Hey there Rene,
Love the site – and all your great advice and pieces!
I’d really love your advice on this one. My husband and I let our daughter Sally – she’s 14 – borrow our credit card so she could book some concert tickets.
However unbeknownst to us she’s been charging items behind our back – and has now racked up over $2,000 in debts on clothes, music downloads and gadgets.
Her father is furious and wants to permanently stop her allowance. I think this is too harsh. She’s too young to get a job to pay the money back – and even if she could it would take her forever.
I want her to learn a lesson from this – but I also don’t want to put it behind us…
What would you do GEM?
Yours sincerely
Barbara, Ohio
Hi Barbara:
I must say I agree with your husband. Look, what Sally did was steal from you; she took something that did not belong to her. Here’s what I would do.
*First I would explain to her what the penalty is under the law. If a stranger stole your credit card and charged 2,000 dollars worth of stuff, they would face trial and jail time. Sally needs to know that.
* I would also have a very serious discussion with her about how she violated the bonds of trust. You gave her the credit card for one specific purpose and she, without asking abused that. She showed little regard for you and your husband and the fact that you work hard for your money.
*She may be too young for a real job but she’s not too young to babysit, do lawns, gardens, walk dogs, pick up dog poop – whatever she has to do to earn extra money. That includes surrendering a portion of her allowance every week until that debt is retired. This may force her to find creative ways to earn extra money (sell stuff on eBay, hold garage sales, whatever)
*And finally I would put together a spreadsheet to show her how much she is expected to pay each week or month and how long before that debt is retired. Then everyone signs off on the plan and puts it in place.
And now note to you Barbara. Did you not see Sally with clothes and gadgets that you did not buy? It’s important that we as parents still monitor what is going on inside our home. That includes what our kids are wearing and buying.
I would say this is a tough lesson and the ones we learn from most are the ones that smart a bit. This needs to be somewhat painful for Sally, so no reneging on the payment plan, even if it takes years.
Best to you both!
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You are right on point with this answer, Rene! I can’t believe the mother has even an iota of compassion for her daughter in light of this. Ridiculous.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rene Syler and Rene Syler, Rene Syler. Rene Syler said: Oh HELL NO! A daughter takes her folks credit cards and does what?? Read GEM's response and weigh in with your own! http://tiny.cc/934nj [...]
Excellent advice.
I wish my child WOULD! I back the father 500%, otherwise this girl will think it’s a game she can play and you all will suffer morally AND financially. I’d take at least 1/2 of Ms. Thang’s allowance every week AND pile on the chores, then she’ll figure out what she stole really wasn’t worth the cost! On-point Rene! And Mom, get a clue before we find you 2 on ‘Snapped’ or ‘America’s Most Wanted’!
This is NOT a time to be weak in your parenting skills. It is the time to set a VERY strong example. What will a child learn from the lesson that it is ultimately not a big deal to steal, especially from loved ones. This is the sign of a selfish and spoiled child. (i’m not saying unloved, I’m saying spoiled.) I work in people’s homes every day and see the gamut from spoiled to well reared children and interact with them often.
The way I was raised, this simply would not have happened. There was no question that this was wrong and off limits. The fact that your child thought this was something OK to do, tells me maybe you’ve given her a little too much “free space”. I say this not in judgement, but in fact. You need to step back and think about what you did in setting an example, (or in NOT sharing an example), that this type of behavior is severely off limits.
And Rene is right in that if you do not truly follow through on the entire punishment/lesson, it may well not be inculcated as the important lesson it is. I see many kids who want to come out and work with us, they stay about ten minutes and leave. If I asked to take part in something as a child, (after about the age of ten), I was expected to stay through to the end. This lesson has served me well so many times in my life.
I am so with dad on this one! I would certainly stop her allowance; at least until the debt is repaid. Sounds counterproductive? Not at all. Why on earth should this child be supplied with “free money” from you, her parents, so that she can have a little income to aid in repaying money that she stole from you in the first place? I’d definitely be getting her to go out & get little jobs outside of the home to help repay for everything. And if it takes you, as the credit card holder, too long to pay this debt off & you are charged any sort of interest, I’d explain that concept to her too & make her repay that as well. If you don’t crack this down right away & make her feel the consequences, not only will she think it’s okay to do these things to you guys, but she’ll likely end up in prison.