become of legal age that they want to drink. But for right now, while they are under your roof, they need to respect your rules regarding alcohol.

Now Ros, pardon my cynicism but did you REALLY believe your kids would follow your wishes to a “T”? I have to be honest with you and tell you that I cannot see a time in the near future where I would leave my kids home alone for a long weekend.  Suffice it to say I have one child who is self-policed and another who would like to meet them, the police that is.  I just don’t want to take that risk.

Whether you will be able to trust your girls in the future really is up to them and how hard they are willing to work. You will also have to get to a point where you can forgive even if you never forget.

Lastly, being punished for three months is fine but you have to stand your ground. In other words, three months means three months. Not a day less.

I would also make them pay for the damage.  You can garner allowance or make them get jobs but they have to pay for the damage caused to the house on their watch. You can believe this will be a lesson they won’t soon forget.

Years ago, I had a friend who flew B-52s for the U.S. Air Force.  He was fond of using a phrase made popular by President Ronald Reagan. “Trust, but verify.”

I think it works well when dealing with adolescents too.

Best of luck to you!

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